to think DH could change his hours to be more family friendly?

[auberginefortea]

First world problem, but something that niggles me.

DH works in a company which essentially has core hours (10-4) and we live around 20 minutes from his work. We have two young children (1 and 3).

On a typical day, he leaves home at 8.45 to 9ish and he comes home around 7.30pm. Our 3 year old goes to nursery and I work at home (we're fortunate enough to have a nanny for the 1 year old). Nanny starts at 8.30 and then I leave to drop our 3 year old off at nursery at 8.30-8.40.

What annoys me is that by being a relatively late starter, DH is neither present for breakfast (he's getting ready) nor for dinner during the week. If he were to get into the office earlier, and leave at 6-6.30, so he could at least have one meal with his family. There's no need (from what I can tell) for him to be in the office until at least 7pm every day.

I've mentioned this to him, but he says he's an owl (which I don't dispute), but I feel he's missing out on family dinner, which I'd like to an important part of the day.

AIBU?

Then he should do mornings.

My dh and I both work in jobs with similar flexibility. I generally start early and he finishes late, so is home at a similar time to your DH. This isn't ideal as he misses dinner most nights, however he does take most of the responsibility for school runs in the morning. OP I don't understand why your husband can't be present in the morning and help with school runs. Also, since his work hours are flexible couldn't he start early and finish early once a week at least?

I don't understand why he can't be with you at breakfast, if he's an owl who likes to work late. Why is he leaving the house an hour before he needs to?

Actually I'm really curious now, when does he wake up and what does he do until he leaves? Most 1 and 3yo won't sleep that late, so isn't he up for hours, getting ready?

Why is he leaving the house an hour before he needs to?

By 8.30 the nanny is there and 3yo in nursery, so not that much need for him to hang around. But he should either help with breakfast, or start early so he can finish by 4.

He's not up that early - our children aren't early risers - they get up around 7 to 7.30.

When I went back to work we sat down and worked out what we would each do. I made it very clear DH would be doing one end of the day.

You've allowed him to think sorting the childcare is all down to you and the nanny. You need to present him with choice for which end of the day he is going to cover.
Why can your DH not do the nursery run on the way to work?

Just another excuse from a man to avoid doing the daily grind.

Agree with this. So many threads about this sort of thing. If he's staying late he needs to help with the morning routine.

What time does he go to bed?

Does he lie in bed while you get everyone ready?

Is he taking himself for a nice quiet breakfast before he starts work for 10 whilst your running around? Thus meaning he has to stay until 6:30 to make his hours up instead of going in early.

What is he like of a weekend with your children?

This.

Tons of men do it.

No one in a standard office job needs to be there until 7pm every night.

It's no coincidence he arrives home when the drudge work is done.

He's deliberately avoiding cactus hour.
He doesn't want to be there for that bit of the day!

I would definitely insist on a change here. My DH catches up on work after the kids go to bed so he can be hands on in the mornings and evenings. They are the most stressful bits of the day! Also family dinner is very important, as you say. You can put your foot down here. He'll regret not doing his share when they're older and he's missed time with them and doesn't have such a close bond with them as you do.

He's not up that early - our children aren't early risers - they get up around 7 to 7.30

So even if he only gets up when kids do and leaves at 9, he spends 2 hours on getting himself ready?

You’re not unreasonable if he is a position to do this. Actually think he’s being quite selfish.

My husband chooses to start early to be finished at a decide time to have time with the kids and an evening with me.

I'm an owl too; I do my best work in the later afternoon/evening.

In this scenario, I'd do showers/breakfast/morning play/drop off with the kids, if I needed a fresh brain to do work (which my role does; sadly). I'd probably swap with DH at weekends, so he did the morning then and I gave my "best" hours to the kids in the evening then.

As both parents are working you could each be in charge of either the morning routine (waking them up / getting dressed / breakfast / brushing teeth etc) or the evening one (dinner / bath / pyjamas / teeth etc).
Really unfair for you to be in charge of both.

He's not working a normal day though is he? If he leaves at 8.45-9 and the office is 20 mins away he's there by 9.05/9.20 so should have hit an 8 hour day just after 5. If he gets in at 7.30 he's presumably leaving at 7.10 and working an extra two hours every day to avoid the kids?

By my reckoning DH must work 9(ish) to 6.30(ish). Not counting the commute That's a longer than average working day which is why he's around for less of the actual day.

I'd agree that he should try to shift his work hours that he's around at either breakfast or in the evening (or can he work flexi so that he builds up hours on one or two days?) though.

If his hours are reasonably flexible and he can start later, then he should be the one sorting the kids breakfasts out, getting them ready and then dropping them off at nursery and then you can get off to work early and then do the dinner etc after work.

Most couples would love this sort of arrangement as it’s much more family friendly but he’s just taking the piss and basically working it so he doesn’t do any actual parenting, which is not fair to you or his kids.

Nice for him that he gets to opt out of the drudge work of parenting. You get the morning and night time routine and he can just continue his life like he never had kids.

My DH gets up at 6am with our kids. Gets them breakfast and brings me a cup of tea in bed. Once they are finished breakfast, he showers and gets ready. IF he has time, he will either do Kumon with our eldest, or read school books with the youngest. I will then change the children and get them ready for the day. He leaves the house at 7am. He finishes work at 4pm, gets home for 4:45pm and will get stuck in the second he is home.

Men like your (not so darling)H, are just time wasters who want an easy life away from the daily struggle of kids.

Of course he could, he doesn't want to. I spent 23 years working in the corporate world, predominantly with men. Many worked completely unnecessarily long hours just to avoid going home until DC were in bed.

He's opting out

You do all the drudge, that's YOUR job as a woman

Right?

Sorry, just seen you have a nanny so I've lost all sympathy for you