Am I an ungrateful brat?

[2021x]

This is not something I am proud of, and I am aware that I am going to come off as spoiled and entitled, but here goes.

I have a big birthday coming up- the type where you question all your life decisions. I live alone in a different country which I am pretty isolated in, and will be spending my birthday alone, so am already a little emotional about it.

My mum said she wanted to buy me something special. I am not big on gifts and normally she just sends me a big bunch of flowers which I love, but this was important for her. I have been burnt many times by her gift giving and then she gets upset when I don't like what she gives i.e. clothes, chocolate etc. We have very different tastes and to avoid situations like below I am very explicit about what I want. However its important to her to surprise people as that part of the reason she likes to give gifts.

I suggested a high value item from a specific manufacturer. These are extremely expensive new but are such good quality it is considered an investment, so was very happy to go second-hand. She agreed and we saw some items in a retailer, but when I looked up this retailer there are some buyer beware reviews about the quality and the price and I discussed it with her in Janurary.

I found an official re-seller approved by the manufacturer and have been looking online. I found some items that I really liked and sent them on. After chekcing them everyday there was one particular item which I still really liked, and sent a message saying this is what I would like for my birthday. A few days later it comes off of the website.

This morning I get an email from the first retailer telling me that they will send me the gift my mother has bought me........and predictably I hate it. Its is not my style and I would never wear it, was nearly double the price of the one I selected and because of the reviews I don't trust the retailer. She has bought it because at the very beginning I said it would be cool to have something manufactured in the year I was born- but I after looking at the options that was thrown out the window pretty quickly.

I was in floods of tears for 2 hours just through sheer repeated frustration of not being heard. After I pulled myself together, I realise my options are to just not say anything and feel like shit about the present and what it represents, to not say anything and buy me what I wanted anyway, or to say something before it is shipped and run the risk of being labelled ungrateful, spoiled etc. Also because the retailer is a bit dodgy there is the risk that she might not be able to get her money back i.e. exchanges only but as I don't trust the manufacturer there is nothing that I would prefer from them.

My parents are not hard up by any means, but as it was such a lot of money I chose the hard option and messaged her saying I was grateful for the effort but its not my style is there anyway we could get a refund. I also emailed messaged the retailer and asked them to hold off sending it. I am in a different time zone so she won't see the message until later.

So AIBU for telling the truth and causing her pain or should I have put-up and shut-up and be grateful that I got something similar to what I asked for.

I'm so sorry this has brought up lots of long-held emotions, OP.

I think you were hoping that this particular big birthday gift would help heal a lot of hurt you've had throughout your life.

It's quite understandable how this big disappointment upset you so much. As and a PP said, you expressed your sadness in private and let some of the hurt out.

I bet you feel quite exhausted now.

You write so eloquently. You sound like a very self aware and compassionate person.

I hope this might be turning point for you, and you begin to heal in a way you hadn't expected, but could be even more valuable to you.

Happy, happy big birthday to you. I bet this year could bring the mindset change you were looking for. 💕💕💕💕

I think you did the right thing, hopefully your mum will get the right thing

Instead of your mum spending a lot on a gift why don’t you suggest she contributes the money towards a joint holiday together

You have done the right thing. Let your mum tantrum about it if she likes. She failed to listen to you. The gift is unwanted and a waste.

Is it a good life though?
You've just told us that you're going to be alone for your birthday and that you have noone to talk to about this.

A good life means a life with connections. We neglect this far too much these days which I am sure is why we have so many people with depression and mental health issues.

Thanks for the advice but in my original OP I said that I was more than happy with flowers, and my mum said she wanted to buy me something special. The gift is more important to her than it is to me, and if I don't use it or wear it she gets upset.

So knowing that she will get it wrong I put alot of effort in and spent time reseaching for that to be ignored and for me to end up with something that I don't like. Its lose-lose for me.

I would love to put more effort into the relationship but she doesn't listen to me, so I give up. So I love her, just from afar. And now rather than my birthday being about celebrating me, its about her being hurt.

Maybe not good, but better than it was before. I suicidally lonely when I was surrounded by people that loved me. So I left and I am not suicidal any more. I am not even depressed or anxious any more. I am isolated and I acknowldge that.

Thank you.. this is very kind of you to say and this message has set me off in tears again. I know it will be OK in the end, I just hate that I hurt my mum.

It has helped me alot to read through all of the responses, but I do think I did the right thing in telling her considering the cost and the effort.

I am going to leave now. Thank you again.

I think the learning here is to not waste your time raising your expectations by investing time choosing, only for it to be overruled. This sets you up for failure. I feel your pain, as I said earlier, my mum is exactly the same. She'll ask me what I want, I'll tell her, and she'll say "I can't get you that!" presumably because she deems it unworthy of a birthday for some reason. So I end up in the same place as you with her insisting on buying something that she thinks I would like without any thought of the person I am and what I might actually like.

