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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would send your child to nursery as a SAHM?

76 replies

nurseryornot · 15/03/2024 17:22

I just don’t know what the right decision is. I am a SAHM to a 2 and a half year old. We don’t need childcare as I am happy being a SAHM and we go to toddler classes and stay and plays every week day (1-2 classes a day) so he has daily interaction with other children throughout the week.

He has a speech delay (he has about 20 words with 3 of them being 2 words together) and is awaiting an appointment with paediatrics to see if they want to refer him for an autism diagnosis (I have autism so it is likely). The speech therapist we last saw said there were red flags with his speech but from the way he was interacting with her she is confident that he will progress with his speech and she wants to see him again when he is 3. She also said it would be good to get him on a waiting list for nursery as being around other children would likely help him to develop his speech.

I have spoken to staff at the children’s centre and whilst they have said they can’t make me send him to nursery they seem to really recommend it. I think they (as well as my partner) think it would be good for me to get used to being away from him before he starts school and to be okay on my own before he starts school as well as the fact that he would enjoy it. I just feel like it would be wrong as I don’t need to leave him as I am here and have no reason that I can’t look after him full time. But at the same time I do agree that school will be a big shock and I will probably be more upset than him when he goes. I just think it will feel like I am abandoning him/getting rid of him for no reason.

On the subject of school, he is a summer born child (August) and is therefore due to start school when he has just turned 4. I 100% do not agree with this and will be applying for him to start school when he is 5 at the compulsory school age. Life is literally school then work and it takes up so much of your life that I 100% believe that every child should have the freedom to just be a child and play until they are 5 years old and not start their reception year until they are 5.
Because of this, I think I would feel really mean putting him into nursery when he turns 3 as that is another year that he could have with just me and his toddler groups. I was thinking about putting him in 1-2 mornings or afternoons a week from when he is 4 but it feels like there is pressure to put him in as soon as we get free hours at 3 years old… I could maybe do 3 and a half. I don’t know. It just all feels so quick and too soon.

His gymnastics classes don’t let parents come in with the children once they turn 3 so he will be getting that experience of independence at 3 years old either way but I will be right there if anything does happen. I don’t think it will as he is very confident and independent and he has been going to the parent and child classes since he was a baby and knows the teachers well. I am also looking at signing him up to Squirrels when he turns 4 so it’s not as if I’m not considering activities that don’t involve me.

I don’t think it helps that I have worked and had placements in nurseries where I have seen a baby be thrown onto their sleep mat, a child be forced to stand in the playground crying until they were allowed to go back inside, children being shouted at, nappies not being changed as staff don’t want to do it ect.
The fact that he can’t talk and wouldn’t be able to tell me if anything bad happens is a really big concern as well. He also has a really high pain tolerance/doesn’t know when he is hurt so that is a concern too as he could get hurt without anyone knowing (he can fall/bang his head ect. and just get up and continue doing whatever he was doing).

It’s so hard as depending on how his speech progresses and how the pain thing develops I will obviously have the same concerns at school but I know that he has to go to school and we will hopefully know if he has autism by then and may get a 1 to 1 if he needs one.

If it was just about what he would enjoy then I have no doubt that he would love the freedom to run around and play with lots of new things and people. But I don’t know how he would react if he got upset ect. as he currently breastfeeds for comfort and then goes back to what he was doing before.

What would you do in my position??

OP posts:
Tumbleweed101 · 15/03/2024 18:59

I would choose to do the 15hrs funded at 3yo. At that stage they gain a lot socially from some hours at nursery and if there are any learning or development delays they will be picked up by staff who can then help with support processes.

yourenottgebossoofme · 15/03/2024 19:10

@nurseryornotim a SAHM. My autistic and adhd ds (who has a speech disorder and delay) went 2 full days when he was 3 and a half.

It was fine, but he didn’t gain much from it. His speech didn’t improve at all, nothing bad happened but he didn’t make friends or bother with the other kids, and he didn’t become resilient to being away from me.

He also didn’t learn much at school, join in with the other kids or improve his speech. He never became ok with being there and developed EBSA.

We took him out to home ed at the start of year 3 and he has come on leaps and bounds… he has a small group of friends he loves (although he is still a pretty solitary child), he is doing well in all his academic work, his speech is much better and he is a very happy chap…

So, in my view there is nothing wrong with a bit of nursery (although if you have the choice I’d wait til a bit older)- but equally there isn’t anything special about it either.

If I had another I wouldn’t bother.

