To tell DH he’s not having a lie in tomorrow!

[whatishappening1]

DH has gone out for drinks with his friends in a city about an hour and a bit train ride away. Left at 11am and isn’t likely to be back into the train station until midnightish, then needs to get home.

I’ve had our 2 children all day (4 years old and 1) which probably sounds a bit petty and ordinarily wouldn’t be so bad, but I have ADHD and have been communicating for a couple of weeks that I’m in early burn out stage, lack of sleep makes it feel worse. Managing a home and 2 children plus working full time in a job managing a caseload in the justice system who’re all either putting their own trauma onto me or expecting me to solve all of their problems.
I only have a weekend to try and reset myself but that’s usually filled up with chores or time with the children which I love, but it’s mentally hard at times.

We don’t have anyone else to really help aside from FIL who does a couple of days weekly childcare and not a lot of money at the minute for me to do something for me. This month is the worst for money as DH has just started a new job.

Anyway, rambling (!) I put the children to bed just over an hour ago as usual. 1 year old has been having screaming episodes quite a few nights this week where she goes for hours even if you’re holding her or she will constantly writhe around on you and refuse to settle - a nightmare for someone in a bad ADHD place. She’s still not asleep now and I’ve still got the usual nightly tidy round tasks to do before I can sit down; I haven’t had any food yet either.

I’m starting to think it coincides with having a breakfast she could be reacting to but DH thinks it’s great and keeps trying to give her it so tonight is one of those nights.
He’s expecting to have a lie in tomorrow - they’ve both started getting up at 6:30am now - AIBU to tell him that I’m not facilitating it? Or should I not be the ‘party pooper’ and get up with the children?

Zero chance of me getting up tomorrow in your situation. He basically had today off so he can do the lions share tomorrow. Plus obviously he had better not moan and go on about being hungover / tired etc

Why feed into it? Just encourages his bullshit behaviour. I would fire off a text suggesting he’s home in the next hour or so if he’s to get up at 630

@whatishappening1 Is there any real reason why you couldn't grit your teeth to get through this week and book yourself a hotel room for next weekend?

That seems fair if he's had Saturday off this weekend and a lie in Sunday. It gives him warning. If he mentions money tell him you are simply matching whatever he has spent this weekend - that's fair, isn't it? And you are simply taking the time off he had this weekend - that's fair isn't it?

He hasn't really got a leg to stand on. There is nothing less attractive than an adult man who can't cope with his own children for a day or so.

Absolutely no way I'd give my DH a lie in because he took the whole day off parenting and has a hangover.

Hangovers are self-inflicted, so I have absolutely no sympathy. You should have a big lie in and the afternoon off. You need it!

@TruthorDie I wouldn’t want my partner caring for my kids alone if he was too drunk/hungover to do so. If he came home early after a few then that would be fine but it doesn’t sound like he’s only going for a few

@ancienticecream

hang overs are self inflicted, but the children didn't ask to be looked after by him in that state!!

@whatishappening1 I'd get up with the children, I wouldn't inflict his morning after revolting mess on them.

Given everything you've said about him, I'd be seriously looking at separating. Parenting along us easier than parenting with a complete waste of oxygen!!

I'd be doing this too. Have done it on a number of occasions in fact. I need balance for my own sanity, but if I'm in the house then the kids want me and even if DH was up and willing they'd reject him. So it's much easier all round if I'm just not there, I'm not available for him or them to fall back on and they have to deal with it. Which they do, very well, as long as they're not in the same building as me!

You don't even have to go far away. My go to hotel is only about a 15 minute drive from me. The receptionist once saw my breast pump in my bag, sussed that I was there for some peace and upgraded me to a suite 😂 legend!

You have three children not two it seems

Hope you can get a catch up on some sleep when your Dh takes over childcare - if he doesn’t get enough sleep that’s his problem.

I hope your one year old is feeling better. If needed take your one year old to get checked at GP

I would throw away the breakfast food your husband is giving your one year old daughter and try basic simple meals - ans completely additives & preservative free as possible.
The writhing and irritability and tantrums can be common r actions for some children to some food additives. It was amazing how quickly my daughter switched to calm happy behaviour when I changed her diet and stocked up on foods and snacks that were very yum, but basic whole foods- as additive free as possible.

