Childcare arrangements for holidays

[GRT5]

What are peoples thoughts around child arrangements when separated? I have my DD full time and her dad sees her every other weekend, he has her over the Christmas period and has on occasions had her during the school holidays for the odd day. Before DD started school I asked dad if we could come to an arrangement for the school holidays due to there being 13 weeks and I too work full time. This has never happened and we are in the 3rd year now so I have suggested he takes ownership of 4 of the 13 weeks, if he can't take A/L then it is his responsibility to make alternative arrangements. He has said no as he shouldn't have to 'help me out' but will have her when he can.
Eg the next half term in April he told me this week he can have her for 2 days out of the 10.

AIBU to suggest he takes ownership of the 4 weeks?

The court can’t make him have her. You can go to court and have it formally in writing that he has EOW and 6 weeks during school holidays. But all that means is that is the maximum he can have her. If he wants less unfortunately there is nothing a court can do.

He does make me mad but i should not be surprised aa he told me when he left that he never wanted any kids i forced them on him. You bloody think if he never wanted any kids he wpuld have told me or at least after the first one but no only told me that after the third one and i should be grateful to him that he did not leave when the kids were young Our daughter was 3 when he left. It pissed me off

A court order made no difference to my ex husband and over the years dropped school holiday help with varying excuses like he was away the week before, his step child would be at school, if I could afford to buy a car I could afford holiday club etc etc. eventually I gave up and sorted them as he was too unreliable. Not worth the stress for me tbh.
They really are a piece of work these men and it's done to control. You have your annual leave with your child means you can't have fun.

The problem you have is there is no way to force a parent who doesn’t want their child to look after them more. No legal system exists for that. I’ve asked this many times of various family lawyers as my DCs dad is the same. Unfortunately they can’t help. If he wants to see his kid more he can force that through the legal system but you are stuck as no process exists the other way round.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make him have her, or make him responsible for childcare during those times.

My ex, because he’s a dick and had money to burn, took me fk court for a very detailed access order. EOW, every Wednesday evening and alternate weeks in the holidays. In reality all it meant was I couldn’t do anything on “his” time in case he turned up, which was rare, as he’d get ranty and abusive if we weren’t home. Took me three years to have it overturned as every time I tried to take him back to court he’d step up for a short time.

Its unfair. It’s shit. But honestly it’s likely better for your mh if you just accept that he’s not going to do it. I turned myself in knots for years seething over the unfairness and i accidentally just made it harder on myself.

I'd love to know what these men would have done if they were widowed like my dad. They would have no choice then so why do they think they get to dip in and out when they want because of separation.

Luckily for us my maternal grandparents would have us anytime because his family where shit.

I would feel bad leaving my child with someone who isn't bothered about looking after her. It's difficult for you but long term you're building a far better relationship with her so I'd try to focus on that and stop interacting with him. He's probably feeling very powerful treating you like this. Don't give him the upper hand and stop being so accommodating with access. If it's not both ways you call the shots a bit more.

We have dsd all half terms, half of summer and we alternate Christmas/new year

I don’t understand this. Why wouldn’t you not have checked it?

My ex is like this despite promising he wouldn't take responsibility for half the holidays by either taking time off or paying. He's done neither and actively tells me he can't whilst swanning off on holidays by himself etc whilst all my leave is used for the children.

I can't force him to have them but the children have noticed and will impact their relationship eventually.

Give him a choice.

He either takes his DD consistently 2 nights every week, or he accepts half of every holiday.

This means that even if holidays aren't getting covered, you're getting more coverage every week.

Personally I think "every other weekend" is a ridiculous concept when the other parent is able to cope just fine 90% of the time.

If he doesnt play ball, you contact a good family solicitor and go through courts to get a proper arrangement in place.

This is it. So he's booked a holiday abroad with his new partner, but then was unhappy I'd booked a holiday during term time (rightly or wrongly to some on here I know) but whenever I go away it will always be with my daughter unless it was a weekend when she is at his.

The annoying this is its not that he doesn't want her as he's always had her consistently every other weekend so it's not like she would be in an environment where she isn't wanted or loved because she is. His issue is he works and just says he can't have her, and it makes me mad that he thinks I don't have that same dilemma.

