To tell DH he’s not having a lie in tomorrow!

[whatishappening1]

DH has gone out for drinks with his friends in a city about an hour and a bit train ride away. Left at 11am and isn’t likely to be back into the train station until midnightish, then needs to get home.

I’ve had our 2 children all day (4 years old and 1) which probably sounds a bit petty and ordinarily wouldn’t be so bad, but I have ADHD and have been communicating for a couple of weeks that I’m in early burn out stage, lack of sleep makes it feel worse. Managing a home and 2 children plus working full time in a job managing a caseload in the justice system who’re all either putting their own trauma onto me or expecting me to solve all of their problems.
I only have a weekend to try and reset myself but that’s usually filled up with chores or time with the children which I love, but it’s mentally hard at times.

We don’t have anyone else to really help aside from FIL who does a couple of days weekly childcare and not a lot of money at the minute for me to do something for me. This month is the worst for money as DH has just started a new job.

Anyway, rambling (!) I put the children to bed just over an hour ago as usual. 1 year old has been having screaming episodes quite a few nights this week where she goes for hours even if you’re holding her or she will constantly writhe around on you and refuse to settle - a nightmare for someone in a bad ADHD place. She’s still not asleep now and I’ve still got the usual nightly tidy round tasks to do before I can sit down; I haven’t had any food yet either.

I’m starting to think it coincides with having a breakfast she could be reacting to but DH thinks it’s great and keeps trying to give her it so tonight is one of those nights.
He’s expecting to have a lie in tomorrow - they’ve both started getting up at 6:30am now - AIBU to tell him that I’m not facilitating it? Or should I not be the ‘party pooper’ and get up with the children?

Stop washing his clothes.

Stop helping him find clothes.

PLEASE don’t iron his clothes anymore!

He is treating you like his maid.

Take as much off your plate as you can to avoid burnout. Everything you do for him would be a good start! If it's not in the washing basket, don't wash it. Only iron your things. Weekends are split with one day being your lie in and one his. For what it's worth, those are all my stance with my beloved and helpful partner: it's not me suggesting you get back at him somehow.

Honestly, he sounds like a bit of a waste of space. But at least you can walk back some of the things you are doing, and see if he steps up.

None of the posters on here seem to understand ADHD burnout! It’s not the same as when NT people burnout.

No. DH doesn’t get to fuck off all day and then sleep in for hours when you’re on the brink of a mental health crisis.

Wow, I am just agog at this whole thread. He left at 1130am and he still isn't back?! Why did he leave in the morning for evening drinks? I am perplexed honestly. Would not happen in my world. But aside from thar if my partner ever went out for the whole of Saturday leaving me with the kids then yes I would fully expect him to take charge on Sunday.

@WimbyAce He got into the city at 12:30 lunch time and has been drinking since then.

Thank you for more suggestions and advice. I annoy myself as I’m such a people pleaser and know if I do something it’s done and right

whatishappening1 read my username 😉
I’m AuDHD, late diagnosed. I was married to a man like your H, even down to not doing much at home and leaving clothes all over the house. He kept saying I was messy, I was the problem…I’m also a people pleaser/demand compliant and I believed him. I do admit I end up with ‘doom’ piles. But I reached a point where I found myself thinking ‘On balance, you create more work for me compared to what you contribute’.
We split in the end for various reasons but basically he didn’t respect me - the clothes everywhere was a sign of that. He was too lazy to pick them up and put them in the wash basket; he knew they’d get washed. I went on strike once, every time he left his clothes where they dropped I shoved them under a chair. Took almost 2 weeks before he ran out of pants and I admitted I’d only washed what went in the wash basket! It improved slightly but yeah, I felt like his maid.
Since we split (a couple of years ago now) I have been clearing and Decluttering the home. I have come to realise I just despaired at trying to keep the house tidy or clean. I hired a cleaner but he moaned about the cost and tidying up before she came! My home is lovely now. Much tidier, more organised and less stressful!
Maybe you need to chat to him (sober and not hungover!) about your needs, how to share the workload, set boundaries like ‘I will only wash clothes in the washing basket’. Nights out need to be pre-agreed with who is doing morning shifts. If you don’t get rest soon, you will burn out and become ill.

Sounds like he as had the whole weekend his way and he will be extremely hungover, I would suck it up this weekend, but next weekend he will be dealing with the kids and getting up early. Go and stay somewhere else, if you can.

I’ve not much to add but as a fellow ADHDer you have all my sympathy… and amazement that you seemingly having let slip that you’re not overly impressed with his behaviour as a partner.

May I suggest How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis - perfectly structured and written for the ND brain and if you get the hard back copy you can throw it at your idiot DH! (Joke)

Secondly (and these maybe a very tall order to get your husband to come round to) I suggest ADHDmarriage.com and Melissa Orlovs course she hosts on their. Going on from this you could look at the FairPlay deck of cards to allocate tasks and take the pressure off your poor knacker executive function.

so in addition to being a useless twat, spending money that you don't have on an all day drinking binge, he's doing it with a bunch of mates that he has some kind of gambling syndicate with? How much does he waste on that on a regular basis?

I'd not let him look after the children if been out drinking. I would tell him that next weekend, he needs to look after the children so you can have some relaxation time.

Zombie thread

@whatishappening1
Has anything improved?

I'm a single parent. If I go out I've still got to look after my child the next day. It's ridiculous for a dad to get a free pass for a whole weekend but this is what seems to happen in couples, the dad seems to think he can drink and stay in bed all day and leave everything to me. He still has responsibilities.

I hope you had the following weekend off op and he's now picking up his own clothes.

Oh no. I wouldn't be standing for that. Gather up all his scattered clothes and leave them on the floor on his side of the bed. Refuse to engage. If clothes go in the laundry, they get washed. If not, tough. Stop choosing his outfits, he's an adult and you have enough on your hands. Book a day off next weekend so he has the children for the day so you can go and sit in the library or some other calm space.
Bin the breakfast.
A calm talk about finances sounds very necessary too. Money in/kids expenses/household etc.

Good luck!