To let DD 13 move schools

[Bonnyswannie]

since year 8 dd’s behaviour has deteriorated
it’s a bit of everything she has some traumatic events last year on top of the usual friendships problems etc
for the last 6-8 months she has been desperate to move to another local school as she feels this is a fairer school (her school is very strict) and that she could focus on her learning the way things are going she is getting such a bad rep and her grades are declining.
I am worried about letting my dd dictate about certain things but on the other hand I wonder whether this may help the situation?

I'd get adhd diagnosis ASAP, private if needed. Medication could work wonders for her with ability to focus and improve impulsivity

I’m going private this month!

Although I’m not sure I way to medicate her to fit in with other establishments needs but that’s a whole other thread . for me a diagnosis should bring other professionals to understand and bend to her needs

"for me a diagnosis should bring other professionals to understand and bend to her needs"

I can assure you this won't happen. Medication at your DDs age can be life-changing and give her the confidence boost she desperately needs. I can assure you, no one will be bending to her needs. You may as well save yourself the money.

There's strict and there's "strict".

For a child who struggles with focus and organisation the pressure to never make a mistake will actually cause them to make
More mistakes.

Then they are stuck in a self fulfilling prophecy of never getting it right and feeling like a failure. Their MH suffered and the anxiety causes them to make more mistakes.

Some children will thrive in an environment where mistakes aren't allowed. Most won't. Part of the reason we have such an issue with MH in schools now.

ADHD isn’t like ASD. Medication isn’t to bend a person to fit in, it genuinely helps many people with ADHD to focus. Talk to the private psychologist about ADHD with your DD present.

She is old enough though to have a say and I’d tell her you will support her to try medication and that she decides if it helps her or not, if the side effects are too much or not. In a few years, at 16, she will have all the autonomy on her healthcare, so at 13 this is when you advise and gently start giving her say on what options she would like to try.

It's quite a problem you have on your hands. I guess the only way of telling if the school switch will work is to try it . I don't think you have much to lose at this point.
I work in secondary school, year 8 is notorious for the sort of behavioral problems your daughter is displaying.
I have to point out in the school's defence rolling up your skirt isn't an accident like losing a pen it is a deliberate action. It is true in my experience that schools with very strict rules do get better results academically, but in your daughters case I think you would be doing the right thing to move her because this approach doesn't suit her.
Good luck I hope things work out so many young people lose their way at 13 and 14 but most turn out fine, exams aren't everything.

I just wanted to add to my post that as well meaning as you may be, you are risking making ADHD your DDs identity. Whilst the ADHD will be influencing her actions, it's entirely possible she's just being a 13 year old that needs to be taught a lesson or moved to a school where she feels like she's not a horrible failure. Your expectations that people will bend to her needs will do you and her no favours. It'll make your situation worse as you'll end up with her having 0 self esteem and blaming everything on the ADHD, and everyone on not understanding the ADHD.

I think perhaps that was the wrong words or I’m being misunderstood I don’t mean everyone must bend to her needs, however I do think that there needs to be some leeway’s because she is getting into trouble for things like looking out the window and forgetting things. So in that context yea I think there needs to be some flexibility to cater for her needs. I don’t think she shouldn’t get in trouble for being naughty as she knows right from wrong and I know she can behave
I don’t want her to have to take medication to fit the box for everyone however if I’m told she may need it then I’ll have an open mind

However I would like to try other things first such as her having breaks in her lessons and perhaps shorter bursts of learning. Iv been told she isn’t focusing because she twiddles her hair and the teacher said that if she’s not trying why should he: no understanding that this is stimming and actually may help her focus

If your DD gets a diagnosis and this is the behaviour she is exhibiting, and you feel it's due to the ADHD, than medication is what will be offered. I have a 15 year old on it. We went through private and NHS process. I'm also on it. We also have an EHCP so I know what is and isn't realistically possible within the system.

Reasonable adjustments at school are needs based not necessarily diagnosis based. The school should be making allowances for her already, you shouldn't need a diagnosis. She should be allowed things like fidget toys etc if those help in lesson, esp if there are suspicions of SEND that you're actively exploring.
Good luck.

we did agree a plan where if she gets a warning before a detention. She gets a
some blu tac but no one has done this
today she has told me the class took a test and she was taken out of the class and out in a class with another girl and told they can’t have them in the class to do their test so they stayed in their
she feels so segregated and asked me why she was out in the room when she is trying so hard to behave

Your daughter is probably disturbing the learning of about 25 other kids. How do you know she is trying so hard to behave? Because she told you so? You said earlier that she had no problems with her behaviour until she started hanging out with kids who had influenced her negatively. She gets more kudis and peer approval through behaving badly so she behaves badly. I assume that the teacher wanted the other kids to be able to get on with their assessment without your dd and her friend messing around

Looking out the window daydreaming and forgetting things is not disruptive behaviour. It’s not the kind of behaviour that the misbehaving kids think is cool or give kudos for either.

Both of these too, are classic ADHD symptoms in girls. ADHD is a disability which causes these behaviours. It is illegal to punish a child for a consequence of a recognised disability.

The DD should not be getting ANY detentions for these behaviours at all. She should be getting support and understanding from the school SENDco.

Yeah tell that to cansu on the quote above!

sadly she does and I am sick of fighting them all the time!
we have made an application for the new school and the relief within my dd is so visible I just know it’s the right decision. We have both spoken to the head of year at the new school who said whilst there are rules they are manageable and achievable. If she looks out the window or loses a book she will only be redirected.

I read today that children with adhd have rejection sensitivity because they have a significany higher amount of negative comments than a NT child. That really made me stop and think. Then I read one of the comments and just couldn’t even reply.

thank you for everyone has responded especially those with constructive and well intentioned advice x

Yes I believe my child! try it sometime

Children with ADHD do get a lot of negative comments. Especially because their disability means they are less organised and struggle with focus. This has a big impact even at primary age- forgetting your PE kit, losing track of time and not completing a piece of coursework, forgetting to bring home you reading book. ADHD children feel very not normal early on and then they feel stupid. It’s similar to children with dyslexia and reading, only for ADHD it’s not being organised and losing things more often than normal children do.

Even things like “you lost your cardigan again?” Or “why didn’t you put your trainers in your PE kit?” Can make an ADHD child feel badly and that they are a disappointment.

Not necessarily. My daughter is quiet and well behaved and went to a school like this. She ended up and anxious wreck who would constantly worry about forgetting things, checking her bag 3 times etc, couldn't sleep for worrying. Her bag weighed a ton because she would insist in carrying everything for every subject rather than just that day, too scared to take something out and forget it.
She ended up in too much a of a state to go in several times.
I moved her to a smaller school which was seen as a bit ' rough' in comparison and is flying, on track to get 7-9s in her GCSEs, doing extra curricular activities. It's not the strictness, but the rigidness and constant fear of slipping up and ending up in detention (not for being naughty, but genuine errors over which equipment was needed etc)