To stop child going abroad

[PandaMamaB]

Bear with me.
My ex has been in and out of our DD(7) all her life and after a stint following UK lockdown where he disappeared for 4 months, decided he only wanted to see her regularly once every 4 weeks. He finally agreed to overnight and over Christmas he finally had her a second night.

He asked me to have her a week in the summer holiday which I agreed to as long as it was in the UK, he hadn't decided where he was going.

This week he told me he wanted her 9 nights, I asked DD and she said she was scared of being away for me for so long but she'd try it. DD and I agreed to sort out a phone for her so she could send me a message if she needed to and I'd reply which she was happier with. I sent him a message back saying we'd sort out logistics (picks her up from my mums as she lives closer to him) and asked him where they were going.

His response to me was they hadn't decided but I needed to make sure her passport was in date. Floored a bit, she's not been with him longer than 2 nights, now he wants 9 nights in a different country. I replied saying that as she hadn't spent longer than 2 nights max with him, I wasn't happy for him to take her out of the country, maybe next time but this time needed to be in the UK where we could help if she was struggling.

He told me he wasn't asking for my permission and they were going to a family home in Italy where she had lots of family around her. And then tried to pressure me by saying it would be their last chance as the house was being sold.

I've told him my decision is final, I'm happy for him to take her on holiday in the UK where I can help her if she struggle but I am not giving permission for her to leave the country.

He doesn't have PR due to not turning up despite giving him the day, time, place and location of free parking. He sees her once every 4 weeks (his choice), and even then it's Saturday morning to Sunday morning (he won't have her longer because then he Has to drive to our house instead of my mum's. Mum's is 20 minutes from him and we're 45 minutes and he refuses to travel to us). DD has also never been away from me longer than 3 nights, and this is to my parents house who she stops with every Friday night weekly anyway (closer to her ballet lessons on Saturday morning).

AIBU to ask her first holiday with him to be in the UK?

What does your DD want to do? Have you told her he wants to take her there for 9 nights? I think I'd be guided by her, if she really wanted to go I'd let her.

My concern is that she sees him once every 4 weeks and they don't really KNOW each other. He's never seen her tantrum, he's never had to deal with her crying because she'll miss the country she's leaving on the plane, never dealt with her wanting to call her friends daily while on holiday abroad. To say she has family over there, but she may have met them once or twice and she easily gets homesick or upset he's also never dealt with her when she's tired, she can be very tearful and bordering on unreasonable (I.e. seeing a ladybird on its back will have her crying for an hour...we witnessed this during our own holiday abroad last year!)

I think your compromise is a good one... but....... if he isn't any kind of flight risk or isn't a risk to DD and this is his actual last chance to take her away I'd maybe meet him half way and say by day 5 if its too much for her than he flies her home.

I think she is probably likely to be homesick the first couple of nights, but Italy isn't the worst place he could take her.

I don't think you're unreasonable in the slightest but a part of me would want my DD to experience going abroad too.

She said she was scared but when we thought it would be UK we said we'd sort out a phone for her and she'd give it a try

My concern is that she sees him once every 4 weeks and they don't really KNOW each other. He's never seen her tantrum, he's never had to deal with her crying because she'll miss the country she's leaving on the plane, never dealt with her wanting to call her friends daily while on holiday abroad.

Well he's not getting the chance to..

Absolutely no way.

If he met her every week consistently for the next year, maybe consider it.

He is a stranger to her and he might be completely stupid when it comes to safety.

Yes he is, I've asked him to have her more but he's always got some reason/excuse not to. I've offered him to go in the UK on holiday

He is being ridiculous.

Tell him to come up with a plan on how to increase contact with her to EOW 1 night to 3 nights and then you will agree to 7 nights max for a UK based holiday this summer.

He won't want to put the work in and build a parental relationship with her.

Absolutely not.

what is it with these men that can do whatever the hell they want and make demands?!

he sounds bloody awful

Just say no.

Write to him saying:

• I've always encouraged a relationship even in times when you've said you wanted to reduce contact
• Contact has been inconsistent with some long gaps of your choosing
• She has expressed concerns at long visits, this is natural given she's had inconsistent contact
• For all these reasons I do not consent to overseas travel

He can take you to court if he wants. Contact is important, overseas holidays are not.

Yep

I would be led by my daughter - if she wants to go then let her, if she doesn't then explain to her dad that due to not having spent extended periods of time together she is too anxious and it isn't happening.
I have been in a similar situation and my ex had to wait quite a few years before my child would entertain any type of holiday.

I'd be seeking legal advice right now. I'd block his phone number

When you told her about going abroad for 9 days she said she's scared? Well it's a no then.

He isn't on the birth certificate though so why would he be able to get one and even if he did it wouldn't help him since Mum isn't going to give him permission or the passport!

It's OK, because he's told me that he isn't going to stand for me dictating to him where he can go on holiday and will just take her anyway today.

Are you going to get a prohibitive steps order or just hold onto her passport and hope he doesn't report it lost?

Even if he reported it lost, he wouldn't be able to get a new copy. I actually worked out he had her 13 times last year, 11 times was an overnight, 1 time was a 2 night and 1 time was an emergency "I need to bring her home"

If you are fearful of him abducting her abroad (which is his intention) immediately stop all unsupervised contact.

If he has a problem with this let him try to take you to court. He will probably get PR the court will ask for a dna test. But I imagine that they would restrict his movements to the uk.

Uh, no???!

Don’t entertain it. No part of his request is reasonable. See a solicitor and stop him leaving the country with her without permission.

He actually sounds such a cunt that would she be worse off never seeing him again?

I've been tempted, believe me. But unfortunately, she does know of him so I don't think it would be in her best interest to cut all contact. It's just us that clash, but that's because he's not capable of compromise, it's his way or no way. Whenever I disagree he instantly plays the victim and I'm the mean person trying to stop him having contact.

They probably will, however I have given him a lot of opportunities to step up. He's now also said: "I am not interested in being tested and analysed by you to see if I reach some level of approval you've made up."

Honestly. She’ll be better off without him in her life. He doesn’t love her. He wants to see her once a month. Not love

Keep a diary of all the efforts you have made to encourage him seeing his daughter. And the results. Turned up late brought her back early cancelled at the last minute etc… this will show any court that you have actively sought ways they could have contact.
I would stop responding to him so much and speak to a solicitor about him threatening to take her abroad without your permission. Make sure you log that in your diary too…