Feeling its the end of my marriage

[Feelinglostatsea]

Hi all, long time member but name changed because i dont want to be identified and im sorry to say im ashamed of whats happening.

I have been with my 'DH' 15 years, married 10 years and we have 3 beautiful DCs with a bonus 4th DC due in June.

Over the past few months things between us have gotten very rocky, i can't seem to do anything right no matter how hard i try, our DCs are aged between 7 and 2 (so this may have something to do with it?) My OH works long shifts and a really strange shift pattern and it takes him an hour each way to get to work, so when he is on shift he is out of the house for at least 14 hours and doesnt want to contribute much when he gets home with either the house, cooking, chores or the kids. All those things are left to me. When we had 1 DC i still worked FT to oay for nursery and bring money into the home, however as there are now 3 (soon to be 4) we talked about it and we basically couldn't afford me to work FT so i left my FT role 2 years ago and started a job to work around school hours and nursery for the youngest. I basically only work 3 hours a day so 15 hours a week and then sort the kids and house out. I 'sacrificed' a really good job i loved and was good at for my family, i do not regret that at all but i am now resenting my OH.
As things between us have gotten worse, he has changed into someone i do not recognise and im worried the love has gone.

He insults almost everything i do, is very critical of me and anything i do. We don't talk or do anything as a couple anymore, as we dont have anyone around to help with the kids (that are willing to help) even for a few hours so we can spend time as just us, not just mum and dad.

Things have come to ahead tonight when he told me im a bad mum and I'm pathetic and worthless. I didnt fight or argue back, i just sat there stunned. What he said cut me deeply. I just wanted to break down and cry, but as the DCs where in the house i did nothing. I just had this feeling of, i guess loss? Wash over me and i felt lost.

I know i am BVU to expect the world from my OH, but I dont ask for help, i dont ask for anything from him and im lost as to how we got to where we are. I dont stop him doing anything he wants to do, as he's a grown ass man. I dont do the things i would like to, as im the default parent because thats how life turned out for us with him been the breadwinner.

What do i do? He won't talk to me and i have nowhere to go, and cant afford to simply up and leave. Im not named on the mortgage and i dont receive any benefits. I say i work 15 hours a week but some weeks it can be alot less and more like 6, it depends on his shifts to help me by picking up DC from nursery.

I just need to know it gets better?

4 kids in a cost of living crisis and he's the main earner not surprised he is stresssd

So sorry you have been called a bad parent. I expect the stresses of long work hours and lots of mouths to feed probably caused it. Your DH being short etc is probably stress related and an unexpected 4th baby might be more than he thinks he can cope with. It can affect relationships like that, I have known a few marriages where the 4th or 5th baby under a certain age comes along and one of the parents walls out as they can’t take it anymore.

As for your home how is your name not on the mortgage? If you were married at the time? I bought my home with my partner and we are both joint tenants and both on the mortgage so I’m unclear Hoe you buy a house like that? A trip to a solicitors may help as I’m sure even if you are not named on the mortgage as you are married you would be entitled to some of the equity from your home as obviously the children need somewhere to live.

congratulations on your baby bump and try to look forward to the baby’s arrival.

If I’m going to be kind about your husband I would say he’s completely stressed out and overwhelmed and is simply taking it out on you. Not right or acceptable, but we all have a breaking point and maybe he’s at his? Maybe he’s worried about how he’s going to provide/ how you’re both going to make ends meet? Maybe he’s tired of just being dad and was looking forward to the kids getting older so you could get more time together? I’m not trying to excuse his behaviour, but let’s not forget that men have feelings too!

I really hope you are right @MiltonNorthern but this wasn’t a friend’s experience- far from it.

Some of this doesn't apply where i live

OP hasn't said which country she lives in

I'm sorry to say but it definitely sounds like he has met someone else and he is now trying to rewrite history and find fault with you in order to assuage any guilt and justify an affair to himself.

No matter how busy working you think he is, he will be able to make time for an affair. They always do.

Get your ducks in a row. Make sure you have knowledge of all financials. Photograph any paperwork. As long as you are married, whose name is on the mortgage is irrelevant. As you fear your marriage is over anyway, snoop through his phone if you can.

