To still be upset about Mother’s Day

[Thementalloadisreal]

BIL made no effort for SIL (DH’s sister) on Mother’s Day and she called me upset that they hadn’t had a nice meal or taken the DC to get her any gifts.
BIL has said sorry but hasn’t done anything else to make up for it, and come this weekend hasn’t made any plans.
SIL is furious her DH thinks that it can just be swept under the rug and carry on as normal.

BIL has said he thinks she needs to get over it. It’s only a day, they do plenty of other things as a family (SIL pointed out that’s due to her always arranging the “fun things”, she feels overlooked/unappreciated etc)
I feel caught in the middle as we are good friends with them and SIL wants us to back her up. I do agree that he could have made more effort but is she being unreasonable by dragging it out?
YABU - she needs to get over it by now
YANBU - he still needs to make an effort to make it up to her

This isn’t about one day. This is about lack of care and consideration. Of course she’s still going to be upset about it, but instead of talking to you, she needs a serious chat with her useless shit husband. That’s what you should tell her.

I'd advise her to talk to him about how she's feeling in general and what she needs from him

If it was your brother she was married to then yes I'd send him one message saying oi, sort out that lunch asap you idiot.

But as it's your bil I'd stay out of it.

Tell her to post on mumsnet and we'll offer her some words of wisdom if she likes. Rather than you airing her laundry without her knowing.

This is between them. Kindly, I would stay out if it if I were you.

They need to sort this out without your input.

You need to change the subject if either tries to bring it up again

What is your SIL asking you to actually do when you day she wants you to ‘back her up’? She is being deeply U to try to get people outside her marriage involved in this. YABU for getting too involved.

This!

I'd keep out of it/change the subject.

Never good when someone tries to get other family members involved and expect them to take sides in day to day whinging.

If she feels unappreciated year round she needs to speak to her dh about it, stop organising things if she doesn't want to and not put all her focus into one 24hrs slot. Not something you should get involved in.

It's between them and nothing to do with you. Stay out of it and let them sort it out between themselves!

I think she just wants to feel like someone’s on her side.

I am letting them deal with it. It’s only my business in that I am hearing about it, and it’s got me thinking how I feel about it.

Just to clarify, I’m not going to DO anything about it. I know it’s not my place.

The AIBU question is whether she’s being unreasonable or he is. Not whether I should get involved (beyond a sympathetic ear)

But what people are saying is that this isn’t a question you should be asking. You don’t need to decide.

I can have a private opinion though and ask others theirs. It’s sparked conversation and mixed feelings among my family, so I was interested in other viewpoints.

I do think SOMEBODY should be having a quiet word with him about this, even if it is indicative of his behaviour in their relationship as a whole, just a "come on Bert don't be a d*ck" - someone closer than the OP who he will listen to preferably.

I agree

I really hope she does fuck all for him on Father’s Day and on his birthday and Christmas. Tell her this, OP.

I bet the lazy twat H will be moaning then at the lack of effort and it will 100% serve him right.

It’s fine to get opinions, OP. That is what an anonymous forum is for!

If its not actually about mothers day then

I'd recommend that she checks out some feminist assertiveness resources.

www.zawn.net/ could be a good starting place.

I'd tell her to overlook Fathers Day if it's only a day to her DH.

@Thementalloadisreal

Sadly it seems your SIL needs to lower her expectations as far as her husband is concerned, but also take a good look at what she does for her husband and lowers her services for him too as well as, wherever possible if not already being done, taking more time out just for herself, whilst he takes on some of the responsibilities with home and children she already manages. Just ensure you (directly or through your husband) don't get lumbered instead...

I get that Mothers' Day is increasingly a commercial day but him being a little thoughtful and sensitive, given she does most of the heavy lifting in the family, would have gone a long way with her. Instead he's taken her for granted, hopes her unhappiness will just go away and normal service will be renewed. 🌹

Why should she get over it? He can pull his finger out and organise something, that’s how she gets over it. I’d be clear about that with everyone in the family too. ‘Seems obvious to me, he doesnt want to get off his arse and organise something for his wife, so imagine that she’s not impressed. I presume he’ll end up single eventually and while she gets to that point family days she organises won’t include him. I wonder if he’ll ever step up’
then I’d support her to book family days which he isn’t invited on.

It's besides the point whether some posters think Mothers day has been over commercialised. The SIL doesn't think that and wanted a bit of effort on that day.

I'm not overly worried about celebrating that day, but was touched that DS were thoughtful.

Meh - Mother's Day is a really pointless waste of money and another excuse to exchange landfill. Mother's Day lunches are also a pile of forced bollocks. So I can understand the BIL point of view.

I think bigger issues are at play. They should resolve those and worry less about the optics of not going overboard as an empty gesture.