To say 'enough' and just get rid of it all?

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I know I am in a very fortunate position to have a nice house, lots of toys and clothes for my children, all the streaming platforms etc but I think it’s damaging us.

I dream of having a simple life, of my kids (ages 5 and 8) playing outside for hours and coming in when they're tired to do some reading or drawing, of eating simple meals, spending time together.

I do my best to limit their exposure to streaming platforms, online games etc but when I'm tired and overwhelmed with housework I capitulate and they know it. Also I spend too long on my phone (right now as a prime example, with kids sat in front of Disney+ while I type away). I want to get rid of Facebook etc but don't want to lose the ability to connect to the many people I've met through my life who I'm not close to but still fond of.

Older DC will read a bit to please me but I know she'd rather be playing on the ipad, or watching god-awful tween dramas where all the characters have mobile phones and fight with each other all the time. She loves buying stuff though and has a shelf full of books that she has chosen because they are shiny and cute but that she has never read. When I was her age I remember getting two books for my birthday and they were absolutely treasured and read over and over.

Younger DC is less interested in the TV and will happily come out for a walk with me but he, like his sister, has terrible concentration and struggles to get down to anything that isn't fascinating for him (thanks 24-hour entertainment on demand). His teacher has told me he is the same at school.

It all seems so simple to just take it all away (DH is very pro-technology and a spendthrift as well but he would do it to support me). But I actually feel scared to do it, which is ridiculous.

Please can you give me your opinions and your experience on this? Particularly keen to hear from those who have downsized in the same way! Thanks all 🌞

You say you are overwhelmed by cleaning,do you work long hours? Trouble is, parents these days use tech/screens as babysitters. My youngest DD got her first phone at 14. She strictly limits screen time and tech for her DKs, 12 and 14. I have just this phone, which I only got because we wanted to volunteer during COVID, you you have to have a smart phone. Nokia for 8 years, only because there was no landline here. Was nursing,staff would be dealing with the patients and scrolling/texting on their phone at the same time.a PC, and one TV in the living room. I think it's a case of "Physician,heal thyself". You can't use tech all the time and tell kids not to.

Dd has an hour after school and two hours at weekends of switch time. Tv he will sometimes watch a bit after school until tea. and maybe an hour or so at weekends. We have unfortunately developed a habit of ipad in the car which I regret. He sometimes plays on it a bit in the house but not loads. Odd 15 minutes here and there so I've not bothered to regulate it. The rest of the time we play board games or card games, he reads, we go to the park, trampoline parks, play golf, he loves maths so will do maths sums.

But he does often want to be entertained (only child)

Read this article and do it. Phones, ipads, unending screen time, all damaging to kids.

www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2024/03/teen-childhood-smartphone-use-mental-health-effects/677722/

I think you are just navel gazing to be honest. And I don’t mean that in a bad way.

Kids often aren’t really interested in things unless it’s fascinating. Short attention spans in children have always been a thing. It’s not entertainment in demand that cause this.

You are in a position where you can change your lifestyle if you want. You are in the privileged position of having so much you yearn for the ‘simple life’. But if you had to live the ‘simple life’ (lack of tech, streaming services etc), through no choice of your own, you wouldn’t be happy either.

I think you have a fairytale version of what life should be and it’s not stacking up. So you blame stuff and the modern world. Removing everything doesn’t mean it does exist. The wider world won’t change because you want it to.

They are very young still, so should have strong limits of screen time.

How much are they having each day?

Cut down rather than stop.

It's also getting to spring, summer so much easier to be outside. I find.that we are all off screens in the summer and play in the garden. Whereas in winter when it's dark and cold the screens come out

This is beautifully put. Thank you 😊

It's arrived gradually. Eg got the iPad for DD as she had homework on it, then she wanted a few games, then DS wanted what his sister had...

I hour after school and 2 hours each weekend day is not excessive.

My DS had about that amount, more on wet weekends. But it was the main TV screen, he didn't have a personal device until he was about 10. He is ND, so some of the popular activities, like soft play or indoor sports were too busy or to noisy so we did spend more time at home.

Do you make plans in advance to play board games or play with their toys with them or do you just let the days happen, based around your chores? I assumed play was the main order of the day and I fitted chores around him.

If you can reinstate your cleaner and just be more available to get down on the floor and play with them, then that might be a good compromise.

This would be a dream. Have your kids had unlimited access to tech their whole lives?

You're harking back to a time they don't know, none of their friends know it, so it would be an extreme and isolating position to take especially as they've had all their lives so far in the current way of being a child. There are people who live the way you fantasise about but they do live a greatly different lifestyle. Whilst I do think my childhood was great, as you say, playing out for hours, no Internet, it's a big cultural shift you want to make here.

Getting rid of screens will not fix concentration issues.

Me and my brother grew up in the 1980s. We had no screens because my mum disapproved of TV and there were very few computers in those days.

I was a real bookworm. My brother never read anything.

We still annoyed the crap out of our parents because that is what small children do - we played out on the street and had water fights in the summer. I remember constantly whinging to my mum that we were bored.

Small children have very short concentration spans. That's why at reception they teach in very short segments and then have a rotation of adult led and child led activities.

