Assumptions about single mums

[JustSeethingPat]

How do you stop yourself becoming resentful?

• someone assuming my kids get free school meals (I'm in an pretty decent job)
• colleague asking me why I'm not dating, as if we must be in a relationship at all times or constantly searching for a stepdad
• someone assuming that I would want to cut my hours to get more UC (again, I'm not eligible)
• surprise that I own my own home

It's not that there's anything wrong with claiming benefits you're entitled to, or not earning a house (I own one by luck!) but it's wrong to assume all of those things when it's a small proportion of single parents.
I want to keep this term ring-fenced for its original context but it feels like a micro aggression.
When my child went through a stage of refusing school I remember asking citizens advice what would happen and none of their advice was applicable to a single mum in their own home with a career. It felt like the whole system was designed to encourage mums to give up work either because they weren't the main earner or because they assumed the mums didn't really care or want to work anyway.

I said to someone at her school 'it would be in no one's best interest for me to give up work, I am not a teacher. My daughter wants me to be her mum, not her teacher, friend, pe teacher! She just can't access school'. It as if they had never considered that women don't actually want to be at home.
I'm sure there are many more, but the general assumption is that we are thick, flakey, man hungry, skint, grabby, lazy and lonely. I don't know any single mums who are like that.

I've never had this. I'm a single parent in a professional job living in a naice area so I assume that would be why. Had a lot of contact with professionals over the years for various reasons and, while they've always asked the questions, it's always been in a food/housing etc you're-absolutely-fine-aren't-you way (we are).

When you all say.. own your home.. do you mean mortgage or own outright?
Because a mortgage isn't owning.

I own outright, my grandparents died and my parents loaned me the money from the sale of GP home to buy a small home for DD and myself., but my name is the only one on the deeds.

Most people mean "own with a mortgage" when they say "own a house" though.

Have to say I am heartened to hear about all the high earning single parents with kids at private school though. Given only a very small portion of the UK falls into this bracket, a substantial part of it must be occupied by single parents.

Ooo now I know why the other mummies and the church people won't talk to me although I have never experienced anything like the comments pps have had to endure. I just didn't think this was a thing. I assume they're all thinking it between themselves.
I think a lot must have decided I was a single mother before the divorce as XH never came to anything at all and still doesn't.

There is a view in some sections of the media that single mum is synonymous with being a desperate benefit grabber. It is assumed that every aspect of life is motivated by what benefits we can claim.

The reason that single mums are viewed as being poor and needing help from state benefits is that there are a good number of fathers not paying adequate maintenance.

I am a lone parent and have never known anyone to make that assumption about me.

The best mum I know (my cousin) is a single mum. Her children are very well behaved, kind, respectful. They have the occasional teenager moment, but they're great kids and you can tell they're going to be successful, kind adults. People are just weird and judgy!

I'm not a single parent but hats off to anyone who is - it's hard enough raising DC with my DH who is a good and involved dad, let alone doing it on my own!

@JustSeethingPat

@Thepeopleversusworkit sounds like you have a lifestyle where you have to earn well to have, if you know what I mean. Basically you're unlikely to be an unemployed mum on benefits who has snuck in somehow and so people wouldn't assume that you are.
My experience is of the fringes of the working class/ lower middle classes where it is more unusual to meet someone with kids at private school, in families of all sorts. The problem is the assumption that single mums are more likely, even in this community, to be all of the things I mentioned in my OP. When that's not true.

Of course. And I'm fully conscious of how extremely lucky I am to be able to afford this lifestyle and how much this helps make my life smoother.

I think what's interesting is that over the past 40 years demographic change and advances in women's rights mean that being a single mother is no longer, in and of itself, a road to poverty. Because women are able to advance further in the workplace and the gender pay gap has closed a bit, not having a man to provide doesn't automatically condemn you and your children to poorer life chances.

What it does mean, though is that if you're a working single mum the buck for everything stops with you. I read, with some envy, people talking about wanting a better work life balance and so forth and thinking, in my more cynical moments, bully for you. I can't just come off the corporate hamster wheel because its all on me. Ultimately I'd rather earn well and work my arse off but keep the fruits of my labour than work less and be dependent on someone else for money but I appreciate a lot of people don't see it like that.

