Assumptions about single mums

[JustSeethingPat]

How do you stop yourself becoming resentful?

• someone assuming my kids get free school meals (I'm in an pretty decent job)
• colleague asking me why I'm not dating, as if we must be in a relationship at all times or constantly searching for a stepdad
• someone assuming that I would want to cut my hours to get more UC (again, I'm not eligible)
• surprise that I own my own home

It's not that there's anything wrong with claiming benefits you're entitled to, or not earning a house (I own one by luck!) but it's wrong to assume all of those things when it's a small proportion of single parents.
I want to keep this term ring-fenced for its original context but it feels like a micro aggression.
When my child went through a stage of refusing school I remember asking citizens advice what would happen and none of their advice was applicable to a single mum in their own home with a career. It felt like the whole system was designed to encourage mums to give up work either because they weren't the main earner or because they assumed the mums didn't really care or want to work anyway.

I said to someone at her school 'it would be in no one's best interest for me to give up work, I am not a teacher. My daughter wants me to be her mum, not her teacher, friend, pe teacher! She just can't access school'. It as if they had never considered that women don't actually want to be at home.
I'm sure there are many more, but the general assumption is that we are thick, flakey, man hungry, skint, grabby, lazy and lonely. I don't know any single mums who are like that.

I'm a lone parent have been for 14 years. Honestly try not to let this get to you, there is so much about life and working not set up for lone parents or those caring for elderly relatives it will drive you nuts.

People make massive assumptions about us sure, it just makes them stupid and that's the way you need to see it, ignorance.

I'm a high earner, DD14 in private school, own my own house etc I get a lot of raised eyebrows when people find out I'm a lone parent.

Let me say this though, you are bloody amazing, so don't let the assholes get to you.

Single Mum here. I have never experienced any of this. Own my own home and work.
I am a bit confused about your child refusing school. Why? And are you saying you were told to stop working. Think there must be a back story to this.

I get you, the times that I have rolled my eyes on here when people say just claim the single parent benefit, what single parent benefits? Anyway try not to seethe and I have found that my annoyance has lessened over the years.

@Footyfandango not really told but she didn't attend regularly for about a year and work had sort of done all that they could. I kept asking what happened to parents who couldn't work as their child couldn't attend school and no one could give me an answer. That's ok, I wasn't annoyed by that.
I was annoyed by the assumption that this was a choice I would be happy to make and that it wouldn't really affect me anyway as surely I only earned about the same as I would get on benefits and so it wouldn't really bother me. No thought that maybe I don't want to home school, that i want a career and that I won't be able to afford my mortgage payments.

It's probably because whenever there is a documentary on single parents that's how they are portrayed (very similar to documentaries about life on benefits). They find the tiny minority to fit the stereotype and the public assume everyone is the same
I have huge respect for single parents. Not sure I could do it on my own and sounds like you're doing a brilliant job.

I'm about to move out with my kids and this worries me a lot. I'm looking forward to not living with another adult. I will be claiming a small bit of UC as I earn under 50,000 per anum. (I feel very self conscious "admitting" that). I intend to not disclose that I'm single to anyone who doesn't need to know. I'm certainly not letting the school mums know.

Hoepfully I can work on being secure in my sense of myself rather than getting bogged down by all the projected ideas people will have of me.

@Rosebel given the numbers of people raising children on their own or Co- parenting, you'd think that would have changed by now? I mean a programme which said 'Mexican people are like this' wouldn't fly these days, so why lone parents? I feel there is a more sinister aspect, if you show Doreen know the reality (that she can have a lovely life) then she might just go for it.

@SquishyElbows you'll do amazingly well. It's like the wonderland Alice falls into, magical and maddening and beautiful all at once, so the rest of the world seems grey and dull. She says pulling the washing out of the machine...

@JustSeethingPat oh I understand now. Yes agree with you I would have been seething too.
I haven't encountered the initial examples you gave. However I have quite a severe disability and could write a book on assumptions made about that, so I feel your frustration.
Don't let the bastards grind you down is my mantra in these situations.

The free school meals and UC assumptions are weird, the comments about dating and owning a house not so much. It's much harder to buy a house on a single wage and a lot of single people are interested in dating.

I think the assumption that you'd be happy to give up work to stay at home with a school refuser is just a misogynistic comment that's nothing to do with being a single mum. Some people just find it hard to understand that women may actually prefer having a career.

I've just learnt to ignore them over the last 14 years.
I've had comments assuming my DC have different dads, they don't. Also lots of assumptions that I get loads of maintenance (I get £0) and every other weekend "off".
Although my personal favourite was "I'd never have known you were a single mum. Your dc are so well behaved "

It sounds like you’re more bothered by the assumption that you’re on benefits and in rented/council housing TBH. That’s OK, you aren’t, so just ignore them. I get people assuming I’m straight all the time but I’m not. Half the time I can’t be bothered to correct them because it’s none of their business, and I’m not hung up about it.

@Wakeywake but why do female teachers working in schools assume that? I mean they're not stay at home mums are they?

