to think DH could change his hours to be more family friendly?

[auberginefortea]

First world problem, but something that niggles me.

DH works in a company which essentially has core hours (10-4) and we live around 20 minutes from his work. We have two young children (1 and 3).

On a typical day, he leaves home at 8.45 to 9ish and he comes home around 7.30pm. Our 3 year old goes to nursery and I work at home (we're fortunate enough to have a nanny for the 1 year old). Nanny starts at 8.30 and then I leave to drop our 3 year old off at nursery at 8.30-8.40.

What annoys me is that by being a relatively late starter, DH is neither present for breakfast (he's getting ready) nor for dinner during the week. If he were to get into the office earlier, and leave at 6-6.30, so he could at least have one meal with his family. There's no need (from what I can tell) for him to be in the office until at least 7pm every day.

I've mentioned this to him, but he says he's an owl (which I don't dispute), but I feel he's missing out on family dinner, which I'd like to an important part of the day.

AIBU?

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

One of the benefits of having core hours is that it allows people to work semi-flexibly. Many parents I know, including fathers, use this to be present more with family at one end of the day or the other. It allows both parents to share the load and share the school runs between them.

It seems like he's using the late start to avoid doing his share of breakfast duties and getting children ready, and working late to conveniently avoid the evening duties.

Just another excuse from a man to avoid doing the daily grind.

I’m sure I read on here of a woman who worked late ( she did mornings and nursery and school drop offs ) as her DH was at home with their kids, and her office was full of men who were wasting time to avoid bedtime duties at home.

moral of the story, have a proper conversation before you have your first baby over who will do what and when with the kids

So he finishes work at 4 but isn’t getting home until 7.30?
is that correct?

He could be home for 4.30 but isn’t, and his explanation is that he is an “owl”.

Is his job at risk if he works his contracted hours?

If he's an "owl" suggest he starts work later, or takes toddler to nursery.

Hes choosing to be an owl though. He's choosing work over his family.

Can’t he do the morning nursery drop off? I assume you are getting ready in the morning too but still do parenting

I've worked with 100s of men like this over a long, long working life.

They're not working, you know? They're using the office as a bolthole to avoid family life.

What is he like at the weekend? If he is an owl does he do his fair share of night time wakings?

Compromise so that 2 or 3 days per week he's home for dinner?

Now is the time to have these conversations before your children are of school age, with after school activities to contend with as well.

No, he has core hours in that he's expected to be in the office from 10 to 4, but works a full time job and has to make his hours.

He doesn’t finish work at 4pm, 10-4pm are the core hours for the office, not the working hours. I have had many employers that have core hours, it means that people have flexibility and can come in early and leave early or come in late and leave late, but everybody should be in for the core hours of 10-4.

I have a professional background and think his hours seem fairly normal, but that does depend on what job he has, level of seniority. I would have thought he could get home an hour earlier at least though.

If he's not around in the evening he has to be helpful in the morning surely? How long is his commute?

They're not working, you know? They're using the office as a bolthole to avoid family life.

That. He's doing it on purpose, so he wouldn't have to deal with toddlers at dinner time.

It’s a shame he won’t try and get home earlier, we found that as our DC grew older, the only time they actually talked to us about their day, was at dinner.

You know him best, do you think he's doing it to avoid being at home at meal times?

DH is neither present for breakfast (he's getting ready)

And doing what exactly? If he claims he can't help as he needs to shower and get dressed, surely the answer is to get up earlier. He only leaves around 9, could easily get up at a reasonable time, get readly and do some parenting.

No YANBU, why should his "owl" energy all go towards his work and none to his kids? The flexible hours is there to allow people to do more with their families, not less, he's taking the piss.

Could he do an hour in the evening after they are in bed? So 10-5, then 8-9?

I don't think you should present him with the solution, that he can bat off with one excuse. I think you should present him with the problem - he needs to be at home in the hours 6-7.30, how can he make that work?

I was a sahm and Dh would be up early with us on weekdays to be there for the morning routine. 2 pairs of hands and all that. Then he would go off to work and I would do the school run. But he was present. His priority was always his family so he would be home for the end of the children's early dinner, bath and bed routine and if needed would be on his laptop for an hour or so at night.

Your Dh should be going in earlier to get home earlier. He is avoiding both the morning and evening slog and it is not attractive. He may well be an owl but he is also a fucking parent.

@auberginefortea, how many hours is he contracted to work? What time do you have dinner? With core hours of 10am to 4pm, he might even be able to be present in family life at both ends of the day, especially since you only live twenty minutes from his workplace. Just depends how many hours a day he has to work, I suppose.

I agree. This is ridiculous.

I would be tempted to tell him that he is now responsible for at least half of all nursery drop offs and take yourself off somewhere - exercise class or gym if you like or just a nice coffee out...

My main question is why you have put up with this for so long?

I have 10 -4 core hours as well and it's really helpful for family life if you want it to be. I usually work late twice a week so I can be present in the morning/ evening on other days. DP does the same. On those days I also start early.

There are some jobs that are core hours in theory but in reality meetings get booked in outside these and you actually don't have much flexibility.

I would discuss with your DH whether there could be a different configuration of hours so he can be around a couple of evenings.

He could get ready 15 minutes earlier, not change any of his working hours and be present for breakfast. He’s choosing to avoid family mealtimes.

Surely a shower and getting dressed adds up to about ten minutes? He should do breakfast and the nursery drop otherwise he never sees his kids. Unbelievable that this needs to be pointed out to an adult, who chose to have children. I despair!