Am I an ungrateful brat?

[2021x]

This is not something I am proud of, and I am aware that I am going to come off as spoiled and entitled, but here goes.

I have a big birthday coming up- the type where you question all your life decisions. I live alone in a different country which I am pretty isolated in, and will be spending my birthday alone, so am already a little emotional about it.

My mum said she wanted to buy me something special. I am not big on gifts and normally she just sends me a big bunch of flowers which I love, but this was important for her. I have been burnt many times by her gift giving and then she gets upset when I don't like what she gives i.e. clothes, chocolate etc. We have very different tastes and to avoid situations like below I am very explicit about what I want. However its important to her to surprise people as that part of the reason she likes to give gifts.

I suggested a high value item from a specific manufacturer. These are extremely expensive new but are such good quality it is considered an investment, so was very happy to go second-hand. She agreed and we saw some items in a retailer, but when I looked up this retailer there are some buyer beware reviews about the quality and the price and I discussed it with her in Janurary.

I found an official re-seller approved by the manufacturer and have been looking online. I found some items that I really liked and sent them on. After chekcing them everyday there was one particular item which I still really liked, and sent a message saying this is what I would like for my birthday. A few days later it comes off of the website.

This morning I get an email from the first retailer telling me that they will send me the gift my mother has bought me........and predictably I hate it. Its is not my style and I would never wear it, was nearly double the price of the one I selected and because of the reviews I don't trust the retailer. She has bought it because at the very beginning I said it would be cool to have something manufactured in the year I was born- but I after looking at the options that was thrown out the window pretty quickly.

I was in floods of tears for 2 hours just through sheer repeated frustration of not being heard. After I pulled myself together, I realise my options are to just not say anything and feel like shit about the present and what it represents, to not say anything and buy me what I wanted anyway, or to say something before it is shipped and run the risk of being labelled ungrateful, spoiled etc. Also because the retailer is a bit dodgy there is the risk that she might not be able to get her money back i.e. exchanges only but as I don't trust the manufacturer there is nothing that I would prefer from them.

My parents are not hard up by any means, but as it was such a lot of money I chose the hard option and messaged her saying I was grateful for the effort but its not my style is there anyway we could get a refund. I also emailed messaged the retailer and asked them to hold off sending it. I am in a different time zone so she won't see the message until later.

So AIBU for telling the truth and causing her pain or should I have put-up and shut-up and be grateful that I got something similar to what I asked for.

I disagree with everyone saying you shouldn’t have had such an adverse reaction.

I completely understand why you feel that way.

I had a similar experience on a big birthday and I was devastated. Had to smile and be grateful as it was in-person. Held myself together for two days and then cried my eyes out once they’d left. It’s not about the gift itself. It’s about not being heard. The other person making it more about them (thinking it’s more important that they ‘choose’ than actually listening to what you say, despite the fact they pushed you to give them an idea in the first place). That at the heart of it she doesn’t know you well enough to make the right choice. And then you feel guilty for feeling this way, which makes it all worse.

You already feel lonely and this just compounds it.

I think you did the right thing by saying something. If it had been a complete surprise it might be different. But you were choosing together and she got it wrong. She wants you to have something special from her for this birthday so hopefully she’ll see the sense in sorting it out.

I couldn’t say anything as mine was somewhat ‘homemade’, irreversible, and had overstepped several personal boundaries (involved several of my existing possessions), so it would have become a huge upsetting fallout. So instead I chose to bury the feelings 😂

she gets upset when I don't like what she gives i.e. clothes, chocolate etc

why would she even know that you don't like these things? Surely for low value items like this you'd just accept it and say thank you?

It’s not normal to be in a flood of tears for two hours about this. Just try and get a refund, it’s not a big deal.

So my mother does similar on a small scale (we don’t do gifts in our family). She’ll be going to the shop and ask if I want anything. I’ll say, another bag of Doritos for the DC please as we’re running low. She’ll come back with organic blue corn tortilla chips - because in her mind that is an upgrade, and shows she wants to surprise and delight me with something special. But it’s wasted because DC won’t eat them.

It’s a pain the in arse, but it comes from a good place (and also from a lot of desperate insecurity, because she seems to think a good mother should magically intuit exactly what her daughter needs or wants without having to ask. Which is bollocks.)

OP, I can see how it might have been confusing for your mother to be sent lots of links and have this whole huge ongoing conversation about the present, particularly if she gets anxious about presents to begin with, and has been pulled up before for getting it ‘wrong’.

Telling your mother what you want means telling her clearly - making the decision yourself and telling her your final choice, not leaving room for any guesswork. Not giving her the feeling that you need her to prove how well she knows you by picking the right item among a whole bunch you’ve shown her, in time for a landmark ‘questioning your life decisions’ birthday. This is a fuck of a lot of pressure. How is that not going to feel like a test? Which she’s now failed?

And now the dynamic repeats - again your mother has come up short and you’re crying for hours and interpreting this to mean that she does z my care and doesn’t know you, etc.

Take this big birthday as a moment to reflect on what you can do to make this relationship feel better for you. It may be not asking these huge symbolic things of her when you know she struggles with it. It may be recognising that you also struggle to know exactly what you want (because if you did, you’d wait until you were sure to ask for that precise thing).

I hope you can work this out.

I expect the floods of tears are less to do with the present itself and more to do with the fact that OP once again feels completely ignored by her mother.

This is the perfect response.

My Mum wasn't great at gift giving a lot of the time, but I appreciated the effort (and for all I know she felt the same about my gifts).

