To let DD 13 move schools

[Bonnyswannie]

since year 8 dd’s behaviour has deteriorated
it’s a bit of everything she has some traumatic events last year on top of the usual friendships problems etc
for the last 6-8 months she has been desperate to move to another local school as she feels this is a fairer school (her school is very strict) and that she could focus on her learning the way things are going she is getting such a bad rep and her grades are declining.
I am worried about letting my dd dictate about certain things but on the other hand I wonder whether this may help the situation?

I wouldn't rule it out of hand, but I'd want to know why she's struggling at a strict school before looking to move her. If it was bullying or similar, then yes, move her, but "I don't like how they impose the rules" isn't a reason I'd be moving my secondary child. To me, it feels like she needs the structure.

Manybe see whether the other school has places for her year group, but also ask to speak to her current head of year about how you can work together to get her back in her stride again in her current school. I wouldn't be moving her just because she wants an easier ride. What's to say she won't try to just slack in the new school, because she can?

Also, what year is she? Reading your post again, it says she's had this since Year 8. If she's into Year 10, or her school start GCSEs in Year 9 I wouldn't be moving her.

If she’s 13, she’ll be year 8 or 9.

Are there spaces in the right year group in the other school?

If there was a space and she was able to transfer, I’d make it very clear that it was on condition that she got down to work and behaved appropriately.

I put my son on the waiting list for a school in year 8 and he never ever got offered a space. He's left school now.

If she moves schools now, will she be able to choose the gcse options she wants?

Yes she’s in year 8 so I want her settled by year 9

I'd move her if the reason is definitely the things she's saying, the other school is just as good but just different ethos and it's definitely not due to a relationship etc.

A fresh start can help.

Some kids take their problems with them.

Is her existing school providing pastoral or other support? What are the specific issues?

She’s gone from being well behaved to not
I think k it’s started as she got detentions from things like rolling her skirt forgetting her equipment now she’s barely in her lessons as it’s just escalated
some of her teachers are saying things like she’s not even trying, they won’t hear o go my concern that she struggles to focus
as she’s been in detention so much she’s now friends with girls in the year abovecwho are quite troublesome

The equipment one is an easy fix - you buy two lots of everything (calculator, ruler etc.) and one lot stays in her bag and is therefore always ready for school. Rolling her skirt, the school were always going to complain about. Can she wear trousers?

I'd go in and speak to the head of year and flag that some of the teachers seem to have written her off, and how can they help you give her a clean slate? They can also give you suggestions for her at lunchtime to keep her away from the girls in the year above. The school should be helping you with this.

My son asked for 2yrs to move school, from 11-13. It was absolutely the best thing for him, sometimes they really do know what they need to make the best if things.

I have a friend with a 13 year old who could be you OP. A fresh start could really help turn things around but it has to be on the proviso that she embraces this/stops infringing silly rules.

Sorry I mean those were the initial reasons for detention which we have fixed but being in an 1.5 hour detention for these things multiple times a week sat next to some kids who have been much naughtier means she has made some friends who are naughtier and she has worse and worse to the point she sometimes doesn’t access her lessons multiple times a week - this is the opposite of how she was before

Yes this is what iv said since I told her I wouldn’t consider unless her behaviour improves it has actually improved (for the last 3 days)

I'd worry her behaviour would not change, she'd just expect fewer sanctions and get away with more. Does she know people there? Is there a space?

This is my exact worry but she is adamant it would help and she would revert to positive behaviour like in year 7! To be fair to her she has never been like this before and she seems to have a n awful reputation at school

Give her a fresh start.

My daughter begged to change schools for Year 8 as she was also labelled as a trouble-maker and had constant detentions for ridiculously minor things.

I (reluctantly) agreed to let her switch schools and she has been super happy at her new school and is like a changed child.

Listen to your daughter.

Yes I would move her.

It's very very hard once they are seen as a trouble maker.

Give her a fresh start, and put equipment in her bag!

I would let her move but make it clear that she won’t be moving again if she repeats the same behaviour.

Have a look at managed moves.

You may be able to just move her if space.

But reading about managed moves will reassure you that a fresh start can be the best thing for some pupils.

Yanbu. Strict schools just do not suit some children, particularly if they are sensitive or clever (often clever children will not respect one-size-fits all or nonsensical rules).

This mirrors my experience at her age almost exactly. I was at a school where everything was very heirarchal and strict (e.g had to stand up when a teacher entered the room, were only allowed to drink at lunchtimes, put in isolation for forgetting your tie etc). I hated it and started to get in trouble because I hated the place. I hated the nasty, oppressive behaviour of the teachers towards students. I hated that there was just so much disruption and shouting in classes due to overly strict enforcement of rules. I hate that it was such an ‘us v them’ crushing attitude from the staff towards the pupils. I told the headmaster how I felt in our exit meeting too (the school were not very happy for me to leave because I was set 1 and top for a lot of subjects in my year).

I later moved to a lovely relaxed all-girl school where there was lots of mutual respect between teachers and students and even, shock, a culture of wanting to learn amongst the students. I don’t think I ever got a detention while I was there.

Trust me I do put equipment in her bag, she loses things a lot. She is being assessed for adhd

You are so right she is both sensitive and clever and she gets a lot of detentions for questioning logic in somethings she is seen as defiant. I do think in what world are we teaching our children not to question things.

I think my dd would resonate a lot with what you say. Thank you I needed to hear this. I’m scared I’m letting her get away with things but also at the same time I feel I need to listen to her

I’d definitely look at moving her. It sounds like she’d benefit from a fresh start. How do you feel about the school she wants to move to?

I don’t think very strict schools work for every child. Being given detention for forgetting a calculator or rolling up a skirt means many children are a lot more careful about not breaking the rules again. It also means that those who were already unhappy, unsettled or who have organisational issues end up being kicked out of class and put in with children who are completely disengaged with learning. If they make friends there it can make detention a more attractive option than staying in class.

Well it wasn’t my first choice because it’s an old school and has a bit of a rep at times but that’s cos there are a lot of kids there. But to be honest my outlook on schools and education has changed a lot in the last years. I know a lot of kids that went there and are doing well. It’s a lot to do with parenting too. I think she would find the shorter lessons easier to focus and all I want is for her to leave with a good gcse’s and aspirations

that’s what’s happened with DD she honestly never had a call home before this year