Am I an ungrateful brat?

[2021x]

This is not something I am proud of, and I am aware that I am going to come off as spoiled and entitled, but here goes.

I have a big birthday coming up- the type where you question all your life decisions. I live alone in a different country which I am pretty isolated in, and will be spending my birthday alone, so am already a little emotional about it.

My mum said she wanted to buy me something special. I am not big on gifts and normally she just sends me a big bunch of flowers which I love, but this was important for her. I have been burnt many times by her gift giving and then she gets upset when I don't like what she gives i.e. clothes, chocolate etc. We have very different tastes and to avoid situations like below I am very explicit about what I want. However its important to her to surprise people as that part of the reason she likes to give gifts.

I suggested a high value item from a specific manufacturer. These are extremely expensive new but are such good quality it is considered an investment, so was very happy to go second-hand. She agreed and we saw some items in a retailer, but when I looked up this retailer there are some buyer beware reviews about the quality and the price and I discussed it with her in Janurary.

I found an official re-seller approved by the manufacturer and have been looking online. I found some items that I really liked and sent them on. After chekcing them everyday there was one particular item which I still really liked, and sent a message saying this is what I would like for my birthday. A few days later it comes off of the website.

This morning I get an email from the first retailer telling me that they will send me the gift my mother has bought me........and predictably I hate it. Its is not my style and I would never wear it, was nearly double the price of the one I selected and because of the reviews I don't trust the retailer. She has bought it because at the very beginning I said it would be cool to have something manufactured in the year I was born- but I after looking at the options that was thrown out the window pretty quickly.

I was in floods of tears for 2 hours just through sheer repeated frustration of not being heard. After I pulled myself together, I realise my options are to just not say anything and feel like shit about the present and what it represents, to not say anything and buy me what I wanted anyway, or to say something before it is shipped and run the risk of being labelled ungrateful, spoiled etc. Also because the retailer is a bit dodgy there is the risk that she might not be able to get her money back i.e. exchanges only but as I don't trust the manufacturer there is nothing that I would prefer from them.

My parents are not hard up by any means, but as it was such a lot of money I chose the hard option and messaged her saying I was grateful for the effort but its not my style is there anyway we could get a refund. I also emailed messaged the retailer and asked them to hold off sending it. I am in a different time zone so she won't see the message until later.

So AIBU for telling the truth and causing her pain or should I have put-up and shut-up and be grateful that I got something similar to what I asked for.

I think as adults it's important to take responsibility for our own happiness so if you know you don't get the gifts you ask for then you buy your own. I always buy myself a birthday present. It's lovely to treat yourself and anything else you get is a bonus.

OP, I know you aren’t suggesting your DM deliberately chose a gift you wouldn’t like but it seems you are disregarding the effort she has gone to, to please you on your special birthday. I can only imagine her devastation at being told her hopes for making you happy with this gift, missed the mark so badly. So that’s very sad. She did listen to you when you talked about what you wanted but it seems in her enthusiasm, she ordered too early before you finally made up your mind.

It’s clear that you are not in a good place at the moment, isolated, alone and emotional, so it’s understandable if you placed a lot of emphasis on researching and receiving this high value item you wanted.

I think, if it’s at all possible, that improving your own situation and feelings of well-being might shift this awful feeling of not being heard so that you can appreciate the positives and have a more balanced reaction to this birthday disappointment you have had.

I hope things improve for you soon OP.
Can you plan a trip back home to see your mum as I’m sure she will be thinking of you.

It's best not to get gifts like this. Gifts should just be small things if meaning imo

Is your ‘big birthday’ turning 12 because that’s the only reason to be in floods of tears for two hours over a present.

“Causing her pain”…..

Is your mum as dramatic as you?

No one should be “in floods of tears for 2 hours” because they don’t get the gift they wanted. I understand your frustration but doesn’t sound like you was clear, you were back and forth with ideas. Just try get a refund

Good god!
I don't know how old you are but you need to grow up and fast.
Indulged, indulgent and self absorbed. Sorry.

Hi All

Thanks for the responses. I have been upset the whole day and yes it is about more than just this gift. My mum didn't have a lot of time to spend with me as a child for a lot of reasons which is why she doesn't know me very well, and overcompensates with the gift giving, which ironically always makes me feel worse., and yes I did try and explain it to her.

The thing that I am most upset with is the choice between having an expensive gift that makes me feel like shit or hurting my mother. I should have just gone to Disneyland like I orginally planned.

She responded to my message, and was predictably awful, she told me I was ungrateful to reject her gift after all the effort she put in, and that the item I had selected was sold when she went to purchase it.

I just didn't have the energy to reply anything other that "thats unfair".

I feel sorry for your mother. In a way you are both caught in the same trap - substituting money and gifts for time understanding and love.

It’s not about the gift, it’s about the relationship.

The tears and heartbreak are for the relationship that you want with your mum but time and time again she shows you that she can’t be who you need her to be. She won’t change so it’s you who needs to stop letting her make you feel like this which is easier said than done.

