Moving DDs school at this point in Y5

[Libsi]

I have one DD, she's 10 next month, currently in Y5. We live in the south east, not a grammar school area and all the secondary schools around us are really good.
However last year my DMIL passed away, DFIL is in ok health but realistically will need some degree of care soon. DH wants to move close to him (East Midlands).
The exact area we'd want to move to has 2 outstanding but oversubscribed secondary schools, both with a feeder school and catchment area admissions policy. If not both at a feeder school and in catchment you are basically not getting a place.
I've called up the feeder schools and been told by 2 they have 1 singular place in Y5 but I shouldn't expect these to remain until summer and certainly not past summer.
DH has suggested that we dip into savings, DD and I move in with his dad and look for a rental, during Easter holidays. He can focus on selling our house, DD can start at one of the schools, and we'd be living in catchment. I can look for a job while there (shouldn't be too difficult) and once the house is sold, DH can get a job up there too and we can look at buying somewhere there.

It all sounds super stressful and DD doesn't really want to move, she's super happy at her school and thriving. I know realistically though we can't be this far from DFIL and moving during secondary might be harder.

AIBU considering this? Is it a really unfair thing to do to DD?

These are the best schools by far in the area, it's coincidental he lives in catchment for one. We'd always move to where the best schools are for DDs sake.

I'm more than happy to care for FIL.

Is he happy for you to care for him?

I moved as a child exactly the same time. I do remember not liking it for a while, but it was fine after a bit. Year 5 is a pretty good time to move.

Yes,
I'm not sure why everyone is discussing the need to move or logistics of care when that isn't the question asked.

It's purely about if it's a good time to move or not.

These are the best schools by far in the area, it's coincidental he lives in catchment for one. We'd always move to where the best schools are for DDs sake.

Fine, well move there then. Seems that's what you want and don't share anyone else's concerns so go ahead with it.

Well, personally I don't think it's fair to move your happy, settled DD based on a hypothetical situation.

So I'm going to say no, don't move her.

It was never a question of where to move? It was always when. People felt the need to comment on a question not asked though!

Absolutely no way would I move my happy settled child to care for an elderly parent. If definitely necessary I would move the parent closer to me. My children have had two move school twice due to unavoidable circumstances and though everyone likes to tell you how adaptable they are and that it does no harm, yes it absolutely can do harm.

I think @Libsi is saying that they are going to move and are happy to, what has come up in terms of urgency over move IS her considering her daughter. If they move now then her daughter will get move time to adjust before secondary, the benefits of being in the feeder school, not having to move during secondary etc etc. Of course she doesn't want to right now, kids are not ever massively fond of change, but if that change is going to happen anyway then for the reasons you've outlined it seems like a good time. You can sweeten the deal for her by making sure she gets opportunities to meet up with old friends in holidays etc.

As an aside we are currently doing the opposite and moving my MIL closer, but she has been living alone for a few years now and is ready to let go, she also does not have the network of friends etc your FIL has and is feeling more isolated hence why that is logical for us.

Best of luck with your decision OP.

I moved at that age and the impact lasted a few years and absolutely set me back at school - academically and friendship wise. If your kid is happy pls don’t take that for granted. Can you or your husband work remotely? Can that involve staying with your dil for a few days every few weeks?

Then now is a good time to go
Your dd will settle into her new school, have new friends, and start year 6 with confidence

Are you not concerned about limiting your child's life chances by moving away from the South East, which is largely prosperous to the East Midlands where her opportunities for future careers may be limited?

I know the south east is expensive, crowded and can be a tough place to live, but the impact from being in close proximity to London means that both financially and culturally speaking, it's a good place for a young person to get their own life established.

Sorry if I'm not being clear, but it's hard to articulate!

On the care front, can your DFIL organise some home help, or even just start with a cleaner and gardener?

My late DF was forces. We moved a lot and from a child point of view I would say if you’re definitely going to make the move do it now. I’ve been to lost of schools and t was much much easier to fit in and find friends in primary. I started one high school in year 8 a whole year after everyone else had settled in and made their friend groups. I felt I never really found my tribe there and it was tough/ I never felt that way starting a new primary school.

Why did you think that at some point you'd have to move to provide care?
I've lived away from family for a long time, and I never considered I'd have to move to care for them. In fact, my parents chose to move themselves away from the area and my siblings in retirement.

Does FIL even need care or want you to move closer? Is this actually just the pain of losing his mother and a misplaced sense of guilt your DH is feeling?
Look at alternative options that don't involve uprooting your lives. But if you make this choice, because it is a choice, not a necessity, do it soon and be prepared to properly support your DD.
Remember, she will be leaving everything she knows and loves. It is not the same for her as it is for you. Do not minimise her feelings because she is a child. She might adjust fine, but she might not. Think about that.

Why move? Move FIL to you. When he’s gone, will you all want to be stuck where he lives now?

This. As a child who was moved twice I have to say it wasn't the best for me. I appreciate you feel a sense of duty to your FIL, but your main duty is to your child, simple as that. Just because a school is outstanding, doesn't mean she'll make friends easily. Why uproot a happy child that could be mentally affected by this, long after FIL is gone.

If you are determined to move, because you think that living in the East Midlands is the best place for you to be and expect to live there for the next 8 years. And if you think that living with your FIL and away from your DH for a period of however long it may take to sell your house and for DH to get a new job (6 months? 12 months?) then yes, move now while your DC is in year 5.

Personally, I would not be rushing to relocate mine and my dc's lives from somewhere we were all happy and settled. I would be doing what I could to support FIL from a distance and with visits. And if further care was needed at a later date encouraging him to move closer to us. Retirement properties or over 50s complexes can be cheaper than other properties or you may be able to build/convert/pool resources to move locally to somewhere with a granny annexe.

If us moving was the best decision for the family, I'd still be inclined to do it as a family - target a move over the summer with DC moving into Y6. Spaces may come up in Y6 or if all the local schools are oversubscribed, your dc may be admitted over PAN to the local school.

Better to move now than later if you are going to move to the area.

Speaking as a child who was moved areas during school years, I'd think very carefully about your DD.
It didn't go well for me and I would never do the same to mine

When did MIL die? Don't make major decisions in the first 6 months of loss.

DD moved last term of year 5 there was plenty of opportunity to make friends, sports days, end of year trips and summer fair etc - she slotted in well as there was less pressure on Learning and more in friendships.

She could then start year 6 fresh.

Best move she made.

You can also go ‘home’ weekends and she can still see friends until you move properly.

It’s a good idea as school places are limited especially for good schools.

As an aside make sure you get some bills in your name and added to the council tax bill - schools will check when applying even if the bill is in joint names with FIL

You seem content with the long term plan, which is lovely. In that case I would move to ensure DD gets a primary school place where you want her to be. We did a split move a few years ago. DH moved first and I stayed on to sell the house etc. It was six very hard months. We had a 600 mile journey between us though. If you are closer, it may not be so tough.

Good Luck!

I'd move FIL to you if it gets to the stage where he wants/needs support. it seems completely mad to uproot your lives, love schools, sell your home and change jobs etc all so everyone else can move to where he is.

I think this is a plan fraught with pitfalls. Having moved children at this exact age/year, it was a very stressful experience for them. For an extended period of time.
Also, your house could take over a year to sell. Buyers pull out, chains break down... And meanwhile you are living apart and either living in someone else's home or paying rent and a mortgage at home.
We moved because we had no choice. You do. I absolutely would not uproot my children again in your circumstances.