Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving DDs school at this point in Y5

54 replies

Libsi · 17/03/2024 08:37

I have one DD, she's 10 next month, currently in Y5. We live in the south east, not a grammar school area and all the secondary schools around us are really good.
However last year my DMIL passed away, DFIL is in ok health but realistically will need some degree of care soon. DH wants to move close to him (East Midlands).
The exact area we'd want to move to has 2 outstanding but oversubscribed secondary schools, both with a feeder school and catchment area admissions policy. If not both at a feeder school and in catchment you are basically not getting a place.
I've called up the feeder schools and been told by 2 they have 1 singular place in Y5 but I shouldn't expect these to remain until summer and certainly not past summer.
DH has suggested that we dip into savings, DD and I move in with his dad and look for a rental, during Easter holidays. He can focus on selling our house, DD can start at one of the schools, and we'd be living in catchment. I can look for a job while there (shouldn't be too difficult) and once the house is sold, DH can get a job up there too and we can look at buying somewhere there.

It all sounds super stressful and DD doesn't really want to move, she's super happy at her school and thriving. I know realistically though we can't be this far from DFIL and moving during secondary might be harder.

AIBU considering this? Is it a really unfair thing to do to DD?

OP posts:
SpareHeirOverThere · 17/03/2024 08:43

Do you want to move to the East Midlands?

Ignoring all other issues, where do you want to live?

CuntRYMusicStar · 17/03/2024 08:43

As a military family we move all the time for reasons much less good than yours. If a move is inevitable and this will allow her a good shot at a good secondary then I would do it. It will also allow her to settle and make friends before secondary.

My dc have attended 4 different primary schools across 3 different countries so far (youngest yr5). It is really not as big of a drama as people make out. They have friends all over and in the holidays we make an effort to meet up with special friends from previous schools.

Original poster
Libsi · 17/03/2024 08:46

SpareHeirOverThere · 17/03/2024 08:43

Do you want to move to the East Midlands?

Ignoring all other issues, where do you want to live?

Honestly, it's not as simple as that.
In an ideal world we wouldn't move but we do have a responsibility to DFIL. My brother lives near my parents so that's not a concern.
I'm not against moving I like where DFIL lives etc.

My concern is purely DD, and whether moving at this point is a bad idea.

OP posts:
PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 17/03/2024 08:47

Would it not be a million times easier for your FiL to move closer to you?

TeenDivided · 17/03/2024 08:47

If moving, then moving now is better than later.

whiteboardking · 17/03/2024 08:49

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 17/03/2024 08:47

Would it not be a million times easier for your FiL to move closer to you?

This was my thought too.

Original poster
Libsi · 17/03/2024 08:50

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 17/03/2024 08:47

Would it not be a million times easier for your FiL to move closer to you?

No not really, he couldn't afford to for one. His 2 bed bungalow wouldn't even get him a flat around here. There is also the fact he's not long lost his wife, I don't think he would cope well with being uprooted from the only place he's ever lived, away from friends/church and hobbies.

OP posts:
whiteboardking · 17/03/2024 08:51

If you like the East Midlands area it's likely you'll get equally nice property etc as no more expensive. Yr5 is a decent time to move as they make friends who will then move up to high with her. I'd say a good year to move & resettle. As long as you like the area and want to go. Moving back again would not be fair

SpringOfContentment · 17/03/2024 08:51

We moved DS1 for the last half term of Y5 - so a couple of weeks later than you are considering.
He was fine - although he'd had a bit more notice.
Sometimes, needs must. If you are likely to move, and there is a place in the school you need, I'd go. How quickly can you hand in your notice? That might be the limiting factor.
And being apart from DH will be tough. You are realistically looking at 6 months before the house is sold and he can move. Is that sustainable?

SpareHeirOverThere · 17/03/2024 08:52

What I was getting at is this: As PP have said, it makes more sense to have DFIL move, not your entire family.

Essentially you are prioritising him staying in his neighbourhood over your dd. And you.

If ideally you would not move, then don't.

Meadowfinch · 17/03/2024 08:53

Your dd has 8 years left at school. Is your dfil likely to need care that soon?

I'd be reluctant to uproot a happy child from a good school and away from all her friends, if either you can wait, or dfil can move to be closer to you.

FleetwoodMacAttack · 17/03/2024 08:54

Agree with previous posters, finding it hard you’re prioritising DFIL over your own child. Poor child. Lots of people live far away from their parents, if you’re that keen to look after him can’t he move in with you? You have a happy DD, don’t move her.

Original poster
Libsi · 17/03/2024 08:55

SpareHeirOverThere · 17/03/2024 08:52

What I was getting at is this: As PP have said, it makes more sense to have DFIL move, not your entire family.

Essentially you are prioritising him staying in his neighbourhood over your dd. And you.

