To feel 22 hours a week at work is too much?

[EnglishHamlet]

I have 2 DC both in primary school.
1 has diagnosed SEN which requires a lot of input from me, the other has undiagnosed stuff going on which causes a lot of behaviour, mental and emotional input from me.
They both attend primary school full/normal days. They'd actually both benefit emotionally from a reduced timetable but Head Teacher says they don't fit the criteria for that as they're both high functioning. Anyway that's another story.
I work 22 hours a week during school hours.
It really feels like too much. I'm under constant strain and pressure. It's really full on at home and it's really full on at work.
I keep trying to do my best, keep thinking I'm lucky to work 22 hours and not full time hours.
DH works ridiculously long hours. He gets home hours later than his contracted time to finish due to immense workload which is never going to improve.
So I do everything re looking after the DC and everything at home too re domestic stuff.
By the time DH gets home they're fast asleep in bed, I've done all homework with DC, taken them to the park, cooked dinner, bathed them, read stories to them, settled them to sleep, then after their bedtime I've done the housework and tidied up everywhere by myself, put laundry away etc., and this is after having got up at 6am to get DC ready for school, breakfast, packed lunches, taken them to school then gone straight to work straight after drrop off to do a highly demanding job whilst DC are at school then finish and go straight to school to pick DC up. By the time DH walks in at 9pm I'm absolutely frazzled. He walks in and I haven't stopped since 6am. I have 1 day off a week and spend it sorting things out at home, laundry, cleaning, life admin, etc.
Can't reduce hours as we need the money. All the late evenings DH does are unpaid, he gets his salary (middle earner) and is expected to do the job no matter how long that takes, his workload is colossal.
So AIBU to feel like 22 hours a week of work is too much? I feel like I'm being such a princess even asking this question. But I'm burning out!!!
Edited for typos.

Agree with everyone else - your husband is the reason you are struggling to cope.

He's staying late at work to avoid being at home. He's not even getting paid. He's an alcoholic and he's unreliable. He's shown he can get home at a reasonable time when he wants to go drink more alcohol with a friend. But not when you need him.

He's an absolute arsehole. I imagine quite a lot of your energy goes on a) trying to get him to change and b) resentment.

Oh OP this is really sad, so when he is home he spends a bit more time outside having a drink. On a weekend he hides in the garage drinking? This isn't normal.

Men do have a knack or normalising stuff like this but it's not. What if you were hiding in the garage having a sneaky drink or sitting in the car downing a can whilst he was inside with the kids?

Your husband's job is the problem. You don't need to tie yourself in knots over this. Its his problem to address. He is capable of applying for a different position that is more child friendly.

I don't think he has to work those hours OP- I suspect he's avoiding being home because he also finds a young family with needs hard to cope with or nipping for a drink and then giving it time so you can't tell

I don't have SEN children but I was working 25 hours per week Monday-Friday 9-2 and I found it too much as it was every day going to work.
I've changed to 2 long days and 1 short day and Monday and Friday off works much better for me and my family

It is only partly the job. The majority of the problem is the husband's choices.

@EnglishHamlet I don't think you are being unreasonable OP one bit- but I do think he's treating you like a mug

I'm so sorry. I can see why you're exhausted.

Sadly this thread has uncovered another man with poor organisation who is probably choosing extra hours to cover up this issue at work, which he is happy to do because it gives him time off from the family and a get out of jail free card.

He is showing signs of alcoholism.

He isnt willing to change. He has demonstrated this by not changing since kids or cutting back on drink and then making out like you're unreasonable for being upset. Your family is this priority. You all come after work and drinking.

It's really up to you what you do with that information.

You can love someone and know that its bot sustainable for another 20 years.

It's not about your hours, it's about you being two parents with the added problem of fitting around him. If you werent fitting around him, youd be amazed at how much happier you would be as a mum and as a person.

Your children would see more of him if you did split up and you would get a break too.

I see this on MN all the time and it's obviously well meaning, but it's not helpful. In the event of a separation OP won't be able to compel her DH to spend more time, or any time, with his children. Even with a court order the non-resident parent can't be forced to spend time with their DC. Since he's a selfish twat who doesn't prioritise his family now, there's really no evidence that he would prioritise contact with his DC if they split up. Sadly, I've worked with a number of children whose Dad's are supposed to have them EOW but don't see them for weeks or even months on end.

That's not to say OP shouldn't LTB. In her shoes, I'd probably be making an exit plan. But I think it's a mistake to assume she'd automatically get EOW and one weeknight off because I'd be willing to bet something would frequently 'come up at work' when it was his day to have them. If I was OP I would also have serious concerns about leaving my children in the care of a man who is obviously an alcoholic with no other adult present.

I've asked him to stop drinking so much, so now he drinks in secret on his way home. I smell it on his breath when he walks in. I find empty beer cans in his car, and hidden in our garage, and pushed to the back of our cupboards.....he gets home late, drinks on his way home, drinks indoors, then hides them from me every night because I keep asking him to drink less.
I confronted him about this and he said it's my fault for going on at him to drink less. He said if I didn't keep on making him feel bad for drinking then he wouldn't have to do it in secret and hide the empty cans/bottles of beer.

This is classic alcoholic behaviour. Blaming you, too.