The parent / child relationship is often complex, so you need to find a way to disconnect from it., as it is unlikely to ever change. Don't offer any suggestions, and accept whatever you are given with grace even if it sits in a drawer for the rest of its life, or goes to a boot sale. It will be far less stressful and frustrating.

There are many on here, myself included, who no longer have one or both parents, and would dearly love them back with or without shit presents. Take a deep breath, and move on.

Oh OP - I see you. I think it’s hard for people with different life experiences to grasp that, in a world of material plenty, it’s the fact that she has positioned her need to be viewed as the ‘generous and thoughtful gift giver’ over really hearing what you want or need from her.

The angst you feel is not because ‘she’s got it wrong’ but because you are investing so much or energy in anticipating her feelings about your performed approach to her gift. Which, especially if it taps in to a long history of having to do-gratitude-right for gifts rather than emotional closeness or quality time, must feel horrible.

I know that as I have approached milestone birthdays I have looked for / hoped for meaningful connection / restoration and felt a renewed sense of loss when it hasn’t materialised.

is there any way you could, lovingly, express to your mum that you love her + want to be closer + don’t want the performance around ‘big gift’ instead of feeling loved?

Sending you huge love. You’re not being a brat. Trying to workout and heal relationships with our mothers in adulthood is really really hard.

I don't think you sound like a brat at all. I think you've worked hard to try and please your mum within the boundaries she set for you and all your effort went to waste as she ignored you. That's hurtful and frustrating and your reaction is totally understandable.

I don't think "ungrateful brat" is the right choice of words.
However, I think you haven't had many problems in life, OP.
Not intended to sound bitter.
🙄

@2021x -I am sorry that you aren't happy with the proposed present - but honestly, yes, YABVU. It sucks that your Mother has form for not buying things you like, but it is very rude, really, to tell her you don't like it.

I get that you don't want her wasting her money but as you know she does this you should simply say thank you and be kind. You seem to have kept changing your mind too - so she probably had already gone and got you something.

My Mother almost never liked things she got as presents. She used to tell us ( as children)' that she didn't like something - on Christmas night, after she had said thank you during the day and to please not 'waste your money). She didn't get any better as she got older. By the time she died, it was practically impossible to get her anything she did like. It was very hurtful, but you just need to accept that is the way it and suck it up.

In case you’re still reading, can you seek therapy op. The whole thing is very dramatic and does show how vulnerable you are at the moment, and it’s often best to seek help when In that position.

I feel sorry for your mum she gave you an explanation and you threw it back in her face. A lot of parents would tell their adult brats to FOff. You don't know what you've got when will you forgive her and live your life?

This.
I think you are more upset that she just doesn't listen to you and because you are in a different country you feel a bit isolated.
You were right to be honest about it, but having told her don't blame her. If she can't get a refund, then resell the item yourself and put the money towards what you do want.
But You know what she's like.
You gave her too many different options and she thought that all of them were acceptable to you on some level so tried to pick one, but you should have picked one. And just said. A contribution towards this.
Dont get too upset with her over this. Just do it differently.

Why not do the legwork on your own and send a link to the exact item. agree if it's too expensive, then a contribution towards it will do. We realised a long time ago that we don't have the same tastes and this way seems to keep everyone happy.

Also, plan something nice for your birthday. Maybe a weekend break? or a shopping trip, and some kind of outing. Could you have a short trip home?
I hope you patch it up with your mum.

Sorry. I'vejust seen your update with your Mum's response. She hasn't taken your honesty well.
I think it was better to be honest, but her reaction to that wasn't great. Sorry you are feeling so upset. But at least you tried to discuss it with her.
I hope you manage to have a nice time on the day.

You can't change your family they are who they are you can change how you feel about them. When I learned to forgive I started to let go. My family lost me but I still kept in contact. Maybe you should go no contact for a while until you work out your feelings. They don't deserve your energy.

some items that I really liked and sent them on. After chekcing them everyday there was one particular item which I still really liked, and sent a message saying this is what I would like for my birthday. A few days later it comes off of the website.

Had she already bought the gift at this point from another retailer?

It's not bratty to wish you and your mum were closer, and that she could respond on your wavelength. The gift's just a symbol of that isn't it.

My mother has been dead for years, but I do remember the gifting wars. She would ask what I wanted (say a new bag) when I was a hard-up student, and then deliberately buy me a very different one and expect lavish gratitude. It was, in her case anyway, a power thing: forcing me to use something she had decided on. My MIL was entirely the opposite: her presents were always lovely.

I feel like those people calling OP childish or whatever are those that spend hours searching for the perfect gift that they want to give, completely ignoring what the recipient has actually said they would like. Then they are either blissfully unaware their carefully chosen gift is left in a cupboard or re-gifted, or get upset when they are told that actually, the reason they asked for <insert specific item here> is because of <insert reason here>.

@2021x YANBU for being upset that you can seemingly have an in-depth conversation with your own mother, about your own birthday, and she'll still disregard what you have to say and go with whatever she wants to get you. I get why you keep trying, and especially why you tried for this special birthday. Personally when the gift arrives I would sell it on immediately and then buy what you want. Or take that trip.