I just don't understand how he gets to walk around with zero responsibilities and think that that's acceptable. He said he has spoke to other dads at work and they have all agreed I'm being unreasonable 🙄 hence why I did this post

This is awful! Until being in this position I always felt I'd never stop my DD dad from seeing her but like you say it's a control thing.

I think I'm going to say you have your weekends and stick to them, I'd rather not have it held over me that he is 'helping me' when he has her any extra time that he does.

I don't know, because initially he was really good with paying maintenance and paying towards nursery and any other activities she did but it slowly dwindled down to now just paying maintenance and I guess I kind for felt atleast he's paying something as I know there are many dads that don't

It's not like I rely on his money as I've always discounted it incase it ever stops or changed.

I would if I knew that when she was with him he didn't want her, but genuinely he is an okay dad when she is with him. He does love her, just doesn't seem to want to take on the responsibility side so wants to live his life as he chooses and see DD when it suits him really.

I'm going to start doing that, she's in my care and I will just start saying no to extra access if it doesn't suit me

He’s being a selfish shit and he should absolutely be taking much more responsibility of his own child’s childcare arrangements. But while I sympathise with you totally, you’re not going to be able to force him to. Sometimes the best thing we can do for our own sanity is to let it go. I’ve had to this a lot regarding my ex and father of my older children.

I would def ask to have the CMS checked.

He's a shit Dad, talk about doing the bare minimum.

Definitely go through CMS

Other posters are correct in that a court order can't force him to have his child.

However.....the threat of the expense and hassle of a court case can sometimes make these men toe the line. Also, compliance with a formal order is evidence if needed to prove that he did or didn't pull his weight. When they are older children need to understand the facts and the reality of sacrifices made so they are not manipulated.

Finally, a court order will help you regain an element of control and demonstrate you have advocated for yourself and your child. Good luck OP.

It's bizarre isn't it? These men that think "I have to work" is the trump card that absolves them of any parental responsibility.
Even though you also "have to work" but never mind that tiny detail...right?

I'm frustrated for you reading this but unfortunately I don't think there's any actual way of forcing him to step up short of putting her on his doorstep, ringing the bell and running away which I don't recommend!

I would be spitting chips at the ‘help you out’ language. I’d probably consider starting to message Friday of his weekend saying dd can stay here this weekend I don’t need you to help me out. Then when he argued I’d say hang on, are you parenting or helping me out. Make up your mind. If you’re parenting then of bloody course you deserve regular contact. Including 4 weeks of holidays. If you’re just helping me out I’ve never counted on you because I can’t, so you should just explain to dd you only ever had her to help me out and actually I’m an awesome mum and don’t need his help so you don’t plan on ever seeing her again. Pick a side, parenting or fucking around.

This is the problem though, he loves her on his terms. Every other weekend showing devotion and love is great but it's not parenting. Being a parent is showing up, doing the hard bits, washing their clothes everyday, making packed lunches, taking them to appointments etc. my ex claims he adores the kids but actually won't have them anymore, that's not love, that's shitty.

Other shitty dad's are all doing to agree with him, of course they are, my ex does that regularly claiming the men at work think I'm being a bitch when I've asked him for money for uniform because I can officially 'afford it's whilst he is buying a new car, holidays etc ...

Thanks everyone for all your input, it's made me definitely think about some things and that my request isn't unreasonable. I'm going to take more control.

He works but presumably gets at least 20 days plus bank holidays. He could easily cover 4 out of the 13 weeks. He obviously doesn't want to use his holiday for time with DD. He would rather go away with his new girlfriend. It's his loss.

Is he prepared to pay half for holiday club?

The way I played it was that I expected him to stick to his days as he expected me to stick to mine and I only gave extra if it benefitted my DDs.

So “hey, my gf is away and I’m bored. Alright if I pick the girls up at 10?” got a “We’ve already got plans today”.

but a “x relative is getting married on x date. Alright if I pick the girls up at 10?” got a yes.

He mentioned it in court once and the judge’s reaction was actually funny as he said “Mr X, Ms Y is absolutely not being unreasonable to have plans for the children already made on the very morning of that day…” with almost a silent “you idiot” on the end