Any of his clothes left lying around, kick them under the stairs/under the bed/in the garage/out in the garden.

Because he isnt going to do that.

He won’t be any use to you at 6.30am, you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. Give him his lie in till mid morning, then give him the kids for the rest of the day and do something for yourself then.

I didn't need to read all that to say, your husband sounds selfish and not someone I'd want to raise kids with. Why is he even out drinking all day? Wtaf

Side issue: I've read so many threads on here with exhausted women saying their DH can't 'help' with (insert basic task) because 'he has ADHD'. The woman is then given an avalanche of advice about how to support her DH, techniques to try, how to make things easier for him, urged to understand how debilitating ADHD can be... basically a woman breaking from the mental load is advised to shoulder an additional mental load of managing their DH's condition because ADHD makes things so difficult for DH.

However - time and time again a woman with ADHD is on here- doing IT ALL despite her ADHD. Carrying the mental load, running the house, meeting everyone's needs at great personal cost.

Men seem to be able to opt out, women seem to go until they burn out.

Back to OP, you're being financially abused. Why does he have enough money for a whole day of drinking (what does that cost?) and you can't do anything nice for yourself? It sounds like he was recently unemployed as well?

If you both work full time, why are you doing the majority of the chores?

The sleep in tomorrow is just one tiny aspect of the very fucked up and unfair world you live in.

If there is the money in your account- I would book an inn (or stay with a friend) for a couple of nights. See it as an investment in your mental health and the family's wellbeing.

Your children deserve a mum who is rested, well and supported.

Reading your OP I wonder if your life would be nicer without your DH.

So you've communicated to him that you're in burn out, and his response to that is to drop his part giving himself a break leaving you to pick his slack up.

That's not love, is it? It's almost quite cruel to be honest.

I think you should have thought about it beforehand and taken a lay in Saturday morning and allow your DH tomorrow morning. When the kids were teeny we always agreed our weekend lay ins fairly.

I would expect a lay in after going out but would do the same for my DH.

Agree with the pps saying I wouldn't leave my kids in the care of someone who has been drinking all of the day before. He'll be a big, grumpy, smelly mess tomorrow.

I’m my own worst enemy at times too - working full time (and I see so much questionable parenting through work) I feel so guilty for ever thinking of leaving the children at a weekend. It’s just bloody hard work and I’ve broken down a few times in the past couple of weeks wondering how it’s all going to get done.

He’s just left a job and gone straight into this new one - new office job but with plenty of WFH and he’s not doing anything at the moment aside from online training courses.
He’s telling me he’s only had some Guinness and lager but I know for a fact he’s been in a cocktail bar too drinking concoctions which are bloody expensive.

He’s trying to send suggestive messages as to what he hopes to happen when he gets home now..

Who does the night feeds/comforting? In our house some loft gets a full nights sleep, and the other gets a lie in. It sounds like you've been on call pretty constantly and will be all night, so he can get up with his children.

Thankfully once she’s asleep she will sleep through but she can go until after 9pm when it’s really bad so needs someone to sit holding her.
It’s usually whomever has done her bedtime that will sit but he’s less likely to go in and wants to hang on that she’ll give up (she won’t). The same way if she wakes up, he’ll turn the sound off the baby monitor with just the screen still on, in the hopes she’ll go back to sleep so I’ll go to her.

He said he only got paid around £800 and he put £600 into the joint account recently so I’m not sure how he’s funding today as out of what would be left, he needs to pay his own ‘personal bills’.
Thinking about it, we also put over £1000 each into the joint each month so how bills will be covered I’m not sure - he’s not discussed it.

Just go out next weekend and leave him with the kids. Problem solved.

His train has been delayed - I asked him about 5 times outright if he was on the train/was it delayed and he ignored it to just ask why I was being like that so I’m guessing that says how drunk he is! Early start for me it is.

You should of discussed this prior
not some passive aggressive stance tomorrow morning

It's "you should have".

It's not passive aggressive to put your children first.