To stop child going abroad

[PandaMamaB]

Bear with me.
My ex has been in and out of our DD(7) all her life and after a stint following UK lockdown where he disappeared for 4 months, decided he only wanted to see her regularly once every 4 weeks. He finally agreed to overnight and over Christmas he finally had her a second night.

He asked me to have her a week in the summer holiday which I agreed to as long as it was in the UK, he hadn't decided where he was going.

This week he told me he wanted her 9 nights, I asked DD and she said she was scared of being away for me for so long but she'd try it. DD and I agreed to sort out a phone for her so she could send me a message if she needed to and I'd reply which she was happier with. I sent him a message back saying we'd sort out logistics (picks her up from my mums as she lives closer to him) and asked him where they were going.

His response to me was they hadn't decided but I needed to make sure her passport was in date. Floored a bit, she's not been with him longer than 2 nights, now he wants 9 nights in a different country. I replied saying that as she hadn't spent longer than 2 nights max with him, I wasn't happy for him to take her out of the country, maybe next time but this time needed to be in the UK where we could help if she was struggling.

He told me he wasn't asking for my permission and they were going to a family home in Italy where she had lots of family around her. And then tried to pressure me by saying it would be their last chance as the house was being sold.

I've told him my decision is final, I'm happy for him to take her on holiday in the UK where I can help her if she struggle but I am not giving permission for her to leave the country.

He doesn't have PR due to not turning up despite giving him the day, time, place and location of free parking. He sees her once every 4 weeks (his choice), and even then it's Saturday morning to Sunday morning (he won't have her longer because then he Has to drive to our house instead of my mum's. Mum's is 20 minutes from him and we're 45 minutes and he refuses to travel to us). DD has also never been away from me longer than 3 nights, and this is to my parents house who she stops with every Friday night weekly anyway (closer to her ballet lessons on Saturday morning).

AIBU to ask her first holiday with him to be in the UK?

Good idea, I've saved screenshots of cancellations and poor attitude. Such as accusing me of booking things to interfere with his weekends, such as her ballet exam which is run by the British Association of Dance!

I’d ask her what she wants to do. Make her aware it’s abroad and see what she says

People need to remember she is 7..

She isn’t old enough to make these decisions …

Op .. I think he is enjoying the power play . It’s not a debate . It’s no .

He doesn’t have pr or her passport .

You are not been unreasonable putting your child’s emotional well being first.

Has he forgotten that he's NOT in the birth certificate?

Thinking practicalities here.

DP is on DD's birth certificate but she has my name, not his. He was not allowed to sign the consent form for DD to have surgery as different surnames - even though he was on BC AND the surgeon knew us personally.

If, heaven forbid, your DD needed medical attention in Italy, what would happen if he can't prove his relationship to her ?
He's not on the BC - he can't prove his relationship to your DD - therefore he can't take her abroad

We sat down with DD yesterday after she got back from school and she said she'd like to go, but only if I went with her. I explained that I couldn't take her because it was her and Daddy's holiday and she's now said she doesn't want to go.

That’s your answer then… she doesn’t go.

I can understand her dad not changing the holiday destination for you from abroad to the UK but if she says no then it’s a no.

If she doesn't want to go and is frightened of the 9 nights then I'd be reducing the visit time in the first place to max a week. What if she gets scared and wants you to pick her up , or if he's impatient with her and she gets upset, how could you get her from Italy? 100% a no from me - he's thinking about his wants not her needs. As you say, build up to it.

I think you've already been far too accommodating of this dickhead and his pitiful behaviour. I know you have tried to prioritise your DD's needs, but at 7, she's too young to make decisions and has been learning to put a lot of focus on her kind-of-father's needs and wants.

He will moan and make accusations any time HIS needs are not placed front and centre. He sounds like a Poundland Lozza Fox. Please store her passport in a safe location, ideally not in your home and inform the passport office that there is a risk of him making a false application for a 'lost' passport to be renewed and has threatened to abduct your DD. He has zero rights to take her anywhere, ever, without your permission and he has shown no capacity to think about anyone except himself. Your DD needs to get the clear message that what's best for her is paramount.

@DPotter that's interesting, what do they do if the kids have a different surname to both parents eg double barrelling parents surnames?

We took DD on holiday last October, mine is double barrelled as we got married in July, I think because our names are similar they were fine with us

It has been this way a lot, whenever I bit back or tried to stand my ground before he'd disappear for weeks or months

Nope, no way, denied, not happening, NO!

I think that would be my response!

If he Wants to make memories with DD and build a relationship he need to do it in UK starting with seeing her 1 night/day per week!

Would also not allow him to have her for a week here until he builds up a better relationship with her and makes more of an effort.

You are doing a fab job x

Then let him disappear. You are NOT responsible for him and his crappy decisions. I am certain you have tried to do the absolute best for your DD. But this is absolutely who he is. Your DD needs to learn not to prioritise the needs and wants of a selfish, inconsistent pig of a man. He will always disappoint her, no matter what you do. You really can't protect her from this.

I would have serious concerns that on his next night he may be stupid enough to attempt to leave the country or at least refuse to return her until you facilitate it. I know you've always tried to encourage a relationship here but I think it's misguided. His refusal to turn up to register the birth would have been enough for me.

I really strongly suggest that you stop unsupervised contact because it's clear he cannot be trusted.

She’s seven years old and far too young for this responsibility. You have demonstrated that you have encouraged a relationship, should he ever go to court. He is not thinking of her needs, just his own. You say he disappears when you push back… great! Start distancing yourselves… this man is not going to be a good influence on your daughter.

Keep standing your ground then!

This is not about you, or him, or your relationship with each other. This is about a little girl and what is in her best interests.

If he chooses to disappear and sulk for weeks and months on end, that is his choice as a supposed adult. If he can't understand that a little girl is too scared to tell him what she really thinks about going away with a man she barely knows, he is clearly a bit dim.

This isn't about me but... H and I spent some time separated for various reasons. S was 11 at the time, even then he was too scared to say to his dad he didn't want to stay with him in his temporary place, because it wasn't his home. He was saying to dad he wanted to stay but to me that he didn't. I had to intervene. Because H has more empathy than your ex, he backed off, didn't push it, and he was ready to move home before S ever stayed with him. Just an anecdote on how an adult should behave.

If he has family there what’s to stop him just leaving her with them? This is what my dad to my mum years ago. No interest in me but wanted to take ownership and left me with relatives. My mum ended up stuck in a foreign country for a year to get me back

Well good news is no PR - no ability to apply for her passport and you don't have to hand it over.

I'm usually always on Sadie of NRP wanting to take their child abroad.

Not in this case.

Very true, thing is I've offered him to go on holiday in the UK for her first holiday with the view that if it goes well he can take her abroad next year. Working out that he had her a total of 13 days last year to him taking her away for 9 days straight, for me is too big a jump, especially when she's expressed she's scared about being away from me for so long.

No way would I ever allow this. He is not thinking of your dd at all.

Sorry but that’s rubbish. She’s 7 years old and sees her father once a month. She absolutely should not be forced to go to another country with a man she really doesn’t know that well despite the fact he’s her father. Have you read all OP’s posts?