To tell DH he’s not having a lie in tomorrow!

[whatishappening1]

DH has gone out for drinks with his friends in a city about an hour and a bit train ride away. Left at 11am and isn’t likely to be back into the train station until midnightish, then needs to get home.

I’ve had our 2 children all day (4 years old and 1) which probably sounds a bit petty and ordinarily wouldn’t be so bad, but I have ADHD and have been communicating for a couple of weeks that I’m in early burn out stage, lack of sleep makes it feel worse. Managing a home and 2 children plus working full time in a job managing a caseload in the justice system who’re all either putting their own trauma onto me or expecting me to solve all of their problems.
I only have a weekend to try and reset myself but that’s usually filled up with chores or time with the children which I love, but it’s mentally hard at times.

We don’t have anyone else to really help aside from FIL who does a couple of days weekly childcare and not a lot of money at the minute for me to do something for me. This month is the worst for money as DH has just started a new job.

Anyway, rambling (!) I put the children to bed just over an hour ago as usual. 1 year old has been having screaming episodes quite a few nights this week where she goes for hours even if you’re holding her or she will constantly writhe around on you and refuse to settle - a nightmare for someone in a bad ADHD place. She’s still not asleep now and I’ve still got the usual nightly tidy round tasks to do before I can sit down; I haven’t had any food yet either.

I’m starting to think it coincides with having a breakfast she could be reacting to but DH thinks it’s great and keeps trying to give her it so tonight is one of those nights.
He’s expecting to have a lie in tomorrow - they’ve both started getting up at 6:30am now - AIBU to tell him that I’m not facilitating it? Or should I not be the ‘party pooper’ and get up with the children?

Why didn’t you take time yesterday? I mean your dh sounds like an unsupportive partner but it also sounds like that’s the norm so 🤷‍♀️

I mean by all means tell him that but will he be in fit state to parent?

Who got up at 6.30 this morning?

Did you get a lie in this morning?

I agree with you

Irrespective of anything else, the person solo parenting two little ones all day gets a rest the next day, end of.

How could she take time yesterday? Yesterday was a working day.

@whatishappening1
If you guys don’t have much money spare and there isn’t any money for you to go out and do something, then how can your husband spend all day out drinking? Where is that money coming from?

Me for getting up (also the mention of why I didn’t do anything yesterday was because it was Friday and I work full time, lack of money etc. I can’t go and sit in another room as 4 year old would follow me or shout and cry if he couldn’t get to me and that’s also a nightmare if you have ADHD on burnout brink)

He’s just got paid but said it’s a tiny amount as he’s just changed jobs. If we want to do anything then he’ll say we can’t really as we don’t have much money but he’s obviously prioritising this day/night out.
If I’d have said it wasn’t a good idea, I’d have got a lot of grief about how he doesn’t see his friends much etc so it’s not worth the hassle with how I feel at the moment.

Did you get a lie in this morning?

The only thing I would say is that as you believe there may be an issue with the breakfast, if you do breakfast tomorrow you have a chance of doing something about it…then you hand the children over and go back to bed

@SBHon No - we were out of the house by 8:30 to go for a walk.

You're being very unreasonable to put up with this selfish man-child

If he’s been drinking then he might not be in a fit state to get up in the morning? So could he have a lie in and then you take the afternoon to sleep (and just for yourself) once he’s up?

Honestly I tend to think unless someone's having pretty frequent nights out then I'd think its a bit daft to try and push them into parenting early the next day.

However, I'd be seriously fucked off with a partner telling me money was tight as an excuse for never doing anything, whilst spending money on a day and night out drinking with trains, taxis etc on too.

Sounds like is financially controlling and thinks all nights out should be his with you as wifey who stays at home.

You need to change this dynamic, so yes, get mad and text him that he’s on morning duty so don’t get drunk.

Can't you just talk to each other and decide who has a lie in and when? You have kids together so it's a joint effort surely?

He's basically had the whole day off today.

You get tomorrow. FWIW I imagine you could book a room in a Premier Inn or somewhere for what he will have spent today on train fares, drinks and food.

I'd be booking myself into one tomorrow and sleeping/reading/resting.

Tell him you'll be home early Monday morning to do DC breakfast before you got to work.