I’m a single parent of 3 living in a council house. I also come from a very poor background, my family was fairly ‘notorious’ in the local area, and i was in trouble a lot as a teen, I have lost one sibling to a drug overdose and the other is poorly functioning alcoholic who’s made their issues very public.

Very few people actually know me and people make a lot of assumptions about my life now, but I actually have turned my life around since having kids. I have a degree and work in a professional job, about to start a MSc, I also run ultramarathons in my spare time. No one who knew me in the past would believe this of me and none of my neighbours would either. I keep it all to myself and only a few close friends and family really know anything about me so it feels like I have a secret life and I love it. People can judge me any way they want but they are all wrong and I don’t have to prove myself to any of them, I’m pretty smug and personally feel like I am ‘better’ then most of them so I don’t care what they think!

I've definitely had the surprise that I own my own house, and because I work 30 hours a week (and have no plans to go full time) people do assume it is a cunning move to get UC, which I do not get.

I think the advice about school refusal was just bizarre though, and nothing to do with being a single parent because I don't know any married parent who would consider giving up work or letting their child give up school. I suspect you may have spoken to someone who managed their own child's situation that way.

I have a school "refuser" and while I can work part time to support my DC's mental health I certainly can't give up work to home educate (school suggested this). I quite like paying my bills!

@NotaNorovirusFan I get what you mean. I think mine is complicated by other factors (namely I'm fat, mixed race and have a regional accent) so people slip up a lot!

Same. People don't ask me why I am not dating as I am quite unattractive, but had all the other ones.

What absolutely boils my blood is that then if they discover you actually earn well, you are treated as a fraudster of sorts. I had a neighbour who used to bring me some home made cake, brownies or banana bread once a week and stayed for a chat - I will admit it was a bit annoying and inconvenient at times, as I had things to do and she wasn't a person I clicked with. I just assumed she's just lonely after retirement and needs company. Then she accidentally discovered how much I earn and got... furious, no other way of putting it. Wrote an article-length post about me on the neighbourhood whatsapp chat - it turned out she thought she's feeding a poor single foreign mum as a good neighbour and a Christian.

Then had a weird story when another mum from school assumed I will keep on covering after-school childcare for her after I helped her out a few times in an emergency - said, with a tinkly laugh, that it would be good for me to get some informal experience with childcare so I can maybe turn it into a career later, and even put it on my CV to start somewhere, employers LOVE things like that! I had around 15 years worth of career in a STEM area at that point under my belt, was working from home and on MN stereotypical six-digit salary.

@zendeveloper

Yes single mum is supposed to be grateful! I have a good income, own my own home and send my daughters to private school. I choose my working hours.

This drives a lot of women who paired up nuts. It's okay, because most are lovely. It is just a subset of women who want you in the pity box. When you explain the rest of it, they feel cheated.

Hats off to you and all others. Captaining my own life with children has been good, not a punishment or point of sympathy.

Like @jeaux90 I'm a lone parent (have been since my DD was four, although I'm now in a relationship). I'm high earning and my DD is in private school. Not intended as a brag, just to contextualise. I rarely encounter judgement about my being a single parent and if I do it just makes me look down on anyone who is small minded enough to judge.

If anything it makes me feel a sense of pride that I've done everything (and I mean everything, from all breadwinning to all care outside of school hours) on my own. If anyone is small minded enough to think less of me because I am not attached to a man they don't deserve the airtime in my head. Thankfully I tend not to meet small-minded people so that has happened ver rarely.

I think attitudes have changed a huge amount: the sort of stigma which was attached to single parents when I was a child has largely evaporated. But I do understand the sense of frustration that the system is still just not set up for us -- constantly having to explain to doctors, teachers, employers of various kinds that no there isn't anyone else who can do this thing I'm being asked to do because it's just me. Constantly being expected to be in two places at once, people endlessly forgetting that no you can't just drop everything for a drink after work, networking meeting with a client etc, getting frustrated when you can't.

But again, that just tends to make me feel like I'm doing a good job.

I'm sorry your DD is refusing school, that must be very stressful, although I'm not sure that's linked to single parenthood?

In the media there's a huge correlation between single parenthood/babydaddies/poverty and crime. The real correlation is between poverty and crime.

I was a single parent from the beginning. Dad around but not really committed or contributary. I out earned him and took care of our daughter who wanted for little.

My health visitor offered me ‘functional skills’ classes while I was on Mat leave with my baby. She assumed I wasn’t working because I was a single mum.

I am an Oxbridge graduate with a first and a post grad, senior civil servant and sit on numerous boards and hold a couple of public appointments.

I just said I didn’t think I’d benefit as I already have GCSE maths and English (at A and one at A grade A level, which only wasn’t an A because I am too old!)

Oh the star has caused odd bold formatting. Maybe I could have used function skills IT 😂

Tbh in situations like this (I have a similar educational background to you, and also had similar experiences) I don't mind, I'd much rather they offered it to someone who doesn't need it than not offered it to someone who might benefit. So I take no offence when someone is doing it as a part of their job.

It is when assumptions are made in the social context (school, neighbours, colleagues) it upsets me a bit. Colleagues tend to go the other way - "I would have NEVER thought you a single mother", as if they have discovered I have a disease.