It's what the gift represents, isn't it? It represents your mother ignoring you, not listening to you, not thinking your wishes are important. That's all pretty big stuff.

No matter how old we get, we want our parents to love us, know us, listen to us and respect us.

💐

This is actually incorrect. I didn't chop and change my ideas I chose something I wanted and sent a message saying this is what I would like for my birthday.

I only rejected it because it is a lot of money, and would therefore be a waste and a source of future tension. As I said in my OP this is far from the first time it has happened and even though I went to the effort of finding something I wanted it was ignored and hit a (very) sore spot for me.

Agree.

There's nothing wrong with trying to send it back and get a refund. The fact she went against your instructions and potentially got ripped off in the process. Yeah, I'd be pissed off.
In my case it would be over an item costing under £100 as that's mine and mums budget. But it's the same principle.
Make sure you don't sound too annoyed though. But talk to her about the importance of being careful buying online, getting the right item at the right price. And you love how generous she is but in future she must please listen.
I only think you sound spoilt as we are assuming it's thousands of pounds. The bursting into tears for hours was probably due to frustration at not being heard by your mum over and over.

This. Its nothing to do with the birthday and a lifetime of not being heard.

One of the final straws for my marriage was when I got upset over my birthday. My ex said I was being ridiculous. But it was the final straw after 20 years of having my needs/wants/voice ignored.

Pretty much, I would have been very happy with the bunch of flowers I get every year. They make me feel very loved when I get them.

I am not angry at my mum or blaming her, its just a shit situation where noone gets what they want.

@2021x
you really need to properly read some of the responses you have been given. There is lots of really good advice and understanding which you are ignoring from your ongoing posts of ‘poor unheard you’. You need to change the dynamic between you and your mum. It’s a gift. Not a big deal. Learn to say thank you and move on. Buy yourself whatever you want. Don’t ask for expensive things because chances are it won’t be exactly what you want. Why you wouldn’t just accept chocolates and clothes that aren’t to your taste and just say thank you is beyond me. We have all done it. But it’s a gift. You don’t criticise people that are gifting you something which is what refusing a gift or returning the gift (via them) looks like. I was brought up knowing that. I’ve brought my children up to know that. You’ve lost nothing. Work on a better relationship with your mother. But you actually need to actively do that.

I have relatives who used to regularly say things like ‘it’s better you know,’ or ‘I didn’t want to say it behind your back’ or I think it’s better I tell you to your face’. But IMO (I know others think differently), I’d actually rather you didn’t tell me. I told them that one day- I said ‘next time you think that, remember that I actually don’t mind if you rant about me, we all do it! Do go get it off your chest, but I’m fine not knowing.’ Your mother gets excited over presents, fake being happy and it may make you happier to see her reaction (from someone who yearly faked happiness at Christmas relative who shopped in every local market and then this year struck gold when he got me the most beautiful gift- even if he hadn’t he bothers to make an effort, that’s all that matters!)

On a more pressing issue, op you might think of moving home if you’re this unhappy x hugs x

Some people are just rubbish at choosing gifts. I think you have to accept this in the same spirit that you accept the person's other imperfections, rather than taking it personally.

None of this is about a present.
This is about the fact that you are about to turn....30? 40? 50? And are unhappy in the life that you have chosen.

You have chosen to live in a country where you don't have family or friends. That choice is not your mother's fault.

When things aren't going well as an adult it is sometimes easier to think " this is happening because I wasn't loved enough as a child or this is happening because of something someone else did"

If you were surrounded by people you love and enjoying life, then the gift you received from your mum wouldn't matter.

Perhaps the best gift you can give yourself is to reevaluate your life and make some decisions about how to improve things and make life better for yourself.

YANBU. This is why I have refused all presents for more than 20 years.

Seeing someone spend money on something I don't want and would never wear/use is horrible. It creates a load of guilt for me and resentment about having to pretend I want something I don't want to fulfill a social contract.

I get why you were so upset OP.

My mum's buys utter shit for my birthday, literally just like an old flowerpot or bath salts I don't want or need, she's not hard up, just thoughtless. I just thank her put it into charity. I sent her an old bag (she really wanted this vintage one) for mother's day. I doubt she'll get the irony.
Yeah we don't particularly get on... another story.
However my message is, I'd be thrilled if my mother even considered a gift, the thought is nice. I also get your frustration.
I think some posters are suggesting that 2 hours of crying was just about this. I'm suspecting that your mother probably doesn't hear you & this is just another example.
That said, I'd let it go or get an exchange

“Floods of tears for hours” ffs get a grip.
it’s frustrating at best 🙄

Thanks for listening. I am very vulnerable right now and I am posting this on MN because I have noone else I can talk to about this.

I know I will be OK when my birthday is over but now I just want to fade away a little until I feel a bit stronger.

Meadowfinch the OP didn’t mention jewellery

I did evaluate my life and realised that nothing was going to change, so I moved and built a life for myself that I am proud of. For the most part I am fine and it was a good decision for me, however at times like this it opens up old wounds. I have worked very hard to be able to manage most things, and beleive me no-one is more disappointed than me that I can't handle this situation well.