To ask if you would send your child to nursery as a SAHM?

[nurseryornot]

I just don’t know what the right decision is. I am a SAHM to a 2 and a half year old. We don’t need childcare as I am happy being a SAHM and we go to toddler classes and stay and plays every week day (1-2 classes a day) so he has daily interaction with other children throughout the week.

He has a speech delay (he has about 20 words with 3 of them being 2 words together) and is awaiting an appointment with paediatrics to see if they want to refer him for an autism diagnosis (I have autism so it is likely). The speech therapist we last saw said there were red flags with his speech but from the way he was interacting with her she is confident that he will progress with his speech and she wants to see him again when he is 3. She also said it would be good to get him on a waiting list for nursery as being around other children would likely help him to develop his speech.

I have spoken to staff at the children’s centre and whilst they have said they can’t make me send him to nursery they seem to really recommend it. I think they (as well as my partner) think it would be good for me to get used to being away from him before he starts school and to be okay on my own before he starts school as well as the fact that he would enjoy it. I just feel like it would be wrong as I don’t need to leave him as I am here and have no reason that I can’t look after him full time. But at the same time I do agree that school will be a big shock and I will probably be more upset than him when he goes. I just think it will feel like I am abandoning him/getting rid of him for no reason.

On the subject of school, he is a summer born child (August) and is therefore due to start school when he has just turned 4. I 100% do not agree with this and will be applying for him to start school when he is 5 at the compulsory school age. Life is literally school then work and it takes up so much of your life that I 100% believe that every child should have the freedom to just be a child and play until they are 5 years old and not start their reception year until they are 5.
Because of this, I think I would feel really mean putting him into nursery when he turns 3 as that is another year that he could have with just me and his toddler groups. I was thinking about putting him in 1-2 mornings or afternoons a week from when he is 4 but it feels like there is pressure to put him in as soon as we get free hours at 3 years old… I could maybe do 3 and a half. I don’t know. It just all feels so quick and too soon.

His gymnastics classes don’t let parents come in with the children once they turn 3 so he will be getting that experience of independence at 3 years old either way but I will be right there if anything does happen. I don’t think it will as he is very confident and independent and he has been going to the parent and child classes since he was a baby and knows the teachers well. I am also looking at signing him up to Squirrels when he turns 4 so it’s not as if I’m not considering activities that don’t involve me.

I don’t think it helps that I have worked and had placements in nurseries where I have seen a baby be thrown onto their sleep mat, a child be forced to stand in the playground crying until they were allowed to go back inside, children being shouted at, nappies not being changed as staff don’t want to do it ect.
The fact that he can’t talk and wouldn’t be able to tell me if anything bad happens is a really big concern as well. He also has a really high pain tolerance/doesn’t know when he is hurt so that is a concern too as he could get hurt without anyone knowing (he can fall/bang his head ect. and just get up and continue doing whatever he was doing).

It’s so hard as depending on how his speech progresses and how the pain thing develops I will obviously have the same concerns at school but I know that he has to go to school and we will hopefully know if he has autism by then and may get a 1 to 1 if he needs one.

If it was just about what he would enjoy then I have no doubt that he would love the freedom to run around and play with lots of new things and people. But I don’t know how he would react if he got upset ect. as he currently breastfeeds for comfort and then goes back to what he was doing before.

What would you do in my position??

Hi @nurseryornot I sent my 2 dc to nursery at the term after their 3rd birthday because it helps them to socialize and it was part of the primary school they were going to be going to

I was a SAHM. My daughter went to morning nursery twice a week at nearly 3, and then four mornings when she was 4 for two terms before she started school. It gave her the opportunity to have a world that was outside mine (if that makes sense) and to learn to be sociable when I wasn't around to remind her. It prepared her for knowing that other adults are in charge when she is at school and that there are rules to follow. She is an only child, so it also acclimatised her to not being the only child in the room (if that makes sense).

Yes. It’s very important for their social development. We started 5 days as of the day after the 3rd bday. To be fair with all illnesses maybe went 6months during the first year

I would definitely put him in nursery for his and your sakes.

