To still be upset about Mother’s Day

[Thementalloadisreal]

BIL made no effort for SIL (DH’s sister) on Mother’s Day and she called me upset that they hadn’t had a nice meal or taken the DC to get her any gifts.
BIL has said sorry but hasn’t done anything else to make up for it, and come this weekend hasn’t made any plans.
SIL is furious her DH thinks that it can just be swept under the rug and carry on as normal.

BIL has said he thinks she needs to get over it. It’s only a day, they do plenty of other things as a family (SIL pointed out that’s due to her always arranging the “fun things”, she feels overlooked/unappreciated etc)
I feel caught in the middle as we are good friends with them and SIL wants us to back her up. I do agree that he could have made more effort but is she being unreasonable by dragging it out?
YABU - she needs to get over it by now
YANBU - he still needs to make an effort to make it up to her

I think you're being unreasonable by entertaining it all at this stage.

Just tell her it's not your fight and to leave you out of it.

I think you need to leave it to them, it’s their marriage and their argument and they need to resolve it - not you.

She needs to get over it. Mother's Day as it is now is just a competition for social media and a commercial opportunity for companies.

Do her children love her? Does she feel appreciated? If not - those are things that need to change day to day. But Mother's Day isn't the be all and end all

This.

Yes she needs to get over it and you should not be getting involved.

She needs to stop dragging third parties into her marriage and you need to close down any discussions about it.

She's BU expecting you to get involved.

I think throw a curve ball, really commit to helping fix this for them. Set up a dispute resolution business and sign them up for a 10 year support contract. Move in next door and retrain as a therapist

Keep out of it.

It sounds as if there may be more issues here than Mothers Day.

All the drama over Mother’s Day, it’s unbelievable how over the top people get about it. It really is.

I doubt this is just about Mother’s Day and she doesn’t need to get over it if it’s symptomatic of a lack of effort and appreciation by the BIL. However, it’s not your fight.

Agreed you should keep out of it. But if she keeps trying to raise the subject, then tell her to draw a line under this one, but in future be very clear to her husband what her expectations are for birthdays, Christmas, valentine's day mothers day etc.

I don't make a big deal out of mothers day. a card and a box of Milk Tray and I am happy. So my DS has grown up with this level of expectation. If he has kids with the daughter of someone who expected breakfast in bed, a day out, lunch, dinner AND a card and a physical present, then he is going to be in for a surprise. There is no right or wrong about what to do for Mother's day, but expectations need to be communicated.

This is definitely not actually about Mother's Day. She's feeling underappreciated daily and was wishing to be made special on that one day. Just for one moment to feel that people took notice, saw how much she did for the family and understood that she was the cornerstone.

Yes, I understand her point of view... She's venting still as she's extremely disappointed and can't yet let it go. I would sympathise with her, nod and murmur agreement but not actually berate her husband. She needs a shoulder, and may need one in future when she finds is too soul-destroying. 🫣

Oh yes totally agree that it’s not my fight or my business! I am responding sensitively when she tells me about it but not agreeing or voicing an opinion currently. But we are close friends as well as family, and I do feel sorry for her. I think she feels unappreciated as she plans everything else, the way she said she just wanted one day to not be in charge of everything made me feel sad for her. I don’t think Mother’s Day is particularly important but clearly there’s more to it, if she was feeling overlooked generally.

This. It is clearly more than just mothers day. Tell SIL and BIL their marriage problems are their own to fix.

She has clearly said that she feels unappreciated and overlooked, to me it reads even with everything shouting at him to get a bunch of flowers and card and he still couldn't do something nice for someone who is meant to his teammate.

Personally I would stop trying with someone who didn't put in effort.

They need to address the underlying issue tell them to communicate and crack on.

I don't understand why BIL didn't just book a nice lunch for another day, say how sorry he is and make it clear that he expects no fuss for Father's Day this year. That said, it isn't your business and you need to let them work it out.

It's not your place to get involved.

😅

I agree, it seems like a simple fix doesn’t it. He appears to be hoping it’ll all just blow over so he doesn’t need/want to do anything about it.

I don’t want to tell him what to do though, it’s not my place.

As it's a SIL/BIL thing - it's not your place at all to be concerned.
Your own direct relation (in relationship to this person) could say something if they think they should, but for you to say something will only make you look really interfering and nuts.

1. This is nothing to do with the OP.
2. If you have to push and shove someone to "do something nice" or buy you a gift, then it's not really worth having is it? These things should be spontaneous and done willingly.
3. Mothers Day is highly commercialised and not worth fussing about.

Then she needs to address the overall picture rather than focus on mother's day. It's just making her boggle look insignificant.

She needs to chat with him, not you and they need to agree on changes together. She needs to change the things she does to be appreciated and he needs to take notice.

Other than telling her similar, that's all your involvement. I really wouldn't get involved in their relationship.

I wouldn't get in the middle of it, but yes any decent person would make it up to their partner. She just wants some effort to show she is appreciated. Hoping it will all blow over and telling her she should get over it is really rubbing salt into her wound and he's being pretty crap about it.

Encourage her to forget about mother's day and speak to him seriously about not sharing the load. Lend a listening ear as a friend but don't actually get involved.