to think DH could change his hours to be more family friendly?

[auberginefortea]

First world problem, but something that niggles me.

DH works in a company which essentially has core hours (10-4) and we live around 20 minutes from his work. We have two young children (1 and 3).

On a typical day, he leaves home at 8.45 to 9ish and he comes home around 7.30pm. Our 3 year old goes to nursery and I work at home (we're fortunate enough to have a nanny for the 1 year old). Nanny starts at 8.30 and then I leave to drop our 3 year old off at nursery at 8.30-8.40.

What annoys me is that by being a relatively late starter, DH is neither present for breakfast (he's getting ready) nor for dinner during the week. If he were to get into the office earlier, and leave at 6-6.30, so he could at least have one meal with his family. There's no need (from what I can tell) for him to be in the office until at least 7pm every day.

I've mentioned this to him, but he says he's an owl (which I don't dispute), but I feel he's missing out on family dinner, which I'd like to an important part of the day.

AIBU?

Sorry, just seen you have a nanny so I've lost all sympathy for you

Why? It's entirely appropriate to have childcare for a 1 year old when working from home. It doesn't matter what the 1 year old's childcare arrangements are.

Do you really think a working mother carry a higher load than a working father just because the working father has strategically arranged his schedule to avoid parenting?

He needs to be dealing with the children either in the morning Inc nursery drop off, or in the afternoon Inc nursery pick up

He needs to pick one, and if he has a meeting which interferes he should have the courtesy to give you enough notice that you can work round it so it doesn't disrupt your working day either.

If he's an owl (lol!) then maybe he can do pick up Inc night waking 😉

I'm an owl. I didn't trust myself to get the kids ready in the morning, so I spent years dragging myself to the office early so I could leave at 4.30 to pick them up.

Now i wfh and I struggle in the mornings like your husband...but I still stop work and do dinner and bedtime and homework etc with the kids and then just catch up on work when they're in bed.

Being an owl is a thing, but it doesn't mean that you can't live outside your comfort zone for the good of your family. He should absolutely not be using his preference, to pass on his share of weekday parenting to you. It is simply not fair. And if he can't get his head in gear to get to work early, he should absolutely do mornings.

I can't believe he doesn't even feel bad about not seeing his kids in the week, by choice

Why?

How is that different from the one year old going to nursery?;the kid needs to be cared for whilst the parents work;many people only have Nannie's for the time they are working;the 3 year old probably goes to nursery as they have the 30 hours free funding.

@coxesorangepippin OP works so either they have nanny for the younger one or they would go to nursery with the older child.

What hours is he actually supposed to be working? If he's doing 0900-1930 every day that's 47.5 hours a week. He should be dropping a day, or you're right, coming home earlier.

Absolutely this! I have worked with so many men like this over the years. Many of them are quite open about it with colleagues as well, they think it's fine 🙄

He doesn't want to eat with the kids. Put some boundaries in place.

Bet he refers to you as "the government has given permission" in front of his colleagues if there are work drinks.

Um so what exactly is she supposed to do with a 1yo while she WORKS?

Lots of people routinely work longer than their contractual hours. 10 hours days are not uncommon. Given you have a nanny, I’m assuming you both have fairly senior roles to earn the salaries needed so long days can be par for the course. Not necessarily defending him but the PP who are counting out his contracted 8 hour days are assuming his job allows him to do that.

Hey DH I want to split the shifts it's not fair I'm doing everything.

Do you want 3 late finishes or 3 late starts?

If he starts work at 9.30 and works until 5, that makes 7 working hours and 30 mins lunch. I presume he works a 7 hour day.

Also core hours of 10-4 means he must work flexi time so could do one longer day to build up time for a shorter day or enough time for a day off each month. He's dodging parenting.

I totally get not being a morning person; I’m not and often hubby does the morning grind. But your DH can always leave work at 4, be home for dinner and once kids in bed, like a true owl (and half decent parent and husband), continue working.

So, if this is how he has to play things as a career then that is all well and good. If adjustments wouldn’t have an effect on career prospects, then you need to discuss it.

I’m married to a lawyer, he is usually at work by 8:30am and back 7:30/8:00. When DC was small he did nursery/school drop offs. My work more flexible.

I've told this story on here before but I used work on a bank of desks with 3 blokes- 1 told his wife he couldn't possibly finish work before 7 every Friday night as he was 'needed'- place would fall apart by all accounts! total bullshit.

He could have been home by 5.30 no problem but chose not to. Another one admitted he fucked up chores/cooking on purpose so she would take over as he was so 'incompetent' Before anyone says it yes I called them out and told them they were being twats. I was the supervisor as well so always told 7pm guy he should go home at 5pm and give his poor DW some respite. She worked full time too but it was OK for her to juggle everything.

Some people work better in the afternoon, fair enough. But I'd be asking him to be present for 1 meal a day - breakfast or dinner. His choice.
If he'd rather work late then he can be there for breakfast and do the nursery drop off. That's fair then. It just means he will have to be up earlier than he'd like to be.
I'm an owl and I've trained myself to be an early bird. Not because I want to be, but because I had to for work. You can retrain your body clock, but you have to want or need to.