She completely forgot my 60th birthday due to mild dementia. She would have remembered if she had seen me on the day, but I was working so didn't have time to visit her. I didn't spend two seconds "in floods of tears", never mind two hours.

But she’s not been completely ignored by her mother! Her mother was sent multiple links to different things and was expected to follow along with OP’s shifting thoughts about the integrity of various sellers and particular items, etc. Her mother paid much more attention than most of us with busy lives would have time for, but pulled the trigger too soon, possibly out of anxiety.

Was OP expecting her mother to surprise her with an item that was exactly right, having given her a range of suggestions? Because fuck me that is a tall order for a big ticket item. That is too much to put on someone. You send them the link to the exact thing you want - you don’t make it some awful psychological guessing game where they have to prove how intimately they know your style.

My mum used to buy me presents I didn't want. It wasn't about me, she just liked shopping! I used to drop off the presents at the charity shop, literally on the way home from her house. Everyone won - she did her beloved shopping, I donated to a charity that benefited and I wasn't burdened with crap I didn't want to look at!

Sorry but yes, you do sound like an ungrateful brat. If you don’t like a gift then you should still say thank you and either discreetly sell it on or put it away, you don’t have to use it. You’re an adult, if you want a big expensive item of your choosing buy it yourself!

You were in floods of tears for two hours about this???

Ah well in my family a gift,present whatever it may be is always gratefully accepted because it comes from love. I can ever imagine pulling a gift to bits or my sister brings doing it just because it's not what we want but hey we were brought up different

YANBU it's about so much more than this one gift, the years of not being listened to.

You thoroughly researched fell in love with the one you wanted and then got something you find ugly and don't want.

I don’t know why you don’t just ask for money, because it sounds like any original thought your mother put into it would be unwelcome. I cannot imagine as an adult sitting in tears for two hours because I wasn’t happy with a birthday present. Yes, spoilt, ungrateful and childish all come to mind.

You are being dramatic, 2 hours of tears really?

Honestly you’re to blame here.

You’ve had ongoing conversations since January and sent numerous links to your mum along with streams of consciousness about the items, the retailers, etc.

Do you do this often?

Next time, choose something and send her one link - “thanks mum, this is the exact item I’d like.

I have a big birthday coming up- the type where you question all your life decisions. I live alone in a different country which I am pretty isolated in, and will be spending my birthday alone, so am already a little emotional about it

People criticising her crying for 2 hours seem to have forgotten this paragraph.

The present might because a trigger but there's more going on emotionally

Everyone criticising the tears are missing the point I feel. The tears are the hurt of not being heard AGAIN rather than disappointment in the gift. The mother has steamed ahead and chosen something OP had already said wasn't suitable. I hear you OP.

You both sound like you have problems with needing to control outcomes.

Why not just say thanks and move on?

But it’s not her mother’s fault that she’s lonely and living in another country while she evaluates her life decisions.

It’s not fair to her mother to rope her into months of angst over this madly symbolic present and then focus all the pain of her loneliness on her mother’s failure to get her exactly the right thing.

No not missed the point. She has been sending her mother various links to different items, different retailers, chopping and changing her mind over the the relative integrity of the sellers. Her mother has done her best and has bought the wanted item, just the wrong version of it and frankly nobody was ever going to choose the right version of it other than the OP herself.

And an adult crying for two hours over a birthday present is childish and bratty. Even if the mother had done something completely different, most grown up would just roll their eyes and their buy their own necklace or handbag or whatever if they want it that badly.

She wasn't, she wasn't on the phone crying for 2 hours.

The gift is a separate issue.

You've never had a more emotional reaction to something than you otherwise would have done because of other stuff going on in your life?

Hi. Happy (Soon to be) Birthday.
As many have said, your level of upset doesn’t really match what has happened. There seems to be historic hurt with your mum and maybe your current isolation ,loneliness is playing a part.
Your mum is making considerable misguided effort for you and may in turn feel hurt at your rejection of her gifts. Please don’t be too hard on her, I am also a bewildered mum who just gets stuff wrong for my daughter all the time.
You have had some ‘spoiled brat ‘ responses. I don’t think this is the case at all. You have simply used a financial example to illustrate how your relationship with your mum frustrates you. If you have had a background where your parents don’t show their love by hugs and kisses, but by buying you things, this is understandable. I would speak to your mum. All the best.

My mum kind of did this, she wanted to get me a special gift and my DH gave her some ideas. However she didn't approve of them so went and bought what she wanted to. Fair enough. But now it's just chucked in a cupboard, waste of her money, and I hate that. I would rather she spent the money on herself.
However, I find it frustrating rather than upsetting. It seems that this Birthday is quite an emotional time for OP, and that's what is behind the tears. So no, OP, I don't think you're being a brat. Give yourself some tlc and buy yourself a fabulous gift

@Annielou67 @MrsGaryKemp 👏

I don’t have an issue with her crying - I get that. It is absolutely hard to be lonely and isolated.

But I also get a sense that OP might be hitching this emotional wagon to her mother, and has put a lot of the pressure of her difficult situation on to this big birthday present that should mean something profound, or redeem something painful, and that her mother needs to get it right or everything really is as bleak and hopeless as it feels. This is too much.

It might be helpful for her, and for their relationship, to look at these things separately. Though I get that is hard in the moment.

I can just imagine how my own mother would feel, after months of build-up and conversation about this oresent, to be told that once again she’s fucked up and needs to return it and do better. The OP won’t say it this way, but this is how I imagine it will land.