I think it’s the 4th kid too. Just ask him where this is coming from.

Feel like he's in a uniformed role where affairs are rife?

He’s fleeing the pressure of home and has met someone else. That’s why he’s being a cunt to you. I’m really sorry. The timing is appalling.

To answer some of the questions, i was getting the contraceptive injection and somehow it has ended early this time, the doctor has said this happens sometimes. There where/are no antibiotics, no drinking, no drugs (before people jump to this conclusion) its literally failed as a method, we found out when i was booked for routine blood tests and the news came back then, i was booked in for my next injection.

Its a religious reason that we would not consider termination.

YES i am the default traditional mother role, normally family helps with family rearing where we live, but we do not have this as an option.

I will snoop on his phone.

As much as people dont want to believe me, we where perfectly happy and content, we are due in a few months and we where both nervous but feeling blessed, then since January its like a personality transplant. He has never acted like this.

He said those things after a disagreement about him working away for a few days when he knew i had plans (i dont really make over night plans, but some mum friends are going to a villa maybe an hour away on the coast to celebrate a big birthday for a weekend and i was going for 2 days and 1 night)

So he works 14 hour days and you were going to leave him with three kids under 7 to deal with for a weekend? How much was that going to cost?

I would be unimpressed with you too.

Oh. He was looking forward to being away for a few days and you scuppered his plans? His personality change may indicate that his interests are outside the home at the moment. Had he been taking a bit more interest in his appearance of late? Just a thought.

Shockingly, Yes i was! He is their father and is also capable of looking after them/ keeping them alive as a parent for two days! Strike me down now for having a slight life outside of my DCs. Its a PLANNED trip for the past 2 years! We strangely knew the date because its a big birthday weekend.

Its cost nothing for accommodation as its a 'second home' of one of the mums, its a family owned villa they use. we are all chipping in a few € for food and drink, we have nothing planned other than sun, sea and slobbing!

WTF? Why shouldn’t he look after his own kids for a days while the OP has a short break?

Sorry i need to add YES he works 12 hour shifts, but its not a 5 on 4 off situation. He works a crazy set of shifts and this was booked based on him having 13 days OFF as per his works rota because he had done 6 days in 2 days off and then 5 days in, this is ALWAYS followed by 13 days off.

It wouldn’t matter if he didn’t have all those days off in a row, there is absolutely no reason a father can’t look after his own children for a couple of days while you go away.

Some men want children to be absolutely zero inconvenience to their working lives/personas, so him not wanting to go back to his work/boss and cancel the trip may be the reason.

However I am another who suspects he's met someone else and trying to reframe you as the villain. The ex-wife is so often labelled "crazy" or "lazy", right?

@MrWilyFoxIsBack it’s outrageous when pesky women try to leave the sink they are chained to ON THE MAN’S MONEY and the great penis haver is expected to parent their own children. Being a mother means never leaving the house, never having a life and never asking the co parent to parent afterall.

If you are a woman I seriously hope you deal with your misogyny sooner rather than later. If you are a man, I hope women give you a very wide berth.

So he said he's working away when you know he has 13 days off? Sounds very suss. I hope you're still going on that trip!

Somethings going on with him. Just try and get a bit of a peaceful time to pick when he’s not shattered after work and have a good chat and ask him.
I’m sorry things are tough for you right now.

Hm.
I'm really sorry for not being helpful here.
However, meeting someone else as a father
of soon 4 small children - why and who would go for this?
Not being a b*, genuinely wondering.

Leave. You can’t come back from someone calling you a bad mum. There’s no point to this man.

Gwr a solicitor and get rid of him.

Op im very sorry to say this but my ex started behaving like this when i was expecting dc 4 and it turns out he was having an affair!

Lots of people seem to manage to do this though. Even physically repulsive wife beaters often manage to find women far out of their league without any problems

Sounds like a horrible situation.
Something that stood out for me is the passive way you listened to him telling you you were a bad mum etc.
Would you have done that pre kids or rightly said oi don’t speak to me like that.
I think this shows you’ve been ground down over many years to just absorb the insults and put downs - I bet he hasn’t been as nice as you think throughout your marriage.