Feeling its the end of my marriage

[Feelinglostatsea]

Hi all, long time member but name changed because i dont want to be identified and im sorry to say im ashamed of whats happening.

I have been with my 'DH' 15 years, married 10 years and we have 3 beautiful DCs with a bonus 4th DC due in June.

Over the past few months things between us have gotten very rocky, i can't seem to do anything right no matter how hard i try, our DCs are aged between 7 and 2 (so this may have something to do with it?) My OH works long shifts and a really strange shift pattern and it takes him an hour each way to get to work, so when he is on shift he is out of the house for at least 14 hours and doesnt want to contribute much when he gets home with either the house, cooking, chores or the kids. All those things are left to me. When we had 1 DC i still worked FT to oay for nursery and bring money into the home, however as there are now 3 (soon to be 4) we talked about it and we basically couldn't afford me to work FT so i left my FT role 2 years ago and started a job to work around school hours and nursery for the youngest. I basically only work 3 hours a day so 15 hours a week and then sort the kids and house out. I 'sacrificed' a really good job i loved and was good at for my family, i do not regret that at all but i am now resenting my OH.
As things between us have gotten worse, he has changed into someone i do not recognise and im worried the love has gone.

He insults almost everything i do, is very critical of me and anything i do. We don't talk or do anything as a couple anymore, as we dont have anyone around to help with the kids (that are willing to help) even for a few hours so we can spend time as just us, not just mum and dad.

Things have come to ahead tonight when he told me im a bad mum and I'm pathetic and worthless. I didnt fight or argue back, i just sat there stunned. What he said cut me deeply. I just wanted to break down and cry, but as the DCs where in the house i did nothing. I just had this feeling of, i guess loss? Wash over me and i felt lost.

I know i am BVU to expect the world from my OH, but I dont ask for help, i dont ask for anything from him and im lost as to how we got to where we are. I dont stop him doing anything he wants to do, as he's a grown ass man. I dont do the things i would like to, as im the default parent because thats how life turned out for us with him been the breadwinner.

What do i do? He won't talk to me and i have nowhere to go, and cant afford to simply up and leave. Im not named on the mortgage and i dont receive any benefits. I say i work 15 hours a week but some weeks it can be alot less and more like 6, it depends on his shifts to help me by picking up DC from nursery.

I just need to know it gets better?

If you are married you would be able to stay in the house (according to the police officer who dealt with my husband once)

What's his reasons for calling you a bad mum and worthless and so on?

Does it get better? Honestly, with a fourth child, no. Children greatly add to stress, sorry you've in this position

This sounds like coercive control and you need to understand what's really going on. He puts you down, makes you feel stupid and insecure, and yet you are caring for three young children and carrying your fourth. You've given up an independent life which you did competently, but now he's making you feel inadequate. He doesn't do anything to help you and it sounds as though he's not much of a caring dad. You need to get out. This is not going to get better. The mortgage may not be in your name, but you have a right to your share of his property. It will be tough, but once you're away from him you'll realise that you're stronger than you think.

People can resort to nasty name calling when tired, stressed but they put that right, they apologise and they try harder to stop it happening again. I don’t know how you come back from spiteful language, I wouldn’t be able to have him hold me or touch me again. Most of the post is the reality of young children and childcare but the abuse as that is what it is, takes this to another level.

Why did you keep having children?

It literally says they've been married for 10 years in the OP.

This sounds terrible OP. I'm sending support, very sorry you're going through this. He's behaving in a very abusive way. Can I ask why you're not on the mortgage given you're married with three kids?

This

Why did you keep having children?

Wow what a helpful and insightful comment. That will really help OP! 🙄

It does make you wonder though

Because shocking as this may seem to the people of Mumsnet, he wasnt always like this. I would've left ling ago if he was. Its literally been a 180° since January.

I was, up to that point, in what i thought was a solid, stong, loving marriage. We havent 'kept' having children, we have taken precautions to not expand the family further and where both suprised to be told we are expecting again.

