Are you as socially awkward as me?

[nebulash]

I hate how socially awkward I am. I find work social gatherings/conferences painful to endure. I dread them so much. I have no understanding of social ques. I really struggle with chit chat in a group setting. I'm really good with 1 2 1 conversations but if there are more people, I just stand there like a weirdo with nothing to say or add. I absolutely hate myself for being like this. I'm okay with people I am comfortable with but so so awkward and almost mute with others. I do smile (quite a lot), nod or laugh when required or say things like "wow", "yeah, I see what you mean", "that's cool/interesting" and this pretty much sums up my vocabulary. I wouldn't dream of sharing a story or an experience. Although, I wish I could.

I was at a work event yesterday (attendance was mandatory) and hated every minute of being there. It's very hard and embarrassing to admit but I went and hid in the toilet a few times because I was overwhelmed by the whole thing. I struggled with conversing with colleagues I hadn't met before and clients too. They were all much older than me with lots of things in common. They've known each other for 15+ years. I hated being introduced too. I felt so out of place.

I'm late 20's and don't think I'll ever change. I've always been very shy.

Do you think very quite people are weird? Do you feel uncomfortable around socially awkward individuals?

for me i was the shy type and then i also like to be in the loop about different activities , peoples affairs etc then eventually i adapted , started to learn from observing others and how they all interact with each other and built my skills on trial and error and continuous learning

Today I feel burnt out, depressed and anxious. 😞

They were mostly discussing topics that they know a lot about i.e. football, management stuff, specific industry training schemes, politics - I unfortunately know very little about all of these. Then you're right to keep quiet, but even better to go and find a group which is more interesting.

It helps if you you can focus outwards, look for the person who is on their own, or is hovering on the edge of the group but not part of it, anyone that doesn't look like they're enjoying themselves. See if you can get a 1-2-1 going with them. I means you're not trying to break into a group conversation, you're making other people feel a lot happier because you spoke to them, and you're not so self conscious because you're focusing outwards and not inwards,

You won't stand out if you're silent. People simply won't see you. Just as, at the moment, you're not seeing the other people there who aren't fitting in.

I feel awkward directing questions to specific individuals in a group setting. I always worry, they'll think "why on earth is she asking me in particular and not the rest?". They'll be flattered that you've noticed they're the most interesting person in the group.

Thank you.

For me, thinking of the right things to say is very difficult. I may have a delayed thought process.

All this is such good advice.

Thank you so much. I appreciate this!

This is me. And I feel like I’ve never met anyone else as socially awkward as myself. I feel sad for my daughter because she is following me and I feel like she’s going to go through some real struggles like I have with. One to one, or very small
groups I’m fine, anything bigger i literally can’t bring myself to open my mouth and it’s so embarrassing. I look at everyone around me and it seems they are all extrovert and having such a great time, I go home and want to cry sometimes because I feel like a total idiot.

I read always autism threads with interests and such also. The fact that shy and introverted people have to have necessarily autism is so ridiculous. We are all different and are meant to be , not put under same labels.

I am ambivert and extrovert and introvert and why and open and go red and keep quiet and talk when I want and did an online test for autism and have 0 % autism.

I am different in different types of gatherings and someone once in my secondary told me I am so strange and different. Autism in girls in these times in my country was unheard of, but because I go red very often, I thought I might be. LOL. I did an online test out of curiosity and have none traits at all.

Yes and there is nothing wrong with having autism so not sure why you're being shady as if I insulted the op

My issue arises when others are busy talking. I strive to keep my contributions concise and relevant to the general theme of the conversation. If I cannot actively participate, I adopt a listening role, learning from those who are speaking and enhancing my knowledge. I then apply this knowledge during subsequent one-on-one conversations.

Yes. It's so painful. I hate, hate, hate networking. I've done it twice in two weeks and I was in the loo and wondering how long I could stay in there.
I'm OK if I'm talking to people but I have someone on my shoulder rolling their eyes at what I say or don't say. My oh is like a 90s Rollerblader when it comes to talking to people- smooth, easy and flowing. I'm more like someone rolling down a hill - quickly reaching the bottom and hitting every tree on the way down. He knows half the school. I know only a few people that I talk to. I actively avoid some of them. I'm probably rude but I think there's a gulf between intro and extroverts. We don't understand how the others function.
I enjoy talking to friends but even then, being by myself when I come home is the best part of the evening. I do have to force myself and I do struggle with getting words out that are coherent so I think that exacerbates my anxiety about social interaction.
I wish I wasn't so introverted.

I have an acquired brain injury and, as a result, I overshare, often swear inappropriately and talk loudly and too much. I only go to social events when I absolutely must and, like you, I cringe and wince and worry for weeks! But, I do believe there are many people who wish they were more like us.

