Friends partner's comment

[brainworks]

A friend just called me to ask if she's AIBU

she is the main person that cooks in the house although partner and father of the kids in the house makes the kids dinner most of the time when it's just boiling pasta and putting meatballs in the air fryer after she's made the sauce

Anyway, they she is going through a lot at the moment and she was in bed almost all day yesterday and was down etc she said she then told partner in the evening around 6pm that everyone should have the leftover bolognaise in the fridge from the day before and he said

"Since you have been in bed all day, I thought you should be able to make fresh supper"

She is very upset about the statement, she said she feels belittled by the statement because just because she's in bed all day does not mean she's got to cook if she does not feel like. She told him off and he is saying she is over reacting.

Your Opinion pls

I've always called supper the tea and toast/small snack before bed. I'm so confused.

Sounds like they eat Bolognese a lot!

In my house, when we all have the last meal of the day (supper), we do not allow the children to go straight to bed. We all wait about an hour or more before sending kids to bed & they can have a light snack if peckish

Yeah this! I do however have to let DP have bed days/afternoons for medical reasons but it still stings saying that I really couldn’t lay in bed alday I’d be bored to tears! And having nightmares about the house being destroyed 😅.

Can’t remember ever opting out of family life for all day in bed 🙄

The last full meal of the day I'd call tea or dinner, and I'd call the snack before bed supper.

Well, she's not physically exhausted if she isn't working and her children are largely self sufficient. So, if it's a mental exhaustion then she either needs to seek help, or do her best to help herself. I think its easy to jump to the lazy, inconsiderate man angle (because so many are!) but if it were your male partner, or adult child, who was unemployed and then started to spend weekend days in bed, then you might try to head that off before it became a pattern that helped no one, including them.

Perhaps he's an entitled idiot who needs a lot more empathy. Perhaps he didn't really understand why she'd needed to be in bed all day (unusual behaviour tbf) and was showing frustration in a bit of a clumsy way. I don't think your friend was being unreasonable to ask him to do the meal.

There was food to eat which is quick and simple and prevents waste. They need to communicate about what ever her issues are as I assume if he understood how she felt he might be sympathetic or not depending on what approach she's taken. Generally though you can't just opt out of family life without the other parent getting fed up at some point. The food is a side issue really.

My extended family use the word supper for tea/dinner. I don't know why but it makes me cringe. It's all a bit Downton.

When it comes to eating toast before bed I call it "having a bit of toast".

The actual subject of the thread is a minor issue.

yeah I have a partner like that but in his defence he is actually taking medication and seeking medical help so I have much more sympathy now! But I didn’t for a long time.

The use of the word supper is confusing the situation.

op, with more info it sounds more like be was insisting she stop wallowing. Which is positive. My dh lost his job last year. He spent a day upset and deflated. If id had let him wallow for much longer he would have lost all his confidence and fallen into a depressive state. Instead we got back to it the day after with cv updating, agency emailing and identifying relevant online courses to keep him busy more than anything. Then lots and lots of outdoor dog walks and a focus on an exercise plan and yoga. Things he had neglected while working. But what become crucial when not working.

And you're describing children who probably need more attention regularly.

I think he’s probably fed up with her spending the day in bed. She needs to communicate with him what is wrong and what is her plan going forward. Is she spending today in bed as well? Does she need to see a doctor?

I'm not usually one to jump to the defence of the rude husband, and his comment was rude, however I'd be more than a little annoyed if my husband spent all day in bed leaving me with all the children on a weekend and then started telling me what to do for their dinner.

Honestly, I'd probably be more annoyed if they were unemployed and be thinking, "Just pull yourself together for the day and lay in bed all day while the kids are at school." It does feel a bit like opting out of family life.

@Isittimeformynapyet
Yes it seems like minor issue that has derailed massively here 🤣

I think the DP is an entitled prick
He's got a partner who was in bed (not the norm and he never asked what the issue was) and still doing laundry and said she is not up cooking dinner/supper or last meal of the day because she does not feel up to it and he is making that statement.

Is she not even entitled to say she not up to cooking dinner even if she was not in bed all at all and was busy with activities etc?

At the end of the day, there was food to eat it is not as if there isn't any food at all and that they will all go hungry and starve if she does not cook.

I'm sorry but if I had children young enough to need feeding - at whatever time - and a partner who was opting out, I'd be a bit peeved. Does he work?

@brainworks I disagree with you. Your friend has been a bit out of order here.

She would probably get better results if she were to start communicating with her husband about what’s wrong, rather than hiding in bed and ringing her friends to complain instead.

It sounds to me that your friend is in danger of slipping into depression and they need to have a sensible conversation about that, not argue about who is cooking supper.

Dear God. It's too early to read the words supper and peckish. I'm hiding this thread before the OP mentions the word tummy.

Sounds like she could be suffering from depression.

he never asked what the issue was

So you your friend took to her bed without explanation and waited for her husband to ask what the matter was? That's weird.

Separately, in our house we love having leftovers for dinner because nobody has to make any effort, and the credit goes to the person who made too much dinner the day before.

So you your friend took to her bed without explanation and waited for her husband to ask what the matter was? That's weird.

Well, quite!

This… 😂

I think she’s probably been unreasonable in this specific situation, switch the roles and if it was an unemployed husband doing this then he’d be called a cock lodger.

It’s silly asking on MN though, because your verdict on him is based on so much more than this one event and you’ve already made up your mind which is fair enough.