I hear what you're saying but he will probably be suffering tomorrow so I would leave him in Bed, do you have time out with Friends? If not, get a day in the Diary soon so he can return the favour! My DH and I often give each other these Weekends day off and a lie in to recover the next day - maybe take a Nap tomorrow afternoon? Or he can do both baths / bedtimes so you can have a nice long bath and some time out?

My OH enjoys a drink (not excessive, but way more than me who has about 3 drinks annually). He also enjoys staying up till 3am playing playstation and then sleeping for +8 hours. He does not like to be nagged about this behaviour, or feel judged in his own home. During the pandemic we made an agreement; if he doesn't shirk his parenting responsibilities (i.e. gets up with the children, doesn't allow hangovers to affect family time etc), then I will not be a judgemental witch. He can do what he likes as long as his actions do not adversely affect the family. So far this has worked superbly. Means I'm also more inclined to be nice when he is occasionally seriously suffering and can play the magnanimous loving wife when I send him back to bed. I get kudos for being nice, when before it was just expected that hungover people get a free pass and someone bringing them water and aspirin.

He does gets a free pass if he forewarns/asks me if I'd mind being parent number 1 on x day because he's going out/has a gaming tournament/something planned rather than just 'I meant to go to bed but suddenly it was 3am and I'd had 4 whiskeys so now I'm going to stay in bed feeling sorry for myself'.

However, we had to have this conversation at a mutual time, and agreed the terms together. He had demands (stop judging me) and so did I (stop acting like you don't have children). Prior to that if I'd have tried to get him up out of his self-inflicted pit of doom he'd have been a bear with a sore head and it would have been the kids suffering as they were parented by a short tempered dad.

TLDR: maybe that it's too late for tomorrow but you two need to have a chat about expectations, fairness, what you both need and how best to ensure you both get it?

I feel like this is the 3rd thread where I've just wanted to write 'this' on one of your comments. Are you me from a different dimension?! 😂

Do you share chores and childcare? Leave the tidying and rest. Bin the breakfast and if baby is better don't buy it again.....does he do bedtime?
Why is it up to him how you spend money? Does he make all financial decisions?
Is the drinking session unusual or for a special reason?

I would get up with them tbh. If the kids get up at 6.30 I would imagine he won’t be fit to look after them. I’d then take the afternoon off, or maybe plan a night out for yourself next weekend.

Thank you all for sharing ideas/suggestions, appreciate it.
Hatty - that sounds like utter heaven!

Yes, it is doubtful he will be in a ‘normal’ state when he gets home so I feel stupid even thinking it but I’m so worn out. He’s promised he’d be okay but when it gets that late after a day it’s not promising, plus he gets carried away and has said before there’s no way he’d go out and only have a few / opt for a soft drink or water between places.

Not a special occasion, just a suggested night out. He speaks to them all daily on WhatsApp as they’re in a football betting group and would say he doesn’t see them much if I were to suggest not to. He was furious at me for having PGP when pregnant and suggesting he shouldn’t go out - went anyway..

He cooks and complains about doing that but not a lot else. He’ll empty the bin and clean the garden (dogs) but also complains about that.
I plan the meals every week (which is 3 a day plus snacks when FIL has them as youngest has allergies already) and write the weekly shopping list. He won’t iron and his idea of ‘helping’ me with that is to ask FIL to do it for him if I’m struggling to find time to do it.
He leaves clothes everywhere - socks and used clothes on the floor, clothes he might wear again strewn around the bannister, floor, multiple coats hung on the bannister, asking me to help him pick clothes for work as he doesn’t know what to wear.

I plan everything children wise - their clothes for the day, spares for childcare, buying clothes, planning whole new wardrobes when they go up sizes, new shoes etc. I’ve only just got him to see that children’s clothes should come from a joint account and not my own, previously he’d said I get the (paltry) child benefit so I needed to use that.

@Beansandneedles

😁Possibly! I am middle aged, menopausal, brisk and no nonsense. I was far too much of a 'people pleaser' when younger and now I have little patience for silliness and people who piss take.

Be firm about what you'll accept early on in relationships would be the best advice I could offer anyone.

This. This is your best bet. Arrange for somewhere to go at lunchtime and leave him to it. Until past bedtime if you can.

then tomorrow morning start planning how you are going to leave him. He sounds like an utter wanker. A bullying wanker.