I have to be really careful. If I start saying how late we are, he starts shouting and screaming at me, it triggers him

he really changes after just 1 pint, in a bad way, which makes me feel nervous.

These are examples of domestic abuse, OP. Verbal and emotional abuse.

His job is a problem, but more than that, his attitude, abuse and alcoholism are the bigger problem. He's not going to change, he's not interested in changing - he's not interested in family life. He always prioritises work and alcohol over his family.

Let that sink in, and think about what you're going to do about it. It's no way for you and your children to live, that's for sure.

https://al-anon.org/

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/alcohol_and_domestic_violence.html

I’m agreeing with everyone saying it’s your dh workload thats the issue here. I would fear he will burn out also. Your job will be much easier to manage if he reduces his hours. Can he request a transfer? I think he needs to or start looking for work elsewhere

To me 22 hours working a week sounds lovely and completely manageable. l work 33.5 hours a week, have 2 pre-school children and we can only afford 2 days of childcare. The problem is your husbands hours, sounds like he is swerving family time and is very self absorbed. You might not like the road this thread has gone down but the problem is him. I have friends who have 2 children at school and work 37.5 hours a week, difference is their husbands aren’t opting out

I think you might be spot on.

You don't need permission to say that you're exhausted and nearing burn out. You're not being a wuss and you're not lazy. You're under tremendous pressure and you need some help. I don't know what the solution is. If I did I'd have taken it already as I feel similar and I hope MN is a source of support and not judgement.

Personally, I've completely given up on the garden, a social life, most exercise and all but the most basic of housework. I'm literally holding on til the kids leave! That said, they are now my domestic helpers.

I hope things get easier for you

Hi OP. I just wanted to share my experience of alcoholism. I am a recovering alcoholic, having been clean and sober for 6 years and 7 months. I would use any excuse in the world to drink; depressed? Let's have a drink! Stressed? Let's have a drink! Had a good day? Let's have a drink! When people close to me were on my case, I started to do the secret drinking; hiding bottles; drinking gin and then filling the bottle back up with water; nothing stopped me. It turned me into a nasty, bitter person , who spitted vitriol at the people I loved most. I stopped when I hit rock bottom, that being my family didn't want me over for Christmas and I spent 3 days on my own, drunk out of my skull. I decided I couldn't carry on this way and went to AA. It doesn't work for everyone, but it worked for me. My point is that only your DH can be the one to turn his drinking around, nobody else. He is putting alcohol before you and your DC's and will continue to do so until he reaches his rock bottom, if ever. If he doesn't, it will only get much much worse for you and your DC's. I'd seriously consider getting your ducks in a row and get out while you still can. You never know, it may be what kicks him into touch. If it doesn't, you'll be free to live a life without constantly walking on eggshells, worried about 'waking the beast '. I wish you all the luck in the world 💐

Congratulations on getting sober. How long is it for you?

OP, I hope you're OK today xxx

Thank you so much! I've been sober since the 4th of August 2017 so 6 years and 7 months. It's very hard, even now, but so worth it! 😊

How can they adore him if they never see him. He’s more like a favorite uncle.

Because that's where your problems come from.

My DH and I both work clinical jobs in the NHS. Do you think I would be able to post here saying I opt out of family life for "patient safety"? No of course I couldn't, clearly someone needs to parent and feed kids, wash clothes, clean the house. Therefore, my husband doesn't either. Unfortunately if there was a patient safety issue with us finishing at our contracted time, there are people way above either of us whose job it is to sort that out. He is avoiding you and his kids, plain and simple.

I dont blame you for feeling numb, you've been holding it all together for a man who doesn't give a fuck if you end up run into the ground. Personally I would go on complete strike. No discussion, no arguing, no crying and begging...none of that changes a thing, ever. Just stop doing anything for him. No meals, clean clothes, company, sex, conversation. He doesn't seem to care if he lets his marriage fall into the gutter and die, so let him have a taste of what it's like. Putting less thought and energy towards him will at least help you gather some energy to yourself.

I'm sorry to hear about the drinking too @EnglishHamlet . I suspect he is drink driving, whatever he might be telling you. I would honestly consider reporting him to the police before he kills someone.

That's an incredible achievement!! Well done!! Xx

Exactly. Even when he's there he's not a dad. Poor OP said that he was home at 7:30 and she was still putting the kids to bed herself at 8pm. Can't even step up on the rare occasions he's around.

Try going to bed very early every night at 9pm, then wake up an hour early at 5am. Use this extra hour between 5-6am purely for things that will bring you some much needed calm, headspace and time for yourself. This might be doing some exercise, meditation/prayer time, or journaling, whatever makes you feel good. Then start your day and notice how different you feel. You won’t be as available to your husband in the evenings, but by the sounds of it he’s not making himself especially available to you.

Also, I’d reach out to your boss/manager at work and explain how much pressure you’re under and see if there isn’t a different way to structure your working week. Perhaps a few days working from home if that’s a possibility might allow you to multitask the domestic chores with your work responsibilities? Going for a walk on your lunch break just to get some headspace and fresh air has also saved my bacon many a time when I was working in very stressful environments. And seek out a support group for parents who have children with SEN for some moral support and guidance as to how others cope.