Unrealistic expectations of 8 year old?

[BoyMamma2]

feel like an AH right now for being annoyed at almost 9 year old and wondering if my expectations are unrealistic.
Out today and he’s eating ice cream with his fingers . He can use a knife and fork but prefers not to. Every Single Meal since he’s been 3 I’ve reminded him not to use his fingers. Every Single Time!
Evert night his room is a disaster . I don’t expect him to clean but I do ask he doesn’t leave clothes on the floor. I’ve been asking this for 2 year but he’s never once picked any up. We have fabric car seats and I have asked him repeatedly not to stand on them to climb out. I feel that I spend my days repeating myself.

am I unreasonable to expect an almost 9!year old to do these things? Sick of moaning and wonder if I should just ignore these thing till he’s older. He’s no learning difficulties.

I also have to remind about picking up clothes from the floor, daily, they get picked up after reminders. I would say state expectation and reasons why they are important. Use please and thank you, especially if they do it straight away. Notice and praise when they do the things you expect as basic without being promoted. You could also set up a reward system with stickers or points and when certain amount are earned do something special/fun together.

Couldn't agree more. My eldest is like this too and also has autism, adhd, dyspraxia and hyper mobility.
Think it's a little harsh for others to comment saying bad parenting without first ruling these things out.

You very clearly tell him if he doesn't eat with a spoon you will take his ice-cream away. Then take it away. Nothing cruel about that.

Apart from the generally messy room none of this sounds right for a nearly nine year old who does not have some form of ND.

OP, I think you should be getting him assessed ASAP. You sound like you’re in denial. You need to know what you’re actually dealing with, for your own sanity and so you can help him better from now on.

I agree, my 12 year old struggles with cutlery. He was recently diagnosed with dyspraxia which is a disability affecting fine and gross motor skills. I would get your child assessed as that could also be a sensory thing. No matter how much you tell them off they can't help it without intervention and a different approach. I wouldn't be harsh on him as it may be something he is really struggling with. Best of luck OP x

Obviously by the time he has reached adulthood he will have better executive function and will be able to assess whether to use his fingers or not.

Not obviously at all.

For the car seat thing I would make a visual aid that you can laminate and hang off the seat in front that reminds him of how you’d like him to leave the car. If you can make it personal, memorable, funny (to him, not at his expense) so much the better.

He’s probably doing what he’s doing because his motor planning is poor. It will just take him longer to learn to do it the way you’d like him to, so help him out.

If he is capable of using a knife, fork and spoon but chooses not too I'd remind him to use his cutlery then if he refuses to, take the food away. You'd only need to do it a few times before he caught on, to use the cutlery provided. It's not cruel to encourage him to use cutlery. If he uses the cutlery he eats the food. If he chooses not to help goes without. It's not as if he can't use a spoon for eating ice cream. His choice.

It sounds pretty normal apart from the eating with fingers.

I'm not that strict but they wouldn't be allowed ice cream if this is what they do. As soon as fingers went in the bowl I'd have taken it away.

We started giving our 4yr old and almost 7yr old pocket money for tidying their rooms. They've also been told it must be fairly ok in the week, I'm not giving them money for doing it once a week and it's a mess the rest of the time. Clothes are still a bit of an issue sometimes in eldest DD room. She drops out them and leaves them wherever.

They saved up their pocket money last few weeks and we took them to smyths and they bought a toy each. A gd incentive to keep their rooms tidy.

DS is 8 and DN is 11 and both are ND (ADHD and autism). Both eat with their fingers and need constant reminders. Thankfully due to their rigid diets most foods are dry. One would never eat ice cream and the other would use a spoon. My other DS is 4 and always uses cutlery.
Both of the ND boys need constant reminders to tidy up, sit down, not to climb etc. We don't tolerate it and tell them every time but each time is like the first for them. Always seem shocked to be told.

We started giving our 4yr old and almost 7yr old pocket money for tidying their rooms

yeah, do NOT start paying your kids to do basic household tasks. It sets up an unrealistic expectation that they will continue to get paid for doing the necessary to life tasks. They tidy their rooms because otherwise they live in a pigsty or you have to do it. Not because they get paid ffs