Are you as socially awkward as me?

[nebulash]

I hate how socially awkward I am. I find work social gatherings/conferences painful to endure. I dread them so much. I have no understanding of social ques. I really struggle with chit chat in a group setting. I'm really good with 1 2 1 conversations but if there are more people, I just stand there like a weirdo with nothing to say or add. I absolutely hate myself for being like this. I'm okay with people I am comfortable with but so so awkward and almost mute with others. I do smile (quite a lot), nod or laugh when required or say things like "wow", "yeah, I see what you mean", "that's cool/interesting" and this pretty much sums up my vocabulary. I wouldn't dream of sharing a story or an experience. Although, I wish I could.

I was at a work event yesterday (attendance was mandatory) and hated every minute of being there. It's very hard and embarrassing to admit but I went and hid in the toilet a few times because I was overwhelmed by the whole thing. I struggled with conversing with colleagues I hadn't met before and clients too. They were all much older than me with lots of things in common. They've known each other for 15+ years. I hated being introduced too. I felt so out of place.

I'm late 20's and don't think I'll ever change. I've always been very shy.

Do you think very quite people are weird? Do you feel uncomfortable around socially awkward individuals?

WHY?
😂

This is a good point. Sounds to me of you're feeling really nervous and agitated then maybe it's cos deep down you want to converse! I used to be the same and now I can be very chatty when I put my mind to it. Whereas some people just aren't fussed and just sit quietly not arsed lol.

This is an interesting perspective.

I did explain to a colleague that I'm not talkative in large groups and grew up very introverted and shy. He's the complete opposite.

I might ask him next week what he thought of my interactions/behaviour and if I looked weird.

Thank you. Going forward, I may need to start accepting my self as an introvert and not be so bothered about contributing in group discussions. This would be helpful I think. Less pressure and stress at least.😅

Yes - although what struck me is the fact you do seem agitated almost like you WANT to converse, in which case there is probably a social butterfly wanting to get out that just needs a bit of encouragement!

I agree. If people look like they are interested in what I am saying, I and other people can waffle on for ages.
We would also think you were really nice because you listened to us without interrupting.

You might want to to read 'Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking' by Susan** Cain
Lots of introverts find it a hugely validating read .

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I can relate OP. O gate social situations. Have very few friends, mostly out of choice though tbh. I like chatting with my fiends, but even that I find it overwhelming and stressful. If in a coffee shop with a friend, I’m often stressed so can’t focus on my surroundings, just the conversation I’m in as it takes a lot of effort. If I go out with my few fiends I will enjoy it most of the time but I absolutely cannot wait to get home. Being at home after being out is the best feeling in the world. Pretty sure I’m autistic tbh. My child and parent are, so quite likely.

thats the trick, learned it from the book dale Carnegie how to win friends and influence people book, obviously he ment to use the tactic in a genuine way

I recommend How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships by Neil Lowndes. There are tricks yoy can learn. It doesn't mean it'll be a breeze, but you can get through and feel ok about it.

I feel like I always say the wrong thing, tbh. I try to be friendly and warm without being too much but striking the balance really doesn't come naturally to me, and I find myself agonising over what I said or didn't say at a later date. Sometimes I wish I could just say nothing (maybe others do too!)

I hate work events now, too. I used to like them when I was younger and felt more part of a young group of friends at work (nursing). Now I hate them and rarely go. I hide in the toilet a lot! Conferences, etc, are worse.

I am socially awkward and very introverted. But I am older and have learned not to care. I make zero effort to interact with others and if I have to go to an event I am fine to spend an evening on my own without speaking to anyone. I avoid social events when I can. I used to be embarrassed about it but I've accepted it is who I am, and stopped putting pressure on myself to put myself into an uncomfortable position. It has been very liberating.

No there is nothing with you. You're an introvert. Nothing special.