Mumofoneandone · 15/03/2024 19:25

Was a SAHM for both an August born and September born child. We went to some parents/child groups and one went to kindergarten at 3 for 3 mornings a week (minimum allowed)the other one went to preschool 2 mornings a week at 3 1/2 and then 3 at 4 years.
August born joined Y1 at just turned 5 - wasn't reading and writing but quickly picked it up.
Absolutely no problem with language development when they were younger (or now!) both absolutely flying in school.!
Please don't feel forced to put your child into nursery - really not necessary and you sound like you are giving him plenty of time with other children.

Itsacruelsummer · 15/03/2024 19:30

Does the school you want to send him to have a preschool? I think they can be much nicer than private nursery chain nurseries and ours has consistent staffing. Also term time only and you can do shorter sessions. My DS has a speech delay and he has an IEP already. If your DS is moving towards a SEN diagnosis they can start thinking of ways to support him which they can put in place before school.

Agree with PP to check your LA rules on deferment and make sure your DS gets a reception year which is hugely important.

Aussieland · 15/03/2024 19:32

PeloMom · 15/03/2024 17:31

Yes. It’s very important for their social development. We started 5 days as of the day after the 3rd bday. To be fair with all illnesses maybe went 6months during the first year

Edited

Even as a SAHM? That’s depressing

BeaRF75 · 15/03/2024 19:36

Surely the point of nursery is to provide Early Years education - why would anyone want to deny that for a child? The bonus is that their parent also gets a little bit of time to remind themselves that there is more to life than just being a parent. Sounds like a win- win.

Flittingaboutagain · 15/03/2024 19:42

I'm in your position. So my summer born will be doing two half days a week from 4 in preparation for school at 5. I don't see how they need more than a year to prepare! They literally have all their lives to learn to talk and socialise whilst sat at a desk.

LadyBird1973 · 15/03/2024 19:44

I was a sahm to an August born son and from 3 I sent him to the nursery which was attached to the primary school and which was the precursor to reception.
I think it was 3 mornings per week and I thought it was good for him to play with different toys and do some crafts that maybe we didn't have at home and get used to being around children who weren't his brothers.

I think this very much depends on the individual child and whether you feel he needs that extra stimulation and interaction. There's no right or wrong answer. You could trial it and pull him out if he hates it.

I do regret sending my child to primary school at age 4 though - he was born at the end of August and there were children practically a whole year older than him and I think that wasn't ideal, in retrospect.

PeloMom · 15/03/2024 19:46

Aussieland · 15/03/2024 19:32

Even as a SAHM? That’s depressing

Show quote history

What’s depressing about it? That my child needs to interact with peers and not adults only?

WithACatLikeTread · 15/03/2024 19:47

Flittingaboutagain · 15/03/2024 19:42

I'm in your position. So my summer born will be doing two half days a week from 4 in preparation for school at 5. I don't see how they need more than a year to prepare! They literally have all their lives to learn to talk and socialise whilst sat at a desk.

You don't think it is a cause of concern the child isn't talking when the professionals think it is? Best to put things into place early.

PeanutCat1 · 15/03/2024 19:50

I'm a SAHM and my 3 year old started at preschool in January and it's been fab! He does 2 full days a week and that's plenty. I do think it's really important for children to socialise in a setting away from their parents before school. Our preschool is attached to the primary school my child will go to and I also wanted to get a feel for the school and they've been great so far.

My DS has a speech delay and is possibly also Autistic so I was really concerned how he'd get on as he's always been with me every day but he's honestly loved it! It's helped his speech, behaviour, social interactions just everything - honestly one of the best decisions we've made for him. We will stick to 2 days as I still love having him home with me but may look to add another day on next year before school just to get more used to it.

Honestly I would just give it a try, you may find yourself pleasantly surprised and you can always change your mind at any point if you think the settings not right for your little one.

BingBongBoo86 · 15/03/2024 19:53

SAHM here, sent DD to nursery at 3.5, 5 mornings a week - she loved it. It was the right thing for us at the time. She was ready and I felt that she needed more than I could provide.

My DD is starting reception aged 5, she’s a summer born too. Best decision we made. She’s developed so much in the last 6 months. Check out the group - Flexible school admissions for summer borns on Facebook. Great advice on there and lots of people to help, if that’s the path you decide. It was a very easy process for us. Good luck!

MigGirl · 15/03/2024 19:53

I was a SAHM, when mine where little, they both went to preschool after they turned 3 and as DS was one of the oldest in his year he did almost 2 years.

It was a preschool attached to the school they both went to though and NOT a nursery. The children in the older room got to visit reception and the head of early years at the school and the schools SENCO spent time in the nursery. So transition into school was much easier and actually a setting like this would probably be really good for your DC. I'm not sure a private nursery would be as beneficial.