No advice unfortunately, but just a wave of solidarity from me 👋 I’m exactly the same - I feel exceptionally awkward in large groups, and even more so in a work environment. Like you, I also hide in the toilets during tea breaks, just to avoid having to make small talk with people. And I get the post-event embarrassment as well. Sometimes I feel like crying when I get back in the car, as I just feel so drained and I think everyone just thinks I’m really weird. I don’t know why I’m like it, but I guess it’s just part of being an introvert.

There's nothing wrong about having autism but it's a bit of a leap to suggest that if you're self conscious in large group situations you most likely are autistic.

Another here - I am way better than I used to be but I find it absolutely exhausting. I am fine one to one but find work socials or even large meetings really 'expensive' in emotional energy. I am sure people find me awkward but I accept that these days (am old) and think I have learned to work with it enough to show I am interested and care about people still. I am sure long term imposter hasn't helped in any way! But in my work I also meet other people who feel the same quite often, and I love talking to them

OP has set out that when she is interacting with others she smiles, nods, laughs and engages.

She hasnt been rude and is being social

Honestly- this describes "social" people more than it does introverts. I'm the same as OP, can be quite socially anxious but will always ask lots of questions of people and know how to carry a conversation. With certain "social" people though I could be asking question after question with literally 0 questions asked back.
I do massively shy away from sharing stories, I'm not a natural storyteller and I'm not funny in front of a group, but that's because I don't see the need to jump in with a bullshit boring story about any random thing. Some of my "chatty" colleagues will jump in with a story about the most banal boring thing, if you try to share something they'll act like you basically haven't spoken. I'm not sure where people find the confidence, on one hand of course I'm jealous, on the other hand I don't see the need to share a random story about my neighbours beef or whatever

Same, OP. 8 hours? I'd have been hiding in the loos A LOT. I just can't do social things like that, esp for work where you feel like people are going to judge you and then you have to face them at work after.

I spent a few years working in a very social profession and never once socialised after work with my colleagues because I simply did not have the energy for it after a full day in the office with everyone. I also pulled sickies every time we had some kind of dreadful 'team away days' where we were expected to camp in tents or share rooms with colleagues overnight. I can't do it.

People who are not introverted like this simply don't get how draining and stressful it is being around people and forced to make small talk and feeling so very uncomfortable and awkward the entire time. I would have been close to tears by the end of 8 hours of a work event in a crowd! Even now, when I go to conferences (which is rare because I hate them), I know I cannot do a full day of being around people so I schedule in time to be in my room alone where I can work in peace and chill out.

I don't have autism, I'm just very, very introverted and get my energy from alone time. It is what it is. Don't feel bad for being the same way, and don't let anyone who hasn't lived this particular experience make you feel bad either.

Just wanted to say this resonated me with so much and you’re not alone in feeling this way.

I was at a work conference a couple of years ago which ran over the course of a week. Of course a lot of the time was networking, then the conference during the day my company had a stand where I’d be the main person discussing the company and what it does. The whole thing was overwhelming and I found it so hard to make small talk with people. I’m in my early 40s so I should be better at this by now?

Anyway I’m not sure it gets easier really, but for me, practicing and doing it more and more did slightly lessen the anxiety. Also knowing that there were other people at the conference clearly in the same boat, hating the networking aspect of it but forcing themselves to talk to people.

Keep persevering, and try and remember you are fine the way you are. Life would be boring if we were all the same!

the key overall i find is finding something the other person loves to talk about then let them talk away while il listen and make notes so to speak

but have some small topics of my own to talk about

Thank you.

I did meet a co-worker who appeared to be as shy and quiet. Her reactions were quite similar to mine in the group discussions. Lots of smiling and very minimal vocal input. She's a lot senior (in position) than me too.

I am generally chatty and social but sometimes do feel a bit socially awkward at those type of work events.
I see people I work with who just happily sit quiet, seem really content in not chatting much, really comfortable looking. I think these people are great, to me it says they are happy, comfortable, not looking to impress. Who knows maybe you look this way ?

I used to also experience involuntary reddening of the face due to embarrassment or stress when I was younger. Thankfully, it's a no more.

I did an an online test earlier and I too have 0% autism.

I'm not socially awkward as such but I have to be in the mood for these types of events so am occasionally like you if I've inconveniently had it thrust upon me. I have found that if you can think of something to say about yourself/some interesting story that will wittle away a lot of time and once you get going it actually comes naturally. It works better than the little space fillers of "oh right" or "I see what you mean". Better to just grab the bull by the horns till it's over.