Feeling its the end of my marriage

[Feelinglostatsea]

Hi all, long time member but name changed because i dont want to be identified and im sorry to say im ashamed of whats happening.

I have been with my 'DH' 15 years, married 10 years and we have 3 beautiful DCs with a bonus 4th DC due in June.

Over the past few months things between us have gotten very rocky, i can't seem to do anything right no matter how hard i try, our DCs are aged between 7 and 2 (so this may have something to do with it?) My OH works long shifts and a really strange shift pattern and it takes him an hour each way to get to work, so when he is on shift he is out of the house for at least 14 hours and doesnt want to contribute much when he gets home with either the house, cooking, chores or the kids. All those things are left to me. When we had 1 DC i still worked FT to oay for nursery and bring money into the home, however as there are now 3 (soon to be 4) we talked about it and we basically couldn't afford me to work FT so i left my FT role 2 years ago and started a job to work around school hours and nursery for the youngest. I basically only work 3 hours a day so 15 hours a week and then sort the kids and house out. I 'sacrificed' a really good job i loved and was good at for my family, i do not regret that at all but i am now resenting my OH.
As things between us have gotten worse, he has changed into someone i do not recognise and im worried the love has gone.

He insults almost everything i do, is very critical of me and anything i do. We don't talk or do anything as a couple anymore, as we dont have anyone around to help with the kids (that are willing to help) even for a few hours so we can spend time as just us, not just mum and dad.

Things have come to ahead tonight when he told me im a bad mum and I'm pathetic and worthless. I didnt fight or argue back, i just sat there stunned. What he said cut me deeply. I just wanted to break down and cry, but as the DCs where in the house i did nothing. I just had this feeling of, i guess loss? Wash over me and i felt lost.

I know i am BVU to expect the world from my OH, but I dont ask for help, i dont ask for anything from him and im lost as to how we got to where we are. I dont stop him doing anything he wants to do, as he's a grown ass man. I dont do the things i would like to, as im the default parent because thats how life turned out for us with him been the breadwinner.

What do i do? He won't talk to me and i have nowhere to go, and cant afford to simply up and leave. Im not named on the mortgage and i dont receive any benefits. I say i work 15 hours a week but some weeks it can be alot less and more like 6, it depends on his shifts to help me by picking up DC from nursery.

I just need to know it gets better?

A survey was done, asking people what the most important thing for a happy relationship was.

Divorced people said communication.
Happily married people said respect.

He doesn't respect you any more. I agree, your marriage is over. You need to start looking at what your options are.

Best of luck.

Yes and they have been together 15 years yet mortgage is solely in his name - sounds a cause of stress in the marriage to me when one partner has the financial security and the career and the other one has very little financial security.

This. 4 children one after the other is going to break anyone.

They’re married so it doesn’t matter whose name the mortgage is in. The house is a joint asset.

Do you suspect he's met someone else?

His actions would suggest so.

Post in the relationships board, there's a lot of posters that have been through similar and can offer support and advice.

This was the first thing that came to mind.

Other possible explanations;:

• he is deeply worried about being the main breadwinner for such a large family
• maybe his job is not entirely secure
• could he be blaming the OP for the contraceptive failure
• lastly..... chercher la femme...

But you need to have a proper talk.

However, I'd also put a plan in place for leaving the marriage. Getting a thorough understanding of all financial matters. Checking out Wikivorce to get an idea of practicalities.

Looking to return to your career and eventually working FT. The latter is a tall order and may take a couple of years, but it's better to plan and be prepared. Maybe take some courses and gain qualifications if and when you can muster up the energy.

Hopefully the relationship can be saved, but better to have those ducks lined up just in case.

If it's a big change since January then it seems like it may be a current stress. Is that around when you found out about the pregnancy? That does seem like a big unexpected situation for you both.

Obviously he's not treating you well, but if it's a sudden change then I would want to know what's going on with him.

My thoughts are that he has met someone else too, as the change has been so sudden

I could be wrong but I don’t think it works like that, as in you don’t always get 50/50, as the house is in his name.
Are you on the council tax account Op…

If things have changed in the last three months that isn’t very long, you say prior to this you were happy. What led up to him calling you a bad mother?
How did he react when you announced you were pregnant?
Secondly any chance that he’s started an affair?