VivaVivaa · 15/03/2024 19:54

Despite using childcare from 12 months onwards to go back to work, I’m firmly in the camp that children under the age of roughly 2.5 don’t need childcare.

However, in my experience there is a world of difference between a 2 yo and a 3-4 year old. DS1 (who is nearly 4) was absolutely done with toddler groups and rhyme times and home based activities by not long after 3. Only you know your child, but mine needed the structure, range of activities, learning and socialisation that pre school offered. He currently goes 3 days per week 8:45-3 and is flourishing.

fleurneige · 15/03/2024 19:55

I was a sahm until my 3 boys were at primary school- and they all went to nursery for 2 days a week from age 3. For socialisation, and to get used to not being with me all the time. And - yes, honest here- to give me a break and time to do things I enjoy. Win, win.

mummaoftwogirls · 15/03/2024 19:55

Yes I would and did, DD started nursery at 3 2 days a week then at 4 went to 4 days a week, before that from 2 years old she went to playgroup two mornings a week.
DD was a covid baby and I was so worried about her not getting any social interaction with anyone other than me and DH for the first 18 months of her life. Playgroup helped her a lot and got her used to others before starting longer hours at nursery.
It sounds like you would both benefit from a couple of mornings a week, if you wait and don't send him anywhere until starting school I'd be concerned that he'd struggle with such a huge change, at least doing a couple of mornings a week at nursery would get him used to being around peers and the nursery/school routine. Also if a speech and language professional had advised it then I would be following their advice definitely.

110APiccadilly · 15/03/2024 20:07

BeaRF75 · 15/03/2024 19:36

Surely the point of nursery is to provide Early Years education - why would anyone want to deny that for a child? The bonus is that their parent also gets a little bit of time to remind themselves that there is more to life than just being a parent. Sounds like a win- win.

That's incredibly naive. Nursery is mostly to enable parents to work (which I'm not criticising, kids need food to eat and a roof over their heads at the end of the day). At that age, what they need is individual attention from someone who knows and loves them, not "Early Years education".

Whattodo2024 · 15/03/2024 20:08

Yes will give him all the advantages. Especially if his speech is behind from being at home.

Elphamouche · 15/03/2024 20:11

I would if finances allow. Personally I think it is a really important part of their development. Or a pre school, but something like this definitely.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/03/2024 20:12

It has been suggested to you by a professional that going to Nursery will benefit your child

so send your child to a nursery attached to a school - many of them start at 2 years old.
A nursery class attached to a school is very different to a day nursery.

Perfect28 · 15/03/2024 20:14

As a working parent who is having to essentially fund your child's unnecessary 'free' place, please don't.

ExcitingRicotta · 15/03/2024 20:18

Your partner thinks it’s a good idea, the professionals think it’s a good idea and you said you think your son would love it.

I think you should try to think more about why you’re so reluctant to let him go, it might only get harder the longer you leave it. I would encourage you not to see it as abandoning him but giving him a really important opportunity to thrive in a different environment.

PickledMumion · 15/03/2024 20:19

When I was a SAHM I sent mine to preschool the term after they turned 3. Started with 3 mornings and built up to 3 full days and 2 mornings by the time they started reception. This was plenty.

He will get more one-to-one attention and conversation at home with you. No one cares for him in the same way you do. Don't let anyone ever make you believe your young toddler is better off away from you. And they can bore off with the nonsense that you need to get used to being apart from him - what bullshit.

VivaVivaa · 15/03/2024 20:26

Perfect28 · 15/03/2024 20:14

As a working parent who is having to essentially fund your child's unnecessary 'free' place, please don't.

Why is her 3 year olds place unnecessary? The funded hours for 3+ year olds has nothing to do with parents working/needing childcare. Research showed that it was beneficial for children entering primary school to have been exposed to a structured learning environment in the year before reception (hence why the hours match primary school and are term time only - it was designed with school nurseries in mind). It has literally nothing to do with tax payers funding others to stay at home or otherwise. It’s only the recent roll out of more hours at a younger age that are to help parents work.

sunshine237 · 15/03/2024 20:28

Wow there are some really nasty replies here.
He doesn't have a speech delay 'from being at home' Confused. As for the person who thinks their job is funding his nursery place Confused

If it were me, I would work really hard with him on his speech in the meantime,and find a place at a preschool setting from age 3 (not a day nursery) if possible. Hopefully he will be a good bit further along with his speech and toileting when he starts.

You then still get all school holidays together, he can do something like three mornings a week initially and see how he likes it. It's really just a few hours out of your care but gives him that practice school experience.

I would do this regardless of whether you apply to defer his reception place. Personally, if I had an August born ds with a speech delay and no particular need for him to start, I would also try to defer him.