To (nearly) piss myself?

[PlumMentor]

My son, 16 was at his prom yesterday, and was talking with a mate of mine's son. Both are russian immigrants, and my son was laughing how they could toilet paper a friend's house when they got a car.

DS is in bold

-Wouldnt it be amazing to TP Mike's house?

-Yeah, I would love it

-Even better when...

-We have car!

-So what would we do?

-You jump out, prank him, cover whole tree, shed and house!

-And what would you do?

-I would sit in front of house, in giveaway car, ready for you to jump in!

Had me nearly pissing myself at giveaway car!

My very posh brother in law, as child, made an error and said it was a "prep-school error" rather than "school-boy error"! 😆

My nephew had been learning to tell the time by drawing hands on clock faces and suchlike.

We went to the Morrisons cafe that weekend and the whole place got to hear him yelling 'COCK! LOOK! BIG COCK!' at the top of his voice when he saw the huge clock on the wall behind the counter 😀

We used to teach foreign nationals in the prison service and i once listened to a fellow teacher explain to a Vietnamese lad what ‘evening out’ meant, you know, you dress up and you go into town, have a meal, see a show etc etc, with lots of mime and hand gestures- only to make this poor guy very confused because actually his English was pretty good and he’d read in the news that ‘the stock markets were evening out’ 🤣

A friend once told her French boyfriend she had thrush. He Google translated it and was utterly perplexed at how she had a brown speckled bird in her vagina!

If you ask my dh what the second biggest city in England is he'll answer Burningham.

I was attempting to smash the patriarchy at work by telling my colleagues that Santa's reindeer are girls because the boys lose their antlers beforehand. Only instead of saying antlers I said firearm because I said the wrong vowel (gevær/gevir).

I think so? I didn’t have the heart to ask!

😂

Over the years I've had requests from ds for ....

Boiled egg and dead soldiers (he wanted the bread toasted!)

Wibbly wobbly chips (my mum had to work that one out for me!)

My late mother once told me she’d walked into town that morning to see a lobotomist.

thankfully I’d seen ‘blood test’ written on her calendar.

My 8 year old daughter once said her classmate was going to Wiggling Squid for dinner which I thought was quite sweet! It was only a couple of months ago but I call it Wiggling Squid now!

My darling friend who speaks many languages and whose English is better than most English people's tbh, once meant to tell us to merge together for a photo, but she accidently said "minge together". It was very funny.

Umm, reading this, I think I must be difficult to please

My nephew had been learning to tell the time by drawing hands on clock faces and suchlike. We went to the Morrisons cafe that weekend and the whole place got to hear him yelling 'COCK! LOOK! BIG COCK!' at the top of his voice when he saw the huge clock on the wall behind the counter

You don’t learn to tell the time before you can bloody speak.

the bullshit anecdotes on this thread are really something

A friend was pissed off with another friend who was always on the scrounge.
She said I'm not going to be her gravy boat..I think she meant train.

When my mum came to visit me in Edinburgh:

Me: mum, I think we'll go to South Queensferry today

Mum: OK....

Later

Mum: but, will it not be a bit cold for ice cream?

Me: what?

Mum: on the ferry

Me: what??

Mum: on the ice cream ferry

😂😂😂

DS used to call fuchsias fucksias. He’s 31 now and we still call them that 😂

RHS

"Earthing up simply means mounding soil or compost around the plants as they grow. It can help protect young growth from frost and also prevents tubers being exposed to sunlight and turning green (green tubers are poisonous). However it's not thought to increase yields significantly"

My mum announced in work after rushing in 'please excuse my hair, I had to give a quick blow job'. She main blow dry

I was 3 weeks overdue when I was born and my DM told me years later that she had to be seduced.

I was short on sleep the other day, ran into a friend in the morning (pre-coffee). During a quick chit-chat, I forgot the term for vaccuuming, and told her I had to mow my carpets later.

I am a native English speaker (but apparently only achieve fluency on a good night's sleep, post-caffeine).

My 5 year old often shouts he is a minja. He of course means ninja but it makes us all laugh. He also can't say spaghetti and calls it busgetty and refuses to accept now he is reading that it is spelt and said like it is. He even cried the first time I told him!

I'm sure she wasn't wrong either 😁

I remember at uni a girl saying she had to tidy her room as it looked like 'abombsitip' I was a bit confused then I realised she meant ' a bombs hit it ' all her childhood years she thought her mum had been saying one word and it was an actual word in the dictionary.

lol I love this