Assumptions about single mums

[JustSeethingPat]

How do you stop yourself becoming resentful?

• someone assuming my kids get free school meals (I'm in an pretty decent job)
• colleague asking me why I'm not dating, as if we must be in a relationship at all times or constantly searching for a stepdad
• someone assuming that I would want to cut my hours to get more UC (again, I'm not eligible)
• surprise that I own my own home

It's not that there's anything wrong with claiming benefits you're entitled to, or not earning a house (I own one by luck!) but it's wrong to assume all of those things when it's a small proportion of single parents.
I want to keep this term ring-fenced for its original context but it feels like a micro aggression.
When my child went through a stage of refusing school I remember asking citizens advice what would happen and none of their advice was applicable to a single mum in their own home with a career. It felt like the whole system was designed to encourage mums to give up work either because they weren't the main earner or because they assumed the mums didn't really care or want to work anyway.

I said to someone at her school 'it would be in no one's best interest for me to give up work, I am not a teacher. My daughter wants me to be her mum, not her teacher, friend, pe teacher! She just can't access school'. It as if they had never considered that women don't actually want to be at home.
I'm sure there are many more, but the general assumption is that we are thick, flakey, man hungry, skint, grabby, lazy and lonely. I don't know any single mums who are like that.

I think she means she has never met any who are "thick, flakey, man hungry, skint, grabby, lazy and lonely" as stated in the OP.

The trouble with this "only scroungers claim benefits" narrative is that it doesn't take account of the very particular circumstances of single parents. You can be as hardworking and motivated as you please but you are unlikely to be able to hold down a high paid full time job if your child has a severe disability because you won't be able to consistently put the hours in required by your employer if your hours are spent meeting your caring responsibilities.

In a couple, one person will still be able to earn.

Depends where you are and what the norm is.

DCs went to school in our old area and I was the only single parent in the class. They were very nice parents but I remember one parent (very kindly) saying he and his wife would do anything they could to help me - sweet and well intentioned as I said but made me feel a bit like a charity case!

OTOH at their new school there are lots of single parents so I haven't found that anyone assumes anything based on that.

As for whether or not people assume that I live in a council flat or claim benefits, that is solely related to what the norm is in that circle.

I used to get that all the time. I single handily raised my DD for 18 years, had a full time job and own my own home and car. I was resented by colleagues when I declined works nights out etc as I'd rather be at home with my DD and look after her as I should be. I was always very careful with my money and made sure we had a holiday every year and fun days out and trips away. Some of my friends with partners who were renting couldn't get their heads around how I could do these things but I did and I'm proud of where I am today.

Just be proud of yourself and dont feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone. Its a hard job but so worth it.

The worst for me is when people ask if my children have the same father.

We do have quite a big gap. However this is because I had a stillbirth in between them, not because I got pregnant from some random Tinder fling the last time.

@summersolstice43 why did your colleagues resent you not going on nights out? Surely they could have chosen to not go as well.

I don't get the other stuff (mainly because it's obvious that I don't get UC/free meals as my kids went to private school) but the idea that I must be lonely and want a relationship. Like I'm not entitled to be content if I'm not in one.

@CharlotteBog a lot of them thought I was unsociable or didnt like them, even when I tried to explain to them that I had a daughter to look after and was trying to save money for important things too. It got to the point where they stopped inviting me which was fine by me to be honest. I just made time to have lunch with them instead.

I suppose if you had wanted to go out you would have found a way. I mean, I hope in 18 years you had some evenings out with friends or family w/o your DD. I can see that telling people you're not going out because you want to spend money in important things might have been taken as being a bit superior i.e going out is a frivolous expense. Others choose to spend their disposable income on going out.

My son is older now and I find that it's harder to explain why I can't do evening activities. They see that I can leave him alone quite happily. I see that I do indeed leave him alone, but I wouldn't be a good parent if I went out every night. I explain to some that I do indeed have more time to myself, but I prioritise certain activities. When he's left home or away at uni I can then go out every single night.