If ideally you would not move, then don't.

I don't think of it like that.

Secondary school wise they are comparable, both have great results and I think DD would thrive in either.
We knew when choosing to live away from family that at some point we'd have to move to provide care, we didn't know when it would be.
I worry about moving DD mid year and close to the end of year 6, not about the move in general which I think would be overall beneficial.

OP posts:
SpareHeirOverThere · 17/03/2024 08:55

You have a responsibility to dd. You have a responsibility to yourself and your own happiness and desires. Dig deep. Do you want to move? Is life there the life you want?

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 17/03/2024 08:55

I think people are being a bit unrealistic expecting an elderly man to uproot his entire life, especially now he's lost his wife.

But equally I'm not sure I'd move a happy child away from her school and home just in case her granddad might need care in the future.

Original poster
Libsi · 17/03/2024 08:57

Just to clarify.

We are happy to move. We love DFIL and I'm shocked so many view this as some sort of burden. Ideally we'd have moved end of Y6 but it's looking like that won't be possible due to catchments, feeders and oversubscription.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 17/03/2024 08:58

If he has friends and a church and hobbies etc, does he really need you to live there? Care can be set up if he starts to need it, but you don't all have to change your lives to facilitate his. He and his DW could have foreseen this and moved closer to you long ago if they'd wanted to. Indeed they could have done so when you had DC to help out but they had their own lives and no obligation to help and they valued staying where they were happy over planning for the worst. I think you should take your cue from them and stay where you're happy.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 17/03/2024 09:00

I think if your FIL was already needing care then it would be different, but as it is you're effectively planning to uproot your lives for something that might never happen.

WASZPy · 17/03/2024 09:00

Who is actually going to do the care for DFIL? Will DH do it or will it realistically be you? If it will be you- do you definitely want that?

It's the Easter holidays in 2 weeks. Do you not need to work notice out at work?

Original poster
Libsi · 17/03/2024 09:01

pinkdelight · 17/03/2024 08:58

If he has friends and a church and hobbies etc, does he really need you to live there? Care can be set up if he starts to need it, but you don't all have to change your lives to facilitate his. He and his DW could have foreseen this and moved closer to you long ago if they'd wanted to. Indeed they could have done so when you had DC to help out but they had their own lives and no obligation to help and they valued staying where they were happy over planning for the worst. I think you should take your cue from them and stay where you're happy.

Let me clarify what I'm asking again.

This isn't about if we should move more when.
DFIL and MIL were caring for their own parents until only 5 years ago. Unfortunately they haven't been as healthy.
While DFIL has hobbies etc, none of this covers the care aspect which is likely to increase significantly over the next few years.

We will be moving, it's just when.

OP posts:
cansu · 17/03/2024 09:01

Moving in year 5 is a better idea. She has time to settle and make friends before secondary school. Kids move schools. They make new friends. It shouldn't be the end of the world. The best thing to do is be clear that it is happening. If you present it with we might or how do you feel about, your dd will sense your uncertainty and you will have dranas and problems.

Original poster
Libsi · 17/03/2024 09:02

WASZPy · 17/03/2024 09:00

Who is actually going to do the care for DFIL? Will DH do it or will it realistically be you? If it will be you- do you definitely want that?

It's the Easter holidays in 2 weeks. Do you not need to work notice out at work?

I have 6 week notice period, which can be combined with annual leave.
I'm more than happy to care for FIL.

OP posts:
SpareHeirOverThere · 17/03/2024 09:02

Libsi · 17/03/2024 08:57

Just to clarify.

We are happy to move. We love DFIL and I'm shocked so many view this as some sort of burden. Ideally we'd have moved end of Y6 but it's looking like that won't be possible due to catchments, feeders and oversubscription.

I don't see it as a burden. It is a choice: he moves to you or you to him.

If you were planning this move anyway, as it is something you want, then go now. DD will have one term in Y5 to settle in and won't ve the 'new kid' by the start of Y6.

pinkdelight · 17/03/2024 09:04

Also if you're determined to move, does it really have to be so close that you're limited to this area with only one primary school place or you're doomed to not get in the only two secondaries? Surely you could move to the next town or somewhere with more options/flexibility. He doesn't even need care yet (and might not - what if he passed in his sleep within a year after you'd done all this uprooting?).

TinyGingerCat · 17/03/2024 09:04

I don't understand the urgency - is is possible your DH is catastrophising after the death of his mum? If DFIL is in good health now, why not apply to secondary schools near him or put your DD in for the 11+ if it's part of the East Midlands with grammar schools. Then she's got time to get used to it. My MIL lives 140 miles from us and we've managed to provide the care she currently needs by spending weekends with her. She won't move near to us and we can't move near to her due to work/school commitments. It's not perfect but it's definitely doable - is that not an option for you whilst you take more time to plan your move?