Yeah but you have to admit it was a bit strange. Like they are already in a stressful situation with three kids all under 7, the marriage under strain, and they decide to add a fourth child? It makes me wonder, though, if the OP's husband is setting her up to fail, or if it is more mutual. The answer to why they decided to have another child may help OP.

Because like i said, we have been together a long time and I thought we where in a happy situation. This has changed over the last 3 months.

You need to be honest with yourself. Your problems sound like they started long before January. Your life was difficult together before then which I sympathise with but really cannot understand going ahead with a 4th pregnancy when your life already had so many stresses and strains. Maybe you need to have a good talk to your husband about his feelings re this 4th pregnancy because maybe you are both resenting each other.

It wasnt a stressful situation, it worked for us.
We didnt 'decide' to have another, we where taking precautions! Its just happened
But obviously that answer wont wash with MN

Any chance he could have met someone else? I know everyone will jump on me, but that's the main reason for a man doing a 180 degree personality change. Or - is he secretly stressed he could lose his job, or worried about supporting another mouth. You need to sit him down and have it out with him. If he says it's nothing though, or youre imagining things, cherchez la femme.

If the change has been this brutal and severe since January then you need to get to the bottom of why. People generally don’t turn into what could be objectively described as abusive overnight, and the fact that you are saying he has changed so abruptly and dramatically suggests something else at play beyond your marriage.

Is he in debt, has work changed, an affair, illness? Is there anything else beyond your relationship that explains why overnight he’s turned so vile towards you. I am also categorically not making excuses for his behaviour because what you’ve said he’s called you is horrendous. Simply for your own sanity I would want to know in your shoes why the man I loved is acting in such a way, whether it’s just time to leave the relationship or if anything can be salvaged. To be honest, personally I’d struggle to move past the things he’s said and how he’s treated you.

Citizens advice can give some indication of where you stand legally and financially I’d be getting advice to depending on if you’re married or not.

In my personal experience, when a man does a 180 there is another woman involved. Sorry, OP. You've been married 10 years so you're entitled to child maintenance for all children and 1/2 of marital assets, regardless of who paid for them. You can negotiate a payout of equity or force a sale. You are also entitled to 1/2 of the pension benefits accrued, savings and brokerage account balances, etc. See a solicitor.

Hang on, you just said that your DH doesn't help around the house because he works too many hours, and also that you had to give up a full time job because of childcare, and now you are saying that things 'aren't stressful'. That sounds contradictory to me.

It doesn't sound like it to me in this case. Worry about another child is more likely.

Honestly, people! The op sounds like she's a tough time and comments like why did you have more children and why aren't you named on the paperwork? Don't help.They belittle and demean someone when they are already low. Grow up!

First of all, I think you should probably speak to a solicitor. Most offer free consultations. Information is power, whether you choose to use it or not. But knowing what you're entitled to and how to access it is paramount.

As for your marriage, it sounds like you both have a lot going on. While your resenting him for giving up your career, can he also have had resentment building? I'm not saying it's right, but there sounds like there's a fair amount of contempt from both sides.

It's not easy for either of you. You are both sacrificing a hell of a lot for your family. He should not have spoken to you the way he has. It's unacceptable. Was it out of anger, or was it meant? But it's possibly forgivable if you can both sit down and talk it out. May be look at counselling.

You've both been together for a long time, and marriages are hard work. If you can see a way back to each other, even a small possibility I'd personally try to explore that. If it doesn't work out, then you know you have tried for your sake and your children's.

Whatever happens, I hope it's the best outcome for you.

Why did he say you were a bad mom? What were you talking about that lead up to that comment?

I think you have to insist on being spoken to respectfully, demand an apology. I've definitely said things I regret but never that bad, they sound really hurtful.

Having young children is exhausting and tough on your marriage, I think you might try to focus on finding a way to spend some time alone together regularly. It's hard when you have little support from your network but you may be able to pay for some support? Go easy, maybe just to a movie at first, get comfy with one another again. See if you want to stay or go. It's your choice because you need to live with the consequences.

Take your time and trust your instincts

I'm sure things get easier as children get older, but if your husband is mean to you, chuck him out of your life.

Good luck OP