To ask if you would send your child to nursery as a SAHM?

[nurseryornot]

I just don’t know what the right decision is. I am a SAHM to a 2 and a half year old. We don’t need childcare as I am happy being a SAHM and we go to toddler classes and stay and plays every week day (1-2 classes a day) so he has daily interaction with other children throughout the week.

He has a speech delay (he has about 20 words with 3 of them being 2 words together) and is awaiting an appointment with paediatrics to see if they want to refer him for an autism diagnosis (I have autism so it is likely). The speech therapist we last saw said there were red flags with his speech but from the way he was interacting with her she is confident that he will progress with his speech and she wants to see him again when he is 3. She also said it would be good to get him on a waiting list for nursery as being around other children would likely help him to develop his speech.

I have spoken to staff at the children’s centre and whilst they have said they can’t make me send him to nursery they seem to really recommend it. I think they (as well as my partner) think it would be good for me to get used to being away from him before he starts school and to be okay on my own before he starts school as well as the fact that he would enjoy it. I just feel like it would be wrong as I don’t need to leave him as I am here and have no reason that I can’t look after him full time. But at the same time I do agree that school will be a big shock and I will probably be more upset than him when he goes. I just think it will feel like I am abandoning him/getting rid of him for no reason.

On the subject of school, he is a summer born child (August) and is therefore due to start school when he has just turned 4. I 100% do not agree with this and will be applying for him to start school when he is 5 at the compulsory school age. Life is literally school then work and it takes up so much of your life that I 100% believe that every child should have the freedom to just be a child and play until they are 5 years old and not start their reception year until they are 5.
Because of this, I think I would feel really mean putting him into nursery when he turns 3 as that is another year that he could have with just me and his toddler groups. I was thinking about putting him in 1-2 mornings or afternoons a week from when he is 4 but it feels like there is pressure to put him in as soon as we get free hours at 3 years old… I could maybe do 3 and a half. I don’t know. It just all feels so quick and too soon.

His gymnastics classes don’t let parents come in with the children once they turn 3 so he will be getting that experience of independence at 3 years old either way but I will be right there if anything does happen. I don’t think it will as he is very confident and independent and he has been going to the parent and child classes since he was a baby and knows the teachers well. I am also looking at signing him up to Squirrels when he turns 4 so it’s not as if I’m not considering activities that don’t involve me.

I don’t think it helps that I have worked and had placements in nurseries where I have seen a baby be thrown onto their sleep mat, a child be forced to stand in the playground crying until they were allowed to go back inside, children being shouted at, nappies not being changed as staff don’t want to do it ect.
The fact that he can’t talk and wouldn’t be able to tell me if anything bad happens is a really big concern as well. He also has a really high pain tolerance/doesn’t know when he is hurt so that is a concern too as he could get hurt without anyone knowing (he can fall/bang his head ect. and just get up and continue doing whatever he was doing).

It’s so hard as depending on how his speech progresses and how the pain thing develops I will obviously have the same concerns at school but I know that he has to go to school and we will hopefully know if he has autism by then and may get a 1 to 1 if he needs one.

If it was just about what he would enjoy then I have no doubt that he would love the freedom to run around and play with lots of new things and people. But I don’t know how he would react if he got upset ect. as he currently breastfeeds for comfort and then goes back to what he was doing before.

What would you do in my position??

@VivaVivaa sorry but that's clearly nonsense, all childcare helps parents work? The recent changes simply reduce the age. Nurseries have to charge those not using these hours more to make up for the shortfall that the government pay for the 'free place' compared with costs.

Could not disagree more. Stop making it about you, it's to benefit the child.

I sent mine to preschool as they enjoyed it and I enjoyed the break but it doesn’t sound like either of you need it yet and might be unsettling for him anyway. So I would perhaps wait until a few months before he starts school or earlier if you feel ready sooner

@Beezknees that's the point though, you can socialise and develop a child without sending them to nursery... I agree they are useful in addressing disadvantage but is that at play here?

I sent mine (apart from 1 where she was due to start when covid hit).

As a SAHM I was able to be a bit more selective with nurseries and we ended up choosing a term time only one which felt better in terms of having the holidays together etc. I'm a huge fan because I don't think playgroups and classes can offer the same socialisation as a nursery, just things like all having their lunches together and being with each other 6 hours a day.

As a household we pay a lot of tax so I have no guilt in utilising the free hours.

I mean, you can throw accusations around all you want. But the 30 funded (not free) hours for 3 year olds came in to improve access to pre school education, not to aid parents to work. As I said, it was originally designed for term time, pre school set ups exclusively for 3 year olds, not private nurseries providing 10 hour day care round the year for children as young as 3 months. The fact private nurseries previously charge younger children more is because they are businesses.

I don’t know anyone who hasn’t sent their child to nursery upon turning 3.

if your child does indeed have speech and language delays then the nursery can engage the help of professionals and outside agencies to assist. I’m a trustee of a nursery - they do so much for children with additional needs and they kids thrive in their care.

@PickledMumion I really agree with you! So many people thinking these tiny children NEED to spend time away from their parents. It's not a need it's a very recent thing in terms of society and driven largely by capitalism

I would put him into a pre school specifically, if you have nursery concerns. I work in a nursery and whilst I personal haven't seen what you described I'm sure it does happen! I also have a speech delayed 2 year old and they have been amazing. They have made doing the referrals so much easier.

Yes I think nursery from 2-3 years old is a good thing, at exactly what age and how much would be dependent on the child, the nursery and cost

Certainly if recommend for S&L delay or if I had a newborn and a toddler

It can be helpful from the perspective of more professionals observing him/seeing his behaviour/supporting him. When he's 3 he could go to school nursery if that would feel more comfortable than private? You could just do the 15 hours a week?

All of mine went and it was the one with the speech delay, later an asd diagnosis, who went earliest. Disclosure, I knew he'd have a 121 due to other stuff but I do feel that nursery helped with his speech and socialisation in a way play groups didn't.

If you can find a school nursery where he is likely to go to school, it also helps for them to get to know him at an age with less pressure and expectations and means they can start the ball rolling for an echp etc.

I would send him. It isn't all or nothing. School nursery might insist on five half days but work with them towards it, and see how it goes. If it doesn't work, if he's upset during nursery (rather than just drop off) pull him out and try next year.
Make sure it's a school that will do nappy changes (ours are amazing, ds wasn't dry until 5 but they knew it was linked to his needs) but some aren't so ask. Ask all the questions you need. Do a taster session. Speak to other Moms if you know any or ask on FB about the school etc

Can't speak for everyone but my older DC who is now in school would have really struggled with the transition to primary school if they had not been to nursery. I think they learn a lot from being in a group setting that I don't think a parent can replicate just by taking them to activities.

I have 1 with a speech delay and 1 with a disorder.

DS was August born; I deferred his start and it was the best decision for him.

Nursery / preschool have been amazing at helping both kids. The activities set by the SALT can be done in the preschool setting. I found they came on better with preschool as they worked harder for them than me!!

Do not underestimate the social side of early years. I would also strongly recommend you do consistent half days, or full days in a row as it helps the child to settle better in a routine.

Good luck 🤞

I don't understand this post at all. Nurseries and pre-schools follow the same EYFS. Lots of private nurseries have pre-school rooms. Lots of areas don't have school or volunteer run pre-schools. It's largely semantics.

Yes! Mine went two mornings a week to give me a break, to teach them to be without me, and for socialisation.

SAHM here, I would look at preschools rather than nursery as they are term-time only and shorter hours and tend to be in a hall with children of mixed ages rather than a classroom setup. There was a child in my daughters reception class that had never attended any form of childcare. The mother had done what she thought was the right thing but this poor child was traumatised being left there in year R and had to do half days for months. It was so hard for her. You have nothing to lose by trying him at preschool for a few mornings a week after he turns 3 (you don’t need to use the full 15 hours). If he doesn’t settle after a few weeks / months, defer until 3.5/4 but definitely send him to some form of preschool / nursery for at least 15 hours by the time school starts. Your child will be so different to how they are now and probably craving the socialisation and variation that it provides. My daughter is 4 and we are by far the oldest at toddler groups, all 2 year olds

Oh gosh I am in such a similar position to you and have the same worries and concerns.

from the research I have read, sending them to nursery age 3 and above can have its benefits for the child. Sending them at a younger age, the benefits are mainly for the parents. of course anecdotally people will say differently but that is what i have read. I will consider nurseries/other childcare options at 3 for this reason.

but definitely don’t take that as you aren’t doing enough!! You’ve given him so much by being there with him this whole time

I would suggest pt nursery from 3 - mind went mornings, 3 hours per day the year before starting school and it definitely helped prepare them for school. Dd had delayed speech which was caught up by 5.

Is it a recent change? When are you thinking of?
Typically children have been partly cared for by people other than their parents, be it other family members, nannies or servants throughout history. We just pay a lot more for it now!

Going to classes with mummy is not comparable to going to nursery. He will come on leaps and bounds at a good nursery by navigating the world alone in a safe space. I have a late summer born and she has thrived in reception, to hold her back based purely on age would have been a huge mistake.

Your post is more about you and how it’s affects you than him and what’s best for him.

I was and still am a SAHM I put my dd in nursery at 2 1/2 yrs. She loved it. The tantrums we had when I went to collect her you would never believe! I did it initially for her to learn to socialise with other children as we had no one in our family even close in age and I couldnt bear mums and tots groups. She is 12 now and bright and confident and very happy in her first year of high school. I had no regrets.I also and there is no denying this enjoyed my time to please myself. I genuinely believe it was better for me, made me a better parent too .

I sent mine to full days two days a week once I had my second (he had been going two week on two weeks off as that was my work schedule, but I gave up work after my second). Then when my second turned one, she went two days a week he went three. Made transition to school a breeze, they enjoyed nursery and I got a break.
My oldest is late July born and he was sooooo ready for school no way would I hold him back

We have an August DS, so we could have held him back but it would have been the wrong choice for him, however if you really do believe that your DC needs that extra year and you have checked how it effects them all the way through to GCSE etc in your area, then that is your choice and yours to take.

The thing with being a SAHP vs nursery it depends on what type of SAHP you are. If you are teaching your child numbers, basic phonics, art and craft, holding a pencil, writing name, holding cutlery cutting to cut food up, toilet trained, can zip coat up, put shoes on and off etc etc then nursery is not needed and they will be fine when they hit reception.

It sounds like your DC is well socialised so can play alongside other children very well and will move to the next stage of playing with other children fine as they grow up surrounded by other kids in their groups and classes. I would maybe see if you could get into some of the classes they run privately for speech and language, second opinion and advice on great ways of encouraging speech.

It's great you have the choice, so go with your gut, if you are deferring, maybe put him in at 4. But do look into the implications of that - which im sure you already have. (I haven't read any of the rest of the thread so sorry if im repeating)

@ExcitingRicotta I think it's been a gradual change over time but I suppose it started around the time of the industrial revolution and then again in earnest from the 1960s onwards as more and more woman chose / were able to work. I see spending time being cared for by family or servants within the home a bit differently and perhaps more of privileged thing, in one way or another. That said, I know there are loads of merits to nursery and preschool. I just don't think it's an essential need.