To (nearly) piss myself?

[PlumMentor]

My son, 16 was at his prom yesterday, and was talking with a mate of mine's son. Both are russian immigrants, and my son was laughing how they could toilet paper a friend's house when they got a car.

DS is in bold

-Wouldnt it be amazing to TP Mike's house?

-Yeah, I would love it

-Even better when...

-We have car!

-So what would we do?

-You jump out, prank him, cover whole tree, shed and house!

-And what would you do?

-I would sit in front of house, in giveaway car, ready for you to jump in!

Had me nearly pissing myself at giveaway car!

haha!

My ex husband, also not native english speaker, said to me once.

"My sisters in labour. She's 4 cms diluted"

I still chuckle about that one.

Oh god that made me laugh!

Hey, better diluted than concentrated!

Ooh, this is going to be a good one! The best ones are the ones that are almost there but not quite, aren't they?

I had a workmate back in the day who had constant drama with the BF. He'd done something to piss her off (again!) and she sat there in an absolute rage and announced to the entire team she wasn't going to be anyone's bath mat! I still laugh about that one too.

With Spanish friend at a picnic.

Get the blank and bring it over here.

It's a blank-et. Blanket.

Yeah the it-blank.

No, it's a blanket.

It blank thing?

BLANKET.

Si, it's a blank.

Oh god. Nothing like MN at 7pm XD

All of these are comedy gold

Dd once asked if I wanted my cup of tea decapitated
(I drink decaf after lunch)

oh fucking god!

😂

Is she Russian too?

Can't work out if you're being nasty or not?

Dsis when about 3.5 maybe went around telling everyone she was poorly with an ear inFucKtion.

Mum tried shushing her but she was insistent on everyone knowing how poorly ear inFucKtions made you.

Of course being around 8, I thought it eas brilliant and made her say it over and over again.

DS1 aged about 5 in Asda at the top of his voice “can I have some cockporn please”
My late DF was a gadget man, DH asked if we were getting his Christmas present from that PVC world?

at cockporn

Ex DP used to get 'hungry' and 'angry' mixed up, when he first moved to the UK he was always telling people how angry he was when we were going out for a Meal

In school my friend was talking about another girl in my year. She was telling me that she had been born in Germany as her parents had EVAPORATED.

I was laughing so hard I couldn't speak for about 15 minutes! She was baffled and asking why I was laughing and it took me ages to explain that she had got her words mixed up.

I was just imagining this girl's parents evaporating into thin air and it kept setting me off!

I know someone who refers to her bookit list. Not bucket list. Never asked her why.

My friend spilled his drink and when I asked the waiter for a napkin for him he went beet red. He thought I'd told the waiter he needed a period pad.

OMG, bookit list makes total sense 😂, I love that! I'm assuming that she thinks that it's things that you've "booked in" to do before you die hence book-it list? Rather than things you want to do before you kick the bucket. Brilliant!

a German friend of mine was late meeting up being the traffic was terribly constipated on her way in to the city

(apparently the word for 'blocked up' is the same in German for either context!).

My poor friend had to have a total hysterectomy, and was giving me the details.
She also said she had been warned that she would be fitted with a cafeteria (catheter) while asleep, so not to panic when she woke up.
Hope the coffee was good.😂

I used to support a little Polish boy in a school and once I sneezed and he said, “ooh, blast off” 🥰.

Utterly adorable 🥰

My gran does that thing of calling Alzheimer's "old-timers"

At an air show and a jet flew over really low. Mil exclaims "it was so low I thought it might crash or ejaculate over us" I'm hoping she meant eject