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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop child going abroad

72 replies

PandaMamaB · 17/03/2024 08:55

Bear with me.
My ex has been in and out of our DD(7) all her life and after a stint following UK lockdown where he disappeared for 4 months, decided he only wanted to see her regularly once every 4 weeks. He finally agreed to overnight and over Christmas he finally had her a second night.

He asked me to have her a week in the summer holiday which I agreed to as long as it was in the UK, he hadn't decided where he was going.

This week he told me he wanted her 9 nights, I asked DD and she said she was scared of being away for me for so long but she'd try it. DD and I agreed to sort out a phone for her so she could send me a message if she needed to and I'd reply which she was happier with. I sent him a message back saying we'd sort out logistics (picks her up from my mums as she lives closer to him) and asked him where they were going.

His response to me was they hadn't decided but I needed to make sure her passport was in date. Floored a bit, she's not been with him longer than 2 nights, now he wants 9 nights in a different country. I replied saying that as she hadn't spent longer than 2 nights max with him, I wasn't happy for him to take her out of the country, maybe next time but this time needed to be in the UK where we could help if she was struggling.

He told me he wasn't asking for my permission and they were going to a family home in Italy where she had lots of family around her. And then tried to pressure me by saying it would be their last chance as the house was being sold.

I've told him my decision is final, I'm happy for him to take her on holiday in the UK where I can help her if she struggle but I am not giving permission for her to leave the country.

He doesn't have PR due to not turning up despite giving him the day, time, place and location of free parking. He sees her once every 4 weeks (his choice), and even then it's Saturday morning to Sunday morning (he won't have her longer because then he Has to drive to our house instead of my mum's. Mum's is 20 minutes from him and we're 45 minutes and he refuses to travel to us). DD has also never been away from me longer than 3 nights, and this is to my parents house who she stops with every Friday night weekly anyway (closer to her ballet lessons on Saturday morning).

AIBU to ask her first holiday with him to be in the UK?

OP posts:
Babsexxx · 17/03/2024 09:01

No way! Why would he ever think that’s a good idea??? Some things absolutely baffle me. I wouldn’t even allow a uk holiday for that long tbh he needs to focus on building up his contact before he does anything!

dementedpixie · 17/03/2024 09:02

What do you mean he doesn't have PR? If he's on the birth certificate he does have PR. Nonetheless he needs your permission to take her abroad.

Original poster
PandaMamaB · 17/03/2024 09:03

He doesn't have parental responsibility, he didn't turn up to register her

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 17/03/2024 09:06

Is he on the birth certificate? If not then i would presume no parental responsibility. Also I wouldn't be happy with a longer holiday in the UK.... never mind one abroad. He can trot on

Mnetcurious · 17/03/2024 09:08

No way. He can’t be bothered to drive 45 mins to see her, sees her v infrequently but thinks a long holiday abroad is ok? Yanbu to say no and most crucially, sounds like your daughter is not comfortable with it either (unsurprisingly).

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 17/03/2024 09:12

Have you told him how your DD feels? He can’t argue with that.

Cakefor1 · 17/03/2024 09:13

He sounds like a terrible father if he can't be bothered to see her more than once a month he will get very bored of her for 9 days. I would stop communicating with him and 'lose' her passport. I'm sure he won't be bothered to sort her a new one.

howrudeforme · 17/03/2024 09:15

Don’t let him. She doesn’t know him well enough.

she’s young. Is her dad and his family Italian. If so does she speak Italian. If not she’ll be miserable.

my now ex told me he was taking our 13 month old to Italy for 2 weeks without me.😳 didn’t happen.

Polominty · 17/03/2024 09:16

Sounds like he wants to play Dad of the Year around his family who probably have no idea how little he actually bothers to see his DD normally. Your DD is not a prop to be used to bolster his ego.

Original poster
PandaMamaB · 17/03/2024 09:17

He's just sent me a message saying he doesn't understand it at all, then asked me what calamity I was expecting.

He's not on the birth certificate, he's not spent more than 2 days with her before, those weren't even full days.

I did once tell her she was nervous and his response to me is that she's never said it to him and has actually asked to stay with him longer so he finds it very hard to believe.

Yes, she may want to spend more time with him, but that's because I've done my best to encourage a relationship between them! I didn't have to by law, but was trying to do what is in her best interests.

OP posts:
Original poster
PandaMamaB · 17/03/2024 09:18

howrudeforme · 17/03/2024 09:15

Don’t let him. She doesn’t know him well enough.

she’s young. Is her dad and his family Italian. If so does she speak Italian. If not she’ll be miserable.

my now ex told me he was taking our 13 month old to Italy for 2 weeks without me.😳 didn’t happen.

No they're not Italian, they have a home out there.

Oh my gosh!! 13 months is far too young!!