What I’m getting from your post, and I don’t mean this unkindly, is that you are quite the over thinker. Lots and lots of info there, and you sound very worried about things that are important, but not to this level.

He sounds lovely, and so do you, but a couple of mornings a week at nursery will probably help so much with his speech. It did DD’s - she was a slow talker, and within a month of nursery had 50+ words. It was amazing.

School starts - double check your LA doesn’t put children that have been held back a year directly into year one, because they he will lose that whole year of play based learning and that can be detrimental. 3 of DD’s friends are late August babies (7 now) and they haven’t had any trouble at school at all.

And as for 1-1s if he needs them - that is something that is incredibly hard to get sorted. So don’t rely on that if he has autism.

Not a SAHM but my son has a speech delay and nursery done him wonders.
My HV also recommended sending him soon as I could and it was the best decision I made, wish I done it sooner for him.
I had my worries about sending him, like you what would he do if he needed something and he obv couldn't say, how do they know how to cuddle him in correctly when upset but they did. They went above and beyond for him.
It helped him in so many areas.

He's now in reception and doing well but still concerns, I'm currently fighting for a 121/EHCP for him.

Another SAHM who’s DS went to preschool . Mine did 16 hours from 2 yrs 9mths - 4 half days . They loved it and made friends who they then went to school with . I had more quality time for them as I got all the chores done when they weren’t with me .

You are talking about your worries which is completely natural . There is a risk though that you will hold him back due to your own fears . As parents our job is to ready our children for adulthood . This is just the beginning of that .

I would put him in nursery 3 mornings or afternoons a week from age 3. Obviously choose a good nursery.

I wouldn't worry about getting ready for school especially as he's not going for 2 years. But I do think the socialisation is probably good for him and also the independence. It would be different if he was going to different family members regularly but I don't think it is good for him to be only with one person all the time. Plus if he has speech problems nurseries are experienced at dealing with these and can advise. It also sounds as though you would benefit from some independence too!

Send him. It would do him good. Currently chatting to a nursery to send my just turned two year old son to nursery for a session or two because he doesn't speak very much and I am a bit concerned about it.

Why is it mean to send him to nursery at three? Surely he needs to get used to you not being about. At about three they need to socialise even more with kids their age.

No I wouldn't. I was a SAHM for 10 years and see no benefit to nursery for your child that can't be achieved by rhyme time sessions at the library, playgroups and less screen time, (if you allow any at all)

Sorry just seen you mean preschool. Both of mine went to pre school 2 morning a week for 2 hours the term after they turned 3 in preparation for school.

Both mine did their 15hrs at preschool from 3yo.

I found that they had outgrown the toddler groups by then anyway. There was often only 0-2yos at them. (Structured classes like gymnastics would be different but they were expensive!)

Its not necessarily better, but it is a different experience for them.

My nephew had a speech delay and started the nursery based at his future school when he was three, just three mornings per week. His speech came on amazingly quickly after he started.

I sent both of mine to nursery (at 3 with my oldest, and at almost 4 with my youngest) even though I was at home (well with my oldest I was working temporarily when I first sent her but kept sending her after I stopped working). It was really good for their social development and for my youngest it really helped with his language.

There are benefits for children with speech delays in attending nursery.

Mine both went to a school nursery for 15 hours from 3.5. This was based on their birthdays and there not being spaces until September. They had a year there. I would recommend some nursery provision and ideally at least 3 half days a week as otherwise it is hard to settle. Also if he might need additional support in school (obviously too early to know yet), it is helpful to start the process in nursery. IMO you don't have to start him immediately at 3, although it is easier to get places in Sept. One of mine definitely benefitted from being slightly older before starting.

I would try try nursery as it is often beneficial for speech delay.
But if he found it too overwhelming I would withdraw him and wait until he was older.

Yes I would and did.

It was a nursery school, not a daycare nursery and it did wonders in getting DC ready for school and making sure they found school much easier. Also great for social skills. Plus both DC really enjoyed it and still have friends from there!

Also as regards starting school late - I would agree with deferring his school start by a year so he starts reception at age 5. I would not start him in Y1 at age 5 having skipped reception, if that is what you were considering - that would be a really tough start to school.

I was a SAHM but with bad postnatal depression. We sent our son at 18m for a day and a half a week. (This was 2014 so not as crazy prices as now)

gave me opportunities to volunteer and study in fields i wanted to that lead to dream jobs etc and knowing he was looked after and there were daily updates uploaded to “tapestry” (if they still use that) with activities and what they’ve done - they can also be really good sources of support in terms of any onward referrals that may potentially be needed.

Son is ASD (recent diagnosis) and was verrrrrry clingy and took him a while to settle at drop offs but he really flourished in a nursery placement and socialising and also the support the nursery offered was amazing.

I did, 5 days a week for half days, I had terrible PND.

There are some excellent nurseries out there as well. I’m not in the UK but DD’s Montessori (quasi montessori) nursery was amazing, kind staff, very supportive, would regularly have a chat at pick up about areas of concern, things to celebrate, progress etc. She left to go to her current schools pre-school but had already learned quite a bit of phonics and a few CVC words the year she turned 3. She also did so many fun activities (making volcanoes etc) learning how to chop etc. They provided a very enriching environment for her. Children were never left dirty, she started the year she was turning 2 and they were taught to set the table and encouraged to take responsibility for their personal hygiene.

I would visit some and then make a decision but I think my Dd really benefited from going but I think it very much depends on the quality of care.

I really would. It will really help his speech development, social skills, and to prepare him for school. Also, the setting will be able to help you with a different point of view on his behaviour and possible autism, and help with referals and give evidence. They will set him targets to support his development from a SEN perspective and should complete graduated response cycles to target areas he may need extra support in.

As a PP said, it's a tricky process to get a 1-1. if his needs are significant enough to require a 1-1, he would benefit a lot from being in a setting before school. To get a 1-1 will be really hard. Higher needs funding would be really helpful and if the preschool setting gets to know him they can eventually apply for that which will carry over to school. They can also do an EHCP. I think you'll be doing him a disservice if you don't send him somewhere, even if it's another year from now.

Good luck OP, you sound like a good mum and your boy sounds lovely. I really hope you manage to find a setting with a fab SENCo and a great school for your boy. Look around loads and don't settle until you're completely happy. Great settings are out there, I promise ❤️

If your son does turn out to be autistic and if he will need extra help in school, a good nursery and SENCO will be invaluable in getting the ball rolling with that in terms of applying for an EHCP etc. It’s a long process and there can be delays, so the earlier you get started the better (if necessary).

There’s no harm in him doing 2-3 mornings/afternoons a week. I was really worried about my non-verbal 3 year old starting nursery (was going back to work so no choice) but she’s settled well and her nursery have been brilliant at putting lots of support in place for her (she’s on the waitlist for an autism assessment).

I've sent my son to nursery two days a week since he was a year old. Originally because I was back at work those two days, but we kept him there when I left my job.

I absolutely think it's been fantastic for his development. There are so many skills he's learned from nursery before we ever thought to teach him at home. He loves going and gets to do all kinds of things that just aren't logical or practical for me to do at home. His speech has come on leaps and bounds since he started in the 2-3s class as well, with the slightly older children to model.

Oh the days he's home with me, we do playgroups and classes but I don't think they're a replacement for socialising with his peers knowing that mummy isn't there to solve problems for him or intervene. I can see when we do go to groups or the park, he has social skills that many other children we meet who don't attend nursery lack.

I'm not a SAHM but if a speech and language therapist was advising me to send DS to nursery then I would follow their professional advice.

I would try 3 mornings or 3 afternoons a week at a preschool or drop off playgroup rather than a day nursery to start off with. Preschools are normally term time, and usually 9-3ish in terms of hours, so he would still get plenty of holidays. Afternoon sessions are often shorter (something like 1-3 or 12.30-3). Go round all the local ones to you and visit them to get a good feel for them. The really good ones will let you transition him in over a couple of weeks. It will help his speech.

I'd probably send him very part time. Just gets them used to that kind of environment.