What's the relevance of this on a thread discussing experiences of being a single mum?

Most people, single mums or married couples, will have a mortgage whilst their children are still 'children'. Lots, probably the majority, will pay off their mortgage when their children have already reached adulthood.

Does feel like another pointed comment! Otherwise why mention it..

I have a mortgage, but still consider myself a homeowner as I'm not renting. I still have 27 years left on the mortgage, but the mortgage is based on my part-time earnings and I expect to return to full time employment at some point in the next 10 years and hopefully pay it off sooner.

Yes it is. You own your home, but if you don't pay the mortgage the lender can take it off you.

Forgot to add- I was raised effectively by a single mum (I did have a step dad, but he wasn't present in any meaningful way IYSWIM. My mum was for all intents and purposes, a single parent). We lived in a posh area. My mum used to get all sorts of comments from the married, stay at home yummy mummy types. "What do you mean you aren't going to help out at the school fete/play/whatever?" "You WORK? Whatever for??"

My mum has a PhD and was a CEO for a small but successful company 🤷‍♀️

@DickEmery I am on some SEN support groups but I must say I encounter the same sort of comments on there too from a small but vocal minority;
1.) women who aren't willing to fully give up their careers for their children are monsters who clearly don't understand the TRAUMA they are inflicting.
2.) All autistic children get burn out and you must deal with this by immediately taking them out of school rather than challenging the school to make changes.
3.) telling your children in a clear, matter of fact way that if you don't work then you lose your job and they might have to get used to a very different sort of life is emotional abuse of the highest order.
4.) the autistic child must be prioritised over other children in the family.
5.) having a husband is a necessity and they are all unhappy in their marriages too but would never throw in the towel as they love their children more than those of us who leave unhappy marriages. Basically I should have stayed in an abusive marriage in order to throw my career aside so that I can home educate.

Oh OP this touched a nerve for me! I left my husband, father of my two young children, in the early 1990s, just when the Tories decided that lone mothers represented the downfall of society!

I went to university at the same time to study Health and Social Care and I was then able to look at this political stance from a personal and academic perspective.

I was incandescent with rage; my ex husband deserted my children totally and we struggled so much in the early years.

Forgive me for doing a quick search of the policies and statements at the time.
To add insult to injury, Redwood highlighted the single mothers of St Mellons, in Cardiff as the prime examples of the feckless women who were destroying the social fabric of society. I had moved back to nearby Newport to take up my studies again!

Do I need to state that I also worked part-time while at university? Yes I do because, angry as I was and however much I knew that this was far too simplistic a view of current family set ups, I too wanted to prove that I wasn't feckless!

Guardian article from the days when it supported socialist values

""He launched his assault 10 years ago with a visit to St Mellons, a poor estate in Cardiff, vilifying the lone parents there. So the fact that he has split from his (now vengeful) wife, thus creating a single-parent family (albeit not a teenage one), would certainly be a fact for public consideration. For he never acknowledged that single motherhood descends on women of all ages and conditions - married or not - for many reasons, as indeed do unplanned babies (ask the prime minister). Redwood's campaign of blame against single mothers was opportunistic and cruel: now the public can see it was also hypocritical.
They were nasty days. John Redwood's notorious visit to St Mellons branded it forever as a den of female vice. St Mellons was a place, Redwood said, where there was "no presumption in favour of creating a loving family background". Subsequently he said that "the assumption is that the illegitimate child is a passport to a council flat". The single mother is "married to the state". If the father cannot be found, grandparents should be made to pay or adoption be considered. The welfare state was offering "incentives to entice young women to become mothers before their time". "Single mothers are costing 4p on the standard rate of tax.."

The rise in the number of single mothers was also touted as evidence of moral decay in society by many Conservatives, and the Child Support Agency was created to chase absentee fathers failing to financially contribute to their children's upbringing. (Wikipedia entry on John Major and Michael Howard.)
The CSA did nothing to support the parent who had care of the child and I gather that current CMS is indeed as toothless as this legislation.