There's a really good episode of the Motherkind podcast about screen time, have a listen - it talks about how you can balance it with other things and it not being the enemy when used appropriately, I found it really helpful

If they are really having only one hour a weekday and two at weekends, that sounds fine.
We have 2 hours max per day screen time. They need to set a timer themselves. Only BBC iplayer works on our TV and they have to watch from their profile so age appropriate. No Neflix, etc. Also have a Switch and older child has a tablet but wouldn't replace if it broke. Younger child's broke and we haven't replaced it and that has stopped lots of inappropriate rubbish. Good modelling would be if I cut down phone use too and I mean to but haven't yet.

Also on the reading side, they are still young. Are you reading every single night to them? At that age still read every night for half s hour to the children. Then they could carry on reading if they wanted to.

Need to make reading normal, but it's not something in the middle of the day. It's a bedtime thing normally.

Think it might help you to have a routine and feel like you are in control.

So everyone goes for.a.walk, swim, family activities in the morning. Then lunch. Then craft . Then can have screen time.while you tidy up. Then all make dinner together etc

The trouble is you are in danger of isolating your dcs, especially the older one. All her friends will be talking about their tween dramas, and she won't be able to join in.

Her world is not the same as your childhood and she needs to navigate it with relevant knowledge.

That's not to say there can't be a balance, but they have limited screen time as it is.

Commenting on the second part of your post:

As an adult I chose to give my kids screen time and consoles although I didn't have them.

I had problems socially at school and not knowing the TV series that other children were talking about didn't help me at all.

My mum chose for me to have a childhood cut off from tween culture. It was horrible. I did not want my children to have that as I felt so excluded from friendships as a result.

My kids were able to talk about the latest fad with their friends. My son got into Pokémon and it helped him make friends at school.

Tv, computer games etc are important to building friendships in tweens and teens.

Even my parents say I turned out strange and they blame it on the lack of TV.

Two hours is not vary much, that's not even the length of a film.

Also don't make screens a reward for doing things as that just makes them more attractive.

They are just part of the things that can happen each day. Don't make them the ultimate goal

I know us parents shape our children to a certain extent but I think it is unfair to make a massive change immediately

It does feel very dictorial, sure have discussions and make some changes but a blanket 'it is all going' seems dramatic

My 12 year old DS has just taught himself how to build a computer using YouTube videos. It's not all bad. I think it's rather lazy parenting to dismiss it all, instead of doing a bit of research, imposing limits and living in the modern world.

Just to reassure you. My older brother is 47.

His gaming cause arguments in our house for as long as I can remember. Him rushing dinner, barely chewing it, to get more game time. Getting in from football and going straight in. Family days out had strips from him because he wanted to be over sooner and get home to the computer. This was a Commodore 64. When we got the mega drive it really peaked. His friends would come round an all sit in his room shouting and playing. This was the late 80s/early 90s. He continued to game for ages, until he met and moved in with his now wife.

They had kids and he didn’t want his children being the same over games as he was. So they have been really strict. They didn’t get access to a gaming computer until they were in high school, lots of time outside, loads of hobbies, very little screen time etc. And they are having the exact same problems with their ds. Who is now 14.

They got him a gaming computer as all his friends had one and it was becoming isolating as his friends all played. But he followed in his dad’s footsteps. The arguments are a repeat of dbros teenage years. Nephew pretty much ruined their recent trip away because it coincided with game coming out.

Dbro did everything ‘right’ in regards to limiting these things. But it’s still turned out to be a pain in the arse. I was more relaxed and lucky enough that Ds (13) can take it or leave it. Last night he opted to sit and watch a movie with me, rather than go game. He wanted to take the dogs on a long walk yesterday so that’s what we did and had lunch out. I even play the games with him sometimes. But he definitely isn’t obsessive. I don’t think I did it right, it’s just worked out that way. Being relaxed won’t work for everyone.

My point being you do the best you can and it will turn out how it turns out. But it doesn’t mean you need to scrap your life and start again. And that it’s not a completely new thing. I would guess that previous generations also saw similar in their teens but over other things.

You are spot on with this reply x

They sometimes watch drawing tutorials on YouTube when supervised but, as a general rule, they don't get it. Might be lazy on my part but it's not realistic for me to sit with them for an hour while they watch to check the quality and content of each short video they watch.

Also, this thread is not going as I expected 😅 I never thought I'd be accused of laziness because I don't let them on YouTube

What you want is to bring your children up in the 70s / 80s (not unreasonably), not sure how practical that is to achieve these days!

Not unlimited, but pretty generous. iPads have been around and accessible since they were toddlers, they’ve had Nintendos and a Xbox.

I haven’t really set rules and just hoick them off when I think I’ve not seen them enough, we’re off out or I want to play a game, or there’s homework etc to be done.

But that can often have been many hours on an evening or weekend. And now they’ll moderate themselves, take themselves off when they’re bored or want to spend time with us, and they’ll suggest things to do together or with their friends.

Just to say, my brother had a huge problem with gaming throughout school. This hobby turned into a career. He got a Masters in Advanced Computer Science from Cambridge, a PhD from Harvard and an unbelievably high-flying career in IT working for the largest banks and tech giants for ridiculously high money - all in his 20's. So don't dismiss your kids gaming hobbies as all bad 😂