Also, yes, what @PaminaMozart said. Get into a better position if you can in case.

As you're married it doesn't matter that your name isn't on the mortgage. The house will be included as part of the marital assets.

It does work like that when they’re married. It’s not automatically 50:50, as it depends what other marital assets there are, but as the lower earner OP is highly unlikely to get less than 50% of the equity in the house. All assets are marital assets and will be divided as such. Whether her name is on the council tax is irrelevant.

People are talking about the house being part of the marital assets but that's a divorce thing.

I was talking more in terms of tensions within the marriage. OP's partner seems to have more power and status in the relationship which I imagine would cause underlying tension. He may feel psychologically like "my house" and "my career" and what does the wife have? A very part time job that fits in around the children and no equal partnership on the mortgage documentation. It's an imbalance of power which must surely have been felt before January.

If he has changed recently then it’s either number 4 has broken the camels back and he’s had enough, or cherchez la femme. Sorry op. I’d get legal advice - if you are going to break up with 4 kids to think about, you need to be prepared.

@Feelinglostatsea

I would get this moved to Relationships, as you're not getting a very sympathetic response here.

Go see CAB and get a good idea of where you stand, secure all your paperwork and look after yourself. Seek support irl from your friends and family.

I think you need legal advice. I also think you need to start an exit fund. Do you have access to joint money? Can you do shopping and get cash back and slowly build up a reserve. Honestly, I'd be surprised if he isn't shagging someone else or thinking about it. Unfortunately, you are very vulnerable. You'll get stuck holding the babies doing shit jobs that work around the children while he gets to pursue his career. But that's no different to now is it? At least you won't have to put up with him.

If your a shit mum why does he continue to allow you to be the default parent? Why foes he chose not to parent while his home? It's all divert and deflect tactics.

Oh aren’t you two being helpful? She said it started in the past few months, presumably when she was already pregnant. Perhaps abstain from commenting if you can’t say anything constructive or supportive? OP is in a very difficult position and needs help to navigate it.

OP, this is very hard, but as others have mentioned you may be entitled to more than you think, should you choose to leave him (which would be better than continuing to endure this kind of behaviour). I’m sorry he’s being so unfair and harsh. It will not be easy for the next few years when the kids are so small, but think about whether you might feel better away from the drumbeat of his cold, nasty criticism.

You made the decision to continue with the pregnancy. Why are women so passive about pregnancy? It's not inevitable to have a baby just because you get pregnant.

If he's genuinely had a personality change over the past 3 months then I would put money on that he's having an affair I'm afraid.

I'm not sure the DH has got time for an affair. He's shift working and has an hour each way to work. He's out of the house for 14 hours at a time, unless he's not being truthful about where he is. The more mundane reality is that he's probably knackered, not enjoying his job very much and shit scared he's going to have 4 kids to provide for very shortly. Might also be why he said awful things to you tonight. It doesn't excuse what he said, but he might be under a lot of pressure here as main bread winner. Just offering a different perspective.

It isn’t necessarily easy to make a decision to terminate. I’m very much pro-choice but I wouldn’t judge anyone for deciding to continue with a pregnancy any more than I would for choosing to terminate.

He’s either having some kind of breakdown or he’s having an affair. Complete personality change in two months? Nasty verbal abuse? Something else is going on here.

Many decisions in life aren't easy, but it's still a decision. Saying 'oops it just happened' erases the fact that it's a choice.

Sounds like he's hoping you will end it so that he doesn't look like a bastard walking out on a wife and 4 kids. He doesn't sound nice. How will you support yourself when the marriage ends? Is there any scope for returning to your career after the next baby is born? You will need some sort of a plan, even if it involves benefits in the short term.

I think he's worried about being the main breadwinner to 4 kids, and I can understand why.
Can you go back to work in a year or two when the older 3 are in school and there's only 1 set of childcare to pay for?

You're having 4 kids, make sure there definitely isn't any more, get contraception sorted as a priority when baby comes.
It sounds very difficult for you , can anyone help with childcare ever occasionally? Take any help offered with both hands. Good luck 💐