Sorry to de-rail your thread, I wanted to point out that this attitude to women is nothing new.

Please be proud of yourself for raising your children and have compassion for those women who need to claim benefits. In the vast majority of cases, they will repay the state by their contributions over their working lives.
The Welfare State was set up to support those who are vulnerable and we know that women with young children deserve the support of society.

I'm a single parent (co-parent), have a professional job, am a higher rate tax payer and home owner. (Not to brag, but for context. I appreciate that I am very fortunate). I also get nothing from my Ex DH and we share 50/50 custody.

My own DF, despite knowing all of this, seems to think I have access to benefits by virtue of being a 'single mum'. In his case it definitely comes from a mind set of thinking of being divorced and single parenting as 'less than' (better to be miserable and stay married but respectable!). So by joining that 'lesser' group I'm now also a potential member of another 'lesser' group (benefit claimant) regardless of my household income. I also get comments from him that my DC are doing well 'all things considered.' Because as children of divorce they should of course be smoking crack by now.

It does hurt. I left a horrible marriage and I'm really proud of myself that I had the strength to do that. But in my DF's eyes it will always be a failure on my part to be divorced.

@SadCelticBunny only saw your post after I posted. Yes, that demonising of single mums I think very much shaped my DF's view, despite not being a Tory. That a certain 'type' of woman is a single mum and I've joined their ranks 🤦🏻‍♀️

@JustSeethingPat I'm sorry that you've had some unhelpful comments from individuals. Have you had any useful information at all? There are some national organisations that can help eg Contact is very good. But generally local groups are best places to advise on how to tackle specific shortcomings wrt schools in the neighbourhood as they deal with the same things all the time.

What is the situation with your daughter now? Is she attending school? Does she have appropriate support?

I would also say that from your list there, I wouldn't discuss possible consequences of unemployment or economic inactivity with a child. It isn't their concern and especially a child who is already struggling with her own mental load can't take on a parent's as well. Again, a constant problem of single parenthood - there isn't another adult around to discuss these things with. And you can't discuss them with the only people who are in your household! It can be a lonely burden.

Also, wrt children with autism or any other difficulty/disability, seeing to their needs does take priority. It's difficult and it skews the family dynamic because it's difficult to balance everything especially when you are parenting alone. Do you have any respite arrangements so that you can set aside time for your other children? Even a couple of hours a month makes a difference.

You have to try and not let it get to you because ime a big percentage of people are judgey.

I have had the dating comment and once had a teacher comment that it’s surprising that my kids achieved qualifications and are well behaved when they come from a household headed by a single mother 🤔

I've had a few off colour comments over the years. I think there are so many ingrained stereotypes that these are the first things that come to people's minds and if their brains don't catch up to process the actual situation in front of them before they talk - through inattention, or because they're dealing with something else (usually their own kids) - they can speak carelessly.

I also have had people asking really quite personal questions about the circumstances of the break up or whether I'm dating etc plus they are careful to find out if I work. They would not quiz a married person about the state of their marriage or finances in the same way! I think that is because they want to know which box to put you in - you know, victim or harlot? Scrounging cheat squeezing babies out for the benefits or go-getting high flyer with her own business empire? They're usually disappointed to learn that I'm muddling through unremarkably same as them.

I'm a single mum 2- one graduate and 1 who's at a Russell group uni. I was also a teen mum. I have a partner but we don't live with each other. So I fully support my own home. People are always surprised that I came from an abusive household a teen mum and single parent and myself and my kids are doing so well. I find it funny!!

I'm a single mum to adult children, we've been on our own since they were very small. I've found that all my other single mum friends are also very independent, intelligent, resourceful women perfectly capable of doing everything very well by themselves. Much easier than having some useless twat clogging up their lives.

And they're mostly very averse to the idea of doing any serious dating at all.

I've never come across any at all in real life only on here.

Yes to the successful woman doing it solo. I know of two others in my position. Their professions make it possible. They have good lives.

I think this will grow as a trend; assuming women continue to obtain good education and jobs.

You've never met a single mother? Where do you live?