It also depends when people end up being single parents. People could end up a single parent during the beginning of their career, compared to when they’re thriving in their career - these finances definitely impact how you continue when you’re single as it makes it very hard to progress compared to having the support of a two parent household.

Plus, people often are single parents and share custody or childcare and help fund childcare. Whereas single parents like me have an ex who only has our child when he finishes work and refuses to pay for childcare, so either way I’d lose money from leaving work early or funding childcare costs.

not all circumstances are the same, so to turn your knows up at situations that you only see at face value is harmful and is what causes the stigma regarding single parents.

These assumptions are awful. I can only assume being make these assumptions for two reasons:

1. the stereotypes surrounding single mothers
2. the knowledge that they themselves would be struggling financially as a single parent so they assume you must be too.

The only single mum I knew growing up was very wealthy. Lived in a detached house with both kids at an expensive private school.

Not single anymore, but...
That I am poor.
Didn't try hard enough at my marriage.
That I am.not as good a parent.

No lol

I was a lone parent myself for years. I was just replying to the thread title - I've never encountered any assumptions about single parents in real life, only on here

I could have written this entire post and will only add that I enjoy being able to turn the stereotype on its head and I hope that it goes some way to make people rethink before judging the single mums who aren't able to make it all work. I've been very fortunate to have supportive managers who made it possible for me, and a healthy DC who doesn't have any additional needs.

There seems to be a difference in the attitude of some people towards 'single mums' that they don't display towards 'lone parents'.

Funny that.

@LadyChilli

I've been very fortunate to have supportive managers who made it possible for me, and a healthy DC who doesn't have any additional needs.

Agree with this. These are extremely important qualifications and like you I am thankful on a daily basis for the fact these things have gone in my favour. In particular I don't think I'd have been able to get where I am if I didn't have female bosses.

The blindness of most men (and it really is nearly all men) to the realities of women's lives never ceases to amaze me. Even fathers, even supposedly "progressive" men who claim they support on the domestic front and support women's progress at work, don't understand how much work goes into being both a mother and a senior worker. They have absolutely no idea of the constant three dimensional chess game that's involved, how big the barriers are to your advancement and how little it really impacts on their lives.

I'd still prefer this to the alternative and I'm still grateful for it. But the longer I am a single mother, harder I find it to respect men. It's not their fault really. But they just never get how hard we have to work to be seen as half as good as they are.

Most single mums are so due to making wrong decisions- most did not choose to be single parents

Some people assume that as you made a bad decision regarding your child's father and life those same decision making skills extend to other areas

@jeaux90 @Thepeopleversuswork @LadyChilli

These have been my challenges too. Your posts really resonate.

Eugh.....if only I had the time to reply to this.
I am however very stretched with working and caring for a son with tonsillitis, and no support....what with me making a poor decision regarding my son's father. 🙄

@CharlotteBog I don't think that poster was slating single mums? If you read it again! I think it was the opposite in fact if I've understood correctly.

I am in a similar position.

and people do make assumptions. They seem surprised that I have the job that I do. They seem surprised I have my own home. They seem surprised when I can attend events they assumed I couldn’t. Assumptions I wouldn’t go for promotions etc.

I got a lot of surprise that I had a partner who I didn’t live with. There seemed to be an assumption that if I had a partner I wanted him to also be my children’s dad.

My friend convinced me to join tinder. Men were pretty awful. They assumed I was looking for a meal ticket and a new dad for the kids. When I explained I am not looking for something too serious, wouldn’t want to live with someone until my kids were older and earned plenty of money myself they became quite became really rude.

Well, my assumptions about single working mothers (and fathers for that matter) are that they are bloody amazing. I'm in awe and have huge respect for those who manage to be doing absolutely everything themselves.

Oh. I understood it to mean that I am single because I made a wrong decision in choosing the father of my children.

@BananaPalm thank you. It’s hard work but worth it!

@CharlotteBog I read it the same way you did

I think often it's quite the opposite, women who are brave and made the right decision to end a relationship when they saw it wasn't right for them rather than 'staying for the kids' and everyone being miserable.