To feel 22 hours a week at work is too much?

[EnglishHamlet]

I have 2 DC both in primary school.
1 has diagnosed SEN which requires a lot of input from me, the other has undiagnosed stuff going on which causes a lot of behaviour, mental and emotional input from me.
They both attend primary school full/normal days. They'd actually both benefit emotionally from a reduced timetable but Head Teacher says they don't fit the criteria for that as they're both high functioning. Anyway that's another story.
I work 22 hours a week during school hours.
It really feels like too much. I'm under constant strain and pressure. It's really full on at home and it's really full on at work.
I keep trying to do my best, keep thinking I'm lucky to work 22 hours and not full time hours.
DH works ridiculously long hours. He gets home hours later than his contracted time to finish due to immense workload which is never going to improve.
So I do everything re looking after the DC and everything at home too re domestic stuff.
By the time DH gets home they're fast asleep in bed, I've done all homework with DC, taken them to the park, cooked dinner, bathed them, read stories to them, settled them to sleep, then after their bedtime I've done the housework and tidied up everywhere by myself, put laundry away etc., and this is after having got up at 6am to get DC ready for school, breakfast, packed lunches, taken them to school then gone straight to work straight after drrop off to do a highly demanding job whilst DC are at school then finish and go straight to school to pick DC up. By the time DH walks in at 9pm I'm absolutely frazzled. He walks in and I haven't stopped since 6am. I have 1 day off a week and spend it sorting things out at home, laundry, cleaning, life admin, etc.
Can't reduce hours as we need the money. All the late evenings DH does are unpaid, he gets his salary (middle earner) and is expected to do the job no matter how long that takes, his workload is colossal.
So AIBU to feel like 22 hours a week of work is too much? I feel like I'm being such a princess even asking this question. But I'm burning out!!!
Edited for typos.

@Applescruffle omg I came along to ask the same as you. OP your thread has taken a rather different update since I last checked... I now have a different opinion.

I know this isn't what you want to hear BUT if he drinks on the way home he definitely would taken up an offer from a mate to go to the pub. I agree with time management there's always one colleague busy even when it's not busy!

Yes I think he is 100% piss poor at time management. 100%. He can't manage his time effectively at home. His self organisation levels are appalling to behold. I often watch him and wonder how on earth he manages to organise himself at work and his workload in such a responsible position which requires exemplary organisation and time management.
If we are meeting friends socially, if we are due to meet them at 2pm on a Saturday for example, at 1:55pm he will say "Right, I'm going for a shower!"
I say "But we're already late because of waiting for you! We are meant to be meeting in 5 mins! Why are you jumping in the xhower now????" He doesn't get it at all. He just says "I've got plenty of time stop going on at me!". Then we wait for 30 mins whilst he showers and dresses and then we arrive late, which kills me with embarrassment.
But I have to be really careful. If I start saying how late we are, he starts shouting and screaming at me, it triggers him, so I have to try not to complain when he makes us late for everything!
So if he's this poor at gjme management at work, which I think he is, then he will never learn how leave work on time.

I work 21 hours a week, 3 kids with SEN, and term time only. No you’re not wrong for feeling it is too much, it really is relentless.

However, OH works full time in demanding senior role and he still shares pick ups, medical appointments, cooking, laundry, shopping… we make sure we both get a couple of hours off /away from the house at least once a week,

Of course he could work more (and bits of his job are also around people safety) but he’s had to define strong boundaries around his work and life. He’s also seen the long term impact on me of doing it all with no help is too much (I was working full time and doing it all on top but had a severe mental health crisis which took years to recover from)

You’ve told your partner similar and yet he ignores it and tells you to feel grateful. You cutting your hours won’t help your OH realise the sheer amount of unpaid labour in your day. It will also impact on your pension and career progression.

No. Not at all.
But DC adore him unconditionally.
I can't separate them from him.
And I adore them unconditionally.
So I'm stuck.

IMO This is now a straight up LTB. The working late and refusing to change despite promising to, the secret drinking which he seems to blame on you, the shouting and swearing at you etc etc.
The more you have been responding the worse it sounds.

I’m sorry that you have so much on your plate and seem so overwhelmed. Also sending a hug x

One, you’re really a single parent and two, you’re married to a not so closet alcoholic.

He is completely useless. Leave him and make your life a whole lot easier.

The reason people are bringing up your DH is because he is the main issue.

He works long hours, many unpaid. He does not earn enough to financially support you to cut back on your hours, but is also unable to support you with the kids, due to his long hours/poor timekeeping/maybe drinking problem.

So if you say he won't change and you won't leave him as your children adore him (most children adore their dads), then that's that I guess.

Your children would see more of him if you did split up and you would get a break too.

He told you 'lots of dads work late and don't see their kids before bedtime'. Yes, sometimes this is the case, but I would guess a lot of these are also in highly paid roles meaning they can get a cleaner or pay for childcare or the other parent can work less. It's a trade off. But to work all the hours for free while you struggle at home? Nah...

When you say he drinks on the way home and you find the empty beer cans in the car, is he literally driving the car whilst swigging beer out of the can?? Sorry if I have misinterpreted this.

Oh OP with your updates you have to see that working less hours isn't the solution. It might help you be a bit less tired but you'll still experience the bone-weary soul-crushing exhaustion of being in all this on your own. You need a partner not someone that just shows up when they want, is aggressive to you, and drinks excessively. The only way for you to do better than just survive is to leave. You'd still have to cope as you do now a lot of the time but you'd get breaks when he had the DC, you'd have a chance of meeting a proper partner, and you could live your own life rather than be hanging around waiting on tenterhooks for him wondering when he'll come and what mood he will be in. DC will be sad you're not together but you can tell them they should get more quality time with their dad this way. Even if you don't feel ready to leave yet start getting your ducks in a row, consider a trial separation in case that shocks him into changing/helps you see how you cope etc.

Also OP I suspect the reason you're finding people mentioning uour DP depressing is 1) you know he won't change so you feel trapped in this cycle of exhaustion and 2) you know deep down the solution is leaving him, but that feels huge, scary, and impossible right now.

Leave him. Your updates make this now seem a necessity.
You’ll be amazed how your head will clear and how much better you will be and how much better you will cope. The children will be happy because you are.

He drives to shop on the way home which is about 5 min drive from home, then drinks a can whilst parked outside our house before coming in. He says it's because he's so stressed about his job. Says a beer helps him unwind from all the work stress. He really trivialised it. I keep walking in to the garage to get things, like DC bikes etc, and fi ding empty beer bottles or pint glasses with an inch of stale beer at the bottom. When I ask him about it, he says he has to drink in the garage because he knows I don't like him drinking indoors when the DC are up and awake (when he"s at home at weekends). It's true, I do get upset when he's drinking at 5pm on a Saturday and Sunday in front of the children when we haven't seen him all week. Gosh, the arguments we've had about it, I have asked him 1000 times if he could not drink at least until they are in bed, but he won't listen to me and says it's normal. The reason I ask him not to is a) because I think what if something happened to 1 of our DC and we suddenly needed to drive to hospital? (DC has a medical condition which can require urgent medical treatment) and b) he really changes after just 1 pint, in a bad way, which makes me feel nervous.

How do they adore him when they never see him?
Your life would almost certainly be a lot less stressful if you weren't trying to manage a relationship with a selfish, absent problem drinker.

They see him at weekends.
And when he's on annual leave.
And for about 30mins in the mornings.

If you’re unable to cope, you’re unable to cope! Reasonable doesn’t really come into it. Everyone has their own personal coping capacity, if you push yourself beyond yours you will, as you say, burn out. Burn out badly, and you could have what used to be termed a ‘mental breakdown’. So, your family need to make changes and it is not unreasonable to do so, in fact it is the only thing to do, really.

OP, I think you know what you need to do. I am sending you all the love and strength in the world ❤️❤️❤️

is he drinking and driving? you need to report that.

and dumb his sorry arse. But I won't write more because you won't do either and just carry on to enable the status quo. I have no idea why you bothered posting.

He doesn't want to be at home, parenting his dc. His choice is his job, to work extra hours that keep him away from his family and to drink.
He will not make any changes because he doesn't want to.
So life will continue as it is unless you make changes OP.
You might be better off as a single parent, claiming everything you can and ex dh having the dc every other weekend and one night every week.

Is he a doctor??

nope. I think non-clinical and not well paid.

I've seen your updates and think that perhaps this is a leave him situation. I am not surprised you arent coping as i thought it was a tough situation with a nice partner.

I agree you wont be able to make him behave differently.

I get your children adore him. But they can still adore him when he has them.

I don't know a huge amount about benefits but I think the rules around working with disabled children are different. I know dla doesnt relate to income..

Except the mornings this is pretty much exactly when they’ll see him when you separate. So nothing will
change for them except they won’t be exposed to regular tension between you both and you’ll be miles happier. Which you have to admit would be a good thing for them?

I’d be consolidating all the advice from NHS managers in this thread, and perhaps seeking out someone in real life who works in the NHS to give me the real picture. Then sitting down with him and telling him that there is no way I will accept his excuses about why work cannot change. His head is buried so far in the sand that only his toes are visible.

He has created a persona of “hard working life-saving martyr” and, frankly, all the criticism of how the NHS is on its knees is a bloody excellent excuse for him to work in this way and say it is not his fault and cannot change. Also very convenient his wife is not an NHS insider so “can’t possibly understand.

Ultimatum time. And bullshit that you need to stay with him for the kids. He does fuck all.

Because his work hours are the crux of your problem.