OP posts:
Cbljgdpk · 17/03/2024 09:21

Honestly I wouldn’t even be allowing the 9 days; even my DSD who spent every other weekend with her dad from age of 3 (lived with her before) found a week a lot at age 7 as she missed her mum and it was a long time. I’d be saying start with 4 nights. He’s also never taken a child on holiday so doesn’t realise how tiring it can be.
Absolutely not to abroad, sounds a good thing he doesn’t have PR

breakfastdinnerandtea · 17/03/2024 09:21

Does she have the same surname as him? He might even struggle to get her out of the country because he'll need her birth certificate and a letter of permission, neither of which will be forthcoming

Anameisaname · 17/03/2024 09:22

Why don't you offer a compromise. Say to him that he has her for a week but can take her to Italy and that between now and then he works up to 3 or 4 nights.

Obviously then keep an eye on DD and make sure she's comfortable, you can always cancel nearer the time

JC89 · 17/03/2024 09:29

If you let him take her I'd say no more than a week, somewhere not too far from you! I don't mean it has to be super close, but somewhere you could get to within a few hours isn't too restrictive. If he doesn't agree he can't take her.

Do you trust him not to take the phone? If not maybe you shouldn't let him take her anyway, if you do make sure you have a call every day to make sure she's happy. And hide that passport!

Original poster
PandaMamaB · 17/03/2024 09:29

breakfastdinnerandtea · 17/03/2024 09:21

Does she have the same surname as him? He might even struggle to get her out of the country because he'll need her birth certificate and a letter of permission, neither of which will be forthcoming

No, she has my surname, and isn't on her birth certificate

OP posts:
Original poster
PandaMamaB · 17/03/2024 09:31

Anameisaname · 17/03/2024 09:22

Why don't you offer a compromise. Say to him that he has her for a week but can take her to Italy and that between now and then he works up to 3 or 4 nights.

Obviously then keep an eye on DD and make sure she's comfortable, you can always cancel nearer the time

The two nights at Christmas was done at a push. It's only because I said to him that it made no sense to travel back to ours late at night and they may as well let her have another night at theirs before coming back to us. Trying to get him to have longer is almost an impossibility, unless he wants something.

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 17/03/2024 09:34

No way! I had a good relationship with my Dad, I saw him 1 night per week. The first time I went abroad with him and his perfectly lovely wife I was totally overwhelmed not being able to get back to my mum, even tho I rang her every day. I absolutely would not let this happen in your circumstances, she has already expressed her nerves about it. Stand your ground, you are 100% right.

socks1107 · 17/03/2024 09:37

The birth certificate he can easily get on line by paying a small fee.
He will likely need a letter of permission and of course her passport.
She may well have told him she wants to see him more so use this opportunity to do just that, increase weekend contact and a four night stay in may half term then that's worked up to his time away. If he misses any of that it's a no but if he manages it the trip will be fine I'm sure and something your daughter will love

Anameisaname · 17/03/2024 09:38

PandaMamaB · 17/03/2024 09:31

The two nights at Christmas was done at a push. It's only because I said to him that it made no sense to travel back to ours late at night and they may as well let her have another night at theirs before coming back to us. Trying to get him to have longer is almost an impossibility, unless he wants something.

Show quote history

Well yes but then you put it as a condition. These are the terms, take it or leave it. You are offering a decent compromise and it's up to him to take it.
No summer trip unless this happens. End of story.

Ioverslept · 17/03/2024 09:42

Could you invite yourself to go along? I would not let other parent in those circumstances take my child abroad for any amount of time without me (but I'm not a single parent so find hard to envisage that scenario anyway). I believe that if he has PR he doesn't need any permission from other parents to take child abroad but if he doesn't have PR he needs written permission certified by police or similar. I often take my children abroad on my own, never had written permission from other parents, never had an issue. If their name is the same they may not get challenged, if it is different they most likely will. Of course if you withhold passport he can't take her.

LlynTegid · 17/03/2024 09:43

Whilst the motives may be honourable (not sure to be honest), to be away in a place where you don't speak the local language at aged 7 with people you have never met before is unreasonable.

Whattodo112222 · 17/03/2024 09:46

If he's not got PR then don't worry too much. Is he the type to go through Court to get it and subsequently a specific issue order to get the courts permission to take her away?

You're not being unreasonable in the slightest.

Notimeforaname · 17/03/2024 09:49

Obviously you can and will say no and thats your entitlement but I just can't see a child being traumatised forever because they were taken on a family holiday with their dad.
All kids get homesick but are fine as people in life..shed have a lovely time and see a new place, extra time to bond with dad and her family etc

Original poster
PandaMamaB · 17/03/2024 09:51

Whattodo112222 · 17/03/2024 09:46

If he's not got PR then don't worry too much. Is he the type to go through Court to get it and subsequently a specific issue order to get the courts permission to take her away?

You're not being unreasonable in the slightest.

I don't know, he keeps accusing me of stopping him from seeing her and telling me I need to promote their relationship, even though I have never stopped him from seeing her and have actively encouraged him to have her more.

OP posts: