Childcare arrangements for holidays

[GRT5]

What are peoples thoughts around child arrangements when separated? I have my DD full time and her dad sees her every other weekend, he has her over the Christmas period and has on occasions had her during the school holidays for the odd day. Before DD started school I asked dad if we could come to an arrangement for the school holidays due to there being 13 weeks and I too work full time. This has never happened and we are in the 3rd year now so I have suggested he takes ownership of 4 of the 13 weeks, if he can't take A/L then it is his responsibility to make alternative arrangements. He has said no as he shouldn't have to 'help me out' but will have her when he can.
Eg the next half term in April he told me this week he can have her for 2 days out of the 10.

AIBU to suggest he takes ownership of the 4 weeks?

Why not 6.5 weeks?

I feel your pain. Take my advice and tell him that there are 13 weeks to cover and he must take ownership of 4 weeks whether this be annual leave or working together to pay for holiday clubs.
4 weeks is 25 days so I doubt he will want to use all of his holidays on DC as will you.

I just went with 4 weeks as I knew he wouldn't go with anything else it's a fight to get him to have her more as it is as he says he has to work so can't have her.. 4 weeks would be 2 half terms and then 2 weeks in the summer holidays so I can up with 4.

I did say this and he said no he will help where he can. For the asy 2 years I've either took A/L or paid for holiday club or asked family members. He has said taking time off to help me out to work isn't really his issue to sort 😭😭

"You aren't helping me, it's called parenting and building a relationship with your child. How do you think they feel you need spending any of your annual leave with them"

Grey rock

Do you have a formal contact arrangement, as this would normally cover holidays.

Would it be worth getting a formal arrangement to get him to step up

This what I have said to him now that perhaps we need something more formal and it's not like I am asking for 50/50 just some extra support during school holidays. I have started looking for a mediator as I believe we have to do this before court?

This isnwhy I have posted on here because I started to question myself if I was being unreason to ask for more help, he has said now that he will but only when he can which still feels unfair to me that he can pick and choose when he wants to see her and I'm supposed to agree to all his requests

Yeah I'd go for something more formal. He seems to think this is your kid and your responsibility and he's helping you by seeing his own child. Having someone point out his child is his responsibility would help.

Tell him you want to move to 50:50 as DD wants more time with him 😂

I hope he pays at least CMS level of maintenance.

I've said to him about 50/50 and he said I was calling his bluff and that due to work he couldn't have her 50/50... because you know that's not what I have to do or anything.

He does pay, he did the calculator thing so I have no idea if it is correct and tempted to go through official channels now.

OMG I would seriously consider telling him you only want EOW and 4 holiday weeks a year.

Do you have court order for childcare arrangements? Or is this an arrangement between yourselves?

Just an arrangement between ourselves, I've always been really flexible and let him see her whenever he has asked too, although this has never really been much more than his set every other weeknd but now she's in school and there are so many school holidays I've just asked that he take ownership of 4 of the 13 weeks.

I've tried, he seems to think that's helping me out and why should he do that, he will see her 'when he can'

He views looking after the child as your job, that he can then do what he wants.

Suggest that you go down the formal route, so he understands and appreciates that he is equally responsible for looking after his child

In my opinion, but not all men are like that. The majority of separated/divorced men don't want the kids to interfere with their life, they will take them every other weekend and maybe an overnight a week and at a push two week holidays during the summer. My ex husband has 6 weeks holiday and only agree to have the kids for two weeks Holidays per year as his own words he is entitled to have his free time.

The problem with the court order idea is that even if he agrees to take 4 holiday weeks (court wont force him), even if they are set weeks in the year, he can still turn around and say no, sorry I'm working and not take her. The court order would oblige RP to make the child available but not the NRP to take the child. Irritating I know.

I optimistically was hoping that the entire court process would be a bit of a wake up call to him and make him realise that he has responsibilities.

Whereas at the moment he views it all as her responsibilities

That's a bit unfair isn't it.. what's the point in the court order then lol 😭. What about 50/50 ? Not that I even want him to have her that much.

Then the order states he needs to find childcare on his weeks.

OP you need to change the language you use - he isn’t helping you out he’s parenting his daughter.

He isn’t giving up his free time he is building a relationship with his child.

You need to get something formal in place for childcare arrangements and include holidays and Christmas. Cost of holiday clubs and actual holidays.

Literally this. Does it not make you mad?Does your husband see them any other time. The thing annoying me is that he wants the best of both worlds, picking and choosing when he will see DD if it is convenient for him.

This is what I have said to him and he's made me feel like I am being unreasonable in what I have asked for.

When I went back work I dropped a day so that I could spend time with her and even now I work alot of my time around spending time with her.

I'm going to look into it more now I feel I'm not being unreasonable