I am socially awkward. I don't especially like interacting with other people. I can deal with it at a restaurant though... probably because food is an incentive! But I feel so self conscious. Just yesterday I went out with friends and tried to copy how they told the waiter their order, but I managed to stammer, change my accent twice (in the same sentence) and order the wrong (was feeling indecisive about 2 mains). Luckily I'm now in my 40s and don't care as much as what I would have done 10 years ago. So I called the waiter back and told him I changed my mind. I did blush though which made me feel stupider!

You put on an act. I find a lot of my awkwardness comes from thinking people expect me to be a certain way. No one actually gives a shit. So you just treat it like any other job and follow procedures.
"Busy, isn't it?"
"Wonder what they'll feed us?"
"What would you normally be doing instead of this?"
"In out of things to watch. Any recommendations?"

Ds really struggles with this. I'm sympathetic, to a point, but so much of life depends on learning to interact. I'm a weird mix of craving society but being socially awkward. Life and soul on a night out with friends, but chronically embarrassed on work dos.i just have to forget myself until I'm comfortable.

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Is this something you could ask for coaching/mentoring on? More from a coping perspective rather than trying to change who you are. And frame it as a personal development and training opportunity.

I'm the same. I'm now late 40s and will never change. Was at a work event yesterday and went to the toilet for ages to avoid small talk over lunch. Then I got my my laptop out to deal with "urgent" emails.
I suppose as I've got older I just accept this is who I am. I don't have the energy to hate myself for it.

I am the same, until I really get to know someone then I seem to let my guard down and can be myself. Otherwise I'm an awkward, smiling from ear to ear, stumbling over my words bufoon. People I'm friends with now tease (in a nice way) me about how awkward I am/was when I first met them. It's a bit of a rolling joke at work. Some of my now friends have said it's endearing, however others have said at first it comes across as being rude or not interested. I was mortified to hear this as I spend a ton of energy trying not to cause even a microscopic morsel of offense. I wasn't always like this I can remember being quite outgoing at school and uni but something happened between graduation and starting my career that triggered it. I wish I could figure out what...

Same

I’m an introvert but I’ve learned to say fuck it, I don’t enjoy or value small talk so I don’t do it. Learn to love yourself as you are. Introverts are amazing people who don’t bother anyone. 😂

Im in a very social job with lots of interaction (appointment based). I often say we talk to/meet far too many people in a day, and it isn’t at all natural for many of us. I often think that I long for the days where your network/work was just your little village where the people you know and deal with, are the people you’ve always known. I’m not convinced constantly meeting new people and having to force interaction with them is at all healthy (for introverts).

This is me now diagnosed with inattentive adhd - I miss social ques and in groups too hard to read so many social ques at once

I sometimes hide/regroup in the bathroom (loo) too at these type of things.

I know exactly what you mean about thinking up something to add to the discussion and by the time you formulate what you're gonna say everyone has moved on. In school class discussions, my biggest fear was being called on because I generally would just freeze, my mind would go blank, and I could not think. I need time to think about what I'm going to say. I'm much better with written communication.

I hate being made to feel like I am the one being rude (see previous poster) when I don't cope well with new social situations but am forced into them, and then told I should just put on a mask and pretend to be someone I'm not. How about if all the loud extroverted people just simmered down; would they like to be told they are rude for being so talkative and they should just shush up? Because I would seriously like to do that sometimes but I don't, because I'm not rude. But I do appreciate that there are extroverts that can talk so I don't have to. (As much). Although I can talk at very great length on various subjects when am knowledgeable about them.

As a word of advice, I will assume at any given event, that I am possibly not the most socially awkward person there (even if I am) and try and find someone that looks as uncomfortable as me and be the possibly more outgoing one and say something like "I'm really not very good with these types of work things, how are you coping? Have you learned any useful things? How's the food? Do you know when lunch will be served?" ......etc. So yes, I'm putting on an act, but also trying to help a fellow introvert get through the day.