To let DD 13 move schools

[Bonnyswannie]

since year 8 dd’s behaviour has deteriorated
it’s a bit of everything she has some traumatic events last year on top of the usual friendships problems etc
for the last 6-8 months she has been desperate to move to another local school as she feels this is a fairer school (her school is very strict) and that she could focus on her learning the way things are going she is getting such a bad rep and her grades are declining.
I am worried about letting my dd dictate about certain things but on the other hand I wonder whether this may help the situation?

I'm intrigued to know what her evidence base is for thinking this other school is a "fairer" school, however.

People that attend there have told her experiences

I'd try getting her moved - see how likely it is to happen.

One of mine got labelled as trouble not by teachers but support staff end of y10 - it would die down and then flare up all though Y11- causing upset being accused of things couldn't have done. Actual teachers seemed to find them pleasant polite and hardworking entire time there but that and previous year good behavior seemed not to matter to SLT.

Took a lot to keep them on tack to get good GCSE - few time it was what's the point why bother trying - been fine at college very motivated.

In her school about 15 to people have left due to it being very strict which I used to think wasn’t a bad thing

So she has made friends with the wrong crowd. I will be honest kids who like messing around tend to gravitate towards others who mess about.

If she is in lots of trouble in this school chances are she will be similar in another school. She will seek out those kinds of kids in her new environment.

Personally I would be trying instead to back up school at home. So if she doesn't make a full day of lessons because of truanting or being sent out then no phone or Internet when she gets home that day.

I'd move her. The fact she wants to suggests she feels stuck in this behaviour & rut & wants to get out of it. She would have a chance to turn things round before GCSEs.

Just make it a very serious discussion about trust etc etc.

But definitely move her.

Yes absolutely - we did- worked out well from a learning point of view but also the positive change in our relationship with our son was huge - he felt heard and empowered and that changed him so much -

By the way this is how the very strict schools get good results, calm classrooms and good attitudes to learning. The families and children who don't follow the rules often leave for so called 'fairer' schools where they can get away with poor behaviour.

Sorry but that's terrible advice and a way to ruin your relationship with your teen (and will achieve nothing). Would you stay in a job you hated or try to move for a fresh start?

Thanks we have been doing this for months on end

Not poor behaviour but not prison-like rules! My daughter is a nice teen who does well at her more relaxed school, whereas she was getting constant detentions for some ridiculously minor things that left her completely disheartened and hating her school/teachers. School is not prison.

This is what I used to think however the enforcement of tinier rules can trigger some people if they can’t meet the high standards and this ends up in a volatile atmosphere. Just yesterday there was a serious physical argument in the class room that started off from something quite minute (dd was not involved)
sadly it’s not a one size fits all. My dd has had a detention issued for looking out the window and when I questioned this I was told yes this was correct she wasn’t focusing!!!

I would move her. The advice for a kid that has fallen in with the wrong crowd and self destructive behaviour patterns is to move them even though they usually are defiant and don’t want to. You are lucky that she wants to move. It means she wants to break free from the crowd and self-destructive patterns, so count your blessings and move her to another school.

I see she is being assessed for ADHD, perhaps ask it also include autism? Because questioning fairness and interpretation of rules and having the balls to do it in public to a teacher is a big red flag for an autistic kid that then gets into trouble for pointing out where school rules are contradictory or even stupid.

I'd move her. My DD isn't like this at all, never got in trouble or anything but only now she's moved to a much more relaxed school I can see how anxious it's made her about anything. Those schools are brilliant for some kids, but not for a lot.

My dd has had a detention issued for looking out the window and when I questioned this I was told yes this was correct she wasn’t focusing!!!

This is illegal for a child suspected of having ADHD or diagnosed with it. Their disability causes this, and it is illegal, yes illegal for a school to punish a child for a suspected or known disability.

Yes they have suggested it includes an autism assessment actually

This was just before I did her screenings. I did refuse for her to do this one because of this reason though. Her lessons are 1.5 hours and she does struggle with the length of them

It’s a gamble because less strict might mean she’s gambling on her bad behaviour being overlooked at the new school but it comes with the major pro that it ends her contact with the older girls. She might change and I would risk it at 13.

Good, it warms my heart to read how much you are fighting for your DD. You’re a good mum.

I'd say let her move now. Once GCSEs kick in it would be more disruptive. If you tell her she can move schools, but playing truant and getting in trouble the whole time are not valid options. She can start afresh. Hopefully once she chooses some options she enjoys it might make lessons more interesting for her. Tell her if she leaves this school she can't then change her mind, so it's about having a kind of contract of commitment from her. It doesn't sound like she can get that much worse if she moves. But she could if she stays. Once you feel blacklisted as a teen it's hard to change your attitude back to positive.

God, the school sounds like a prison. Move her. Sounds like if she stays it will break her spirit and do real damage. It's good to question things and think outside the box, instead of becoming a mindless drone who follows commands without question.

Omg this is not illegal come on.

Thank you so much 😊

This is what I feel like it has broken her spirit she uses do love school

I would let her move. I hated the whole of secondary, but particularly years 7 and 8. I was desperate to move and my parents agreed I could. It never ended up happening, but just knowing it was possible made it easier to get through. I was a very quiet and obedient child, but would have absolutely railed against the pointless prison type rules some schools seem to have these days.