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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about leaving daughter overnight

74 replies

Mumof3isme · 12/03/2024 19:08

Context: My youngest daughter is 6 and has never had a sleepover at anyone else’s house. On the odd occasion I have stayed away on work trips as has my husband but she’s never stayed with anyone other than us. (My older two are 9 and 11 and have had a few sleepovers with their friends). My 6 year old has never slept well and still sleeps in our bed every night (we try putting her back in her bed but she just comes back every night without fail!)

My husband has been on at me for a while about us having a night away together. I have always said no due to youngest child still not sleeping through and being with us every night. She will grow out of it I’m sure, but also we have no family who could have the kids and I just feel she is too young for a friend sleepover.

For Mother’s Day my husband surprised me with a weekend away- he has arranged sleepovers for all the kids with one of our friends. He has got the kids involved in the were all in on the surprise which was lovely.

However, I just can’t help feeling a bit steamrollered. I’m not comfortable with my youngest staying away from us, especially with this being the first time and us being so far away if there is a problem (which there will be no doubt as she still doesn’t sleep without us!)

My husband is now acting hurt and saying to the kids ‘see I knew she wouldn’t like this surprise’ to which I have asked ‘well why did you book it then’ and his response being, ‘well we would never do it otherwise’. I also feel like I am letting the kids down as they were all in on this surprise and I feel like I’m ruining everything by feeling like this. I just know if I go I simply will not enjoy it as will be so anxious.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2024 19:11

‘see I knew she wouldn’t like this surprise’. Well no, you said you didn't want this, he did it anyway, and thought he could manipulate you into agreeing because he pretended it was a present and made the kids join in. Regardless of whether you're being precious, this isn't a present for you, it's for him.

Moier · 12/03/2024 19:11

Are they all going to the same friends?
If so would that be more reassuring her siblings are there too?
If not.. no l wouldn't leave her either.. I'd be anxious while away.

showmethegin · 12/03/2024 19:12

I'm conflicted on this really. I probably wouldn't like feeling steamrollered however it's so so important to invest in your marriage, it's of benefit to your children too. It sounds like you have been disregarding what your husband has been telling you for a while which is that he wants time with you alone.

wellington77 · 12/03/2024 19:13

Who is your 6 year old staying with? If it’s not with family I would feel exactly the same, for safeguarding reasons personally

showmethegin · 12/03/2024 19:13

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2024 19:11

‘see I knew she wouldn’t like this surprise’. Well no, you said you didn't want this, he did it anyway, and thought he could manipulate you into agreeing because he pretended it was a present and made the kids join in. Regardless of whether you're being precious, this isn't a present for you, it's for him.

Eh? Time alone with his wife which it sounds like he hasn't had for 6 years at least, why is it wrong to want that?

Original poster
Mumof3isme · 12/03/2024 19:16

Its not with family, friends we have known for a while though

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3isme · 12/03/2024 19:17

Youngest two will be at the same friends, (they are friends with siblings the same age) oldest at a different friends house

OP posts:
TempleOfBloom · 12/03/2024 19:17

He shouldn’t be saying that to the kids, no way. But are you voicing your misgivings in front of them? Because you shouldn’t be doing that either.

6 is old enough especially if with older siblings and someone they know. Without your bed to get into they will probably be fine! By getting the 6 yo involved he was quite clever: like getting fussy kids to help cook. Your 6 year old agreed to this. Why aren’t you responding positively to that?

I understand you feeling steamrollered but also you have undermined his initiative with the kids.

Hercisback · 12/03/2024 19:17

It might be just what your 6yo needs to realise she can sleep through. I'm sure they'll get in touch if there's any issues.

Icantbedoingwithit · 12/03/2024 19:18

But she’s six, not six months. She is with her siblings and family friends. What do you think is going to happen?

HelpMeUnpickThis · 12/03/2024 19:20

Wow. She is 6. I think you need to invest in your marriage.

elizzza · 12/03/2024 19:21

Have you talked to your daughter about how she feels? At six she should be able to articulate her own comfort or anxiety about it. If she was in on the surprise maybe she feels ready?

Littlebitpsycho · 12/03/2024 19:21

What's the worst that can happen? Youngest has a rough night's sleep, not the end of the world. It MIGHT even help set a new (better!) routine.

I understand you're anxious but your husband deserves some of your time too and it sounds like he's gone to a lot of effort

TheDuck2018 · 12/03/2024 19:23

HelpMeUnpickThis · 12/03/2024 19:20

Wow. She is 6. I think you need to invest in your marriage.

This ⬆️

SingingSands · 12/03/2024 19:23

It sounds as if your anxiety is allowing you to sabotage this. I think it was a lovely gesture from your husband and I can see why he's hurt. If your kids are on board with it then why not do it? There's more to life than being just mum and dad.

RawBloomers · 12/03/2024 19:24

I think doing it as a surprise for you when he knew you wouldn’t want it is is pretty awful, really. If he wanted to push you into it he should at least ahve made it something for his birthday/Father’s Day/whatever, not pretended it was a gift for you.

However, assuming you’re happy with the friends, what’s the worst you really think is going to happen?

Your DD probably won’t sleep well and your friends may greet you with eyes held open with match sticks and a forced smile. DD may be upset. But she also may not. Even if she doesn’t sleep, she may have a difficult but also great time. Something different that expands her understanding of the world. My DD got homesick away from home until she was nearly 12, but she still liked being away overall, even though she would sometimes cry at night.

I think your DH is BVU to have made this a gift for you and you’re totally in the right to say “No thanks, that’s not something I’d enjoy and you know it.”. But I don’t think your worries are justified as things that would be bad for your DD.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2024 19:28

Eh? Time alone with his wife which it sounds like he hasn't had for 6 years at least, why is it wrong to want that?

@showmethegin I didn't say anything approaching that. It's not wrong to want it. It's wrong to make what YOU want into a pretend gift. As PP said, ask for it for Father's Day or a birthday if it's what HE wants. He knew SHE didn't, therefore it's shitty and manipulative.

Ariona · 12/03/2024 19:28

You are the problem. You are completely babying her and indulging this nonsense. She is 6! She may be the youngest but she isn't a baby! I can imagine how frustrated your dh is and I don't blame him.

SlightlyJaded · 12/03/2024 19:34

I think I'm with your DH here. He HAD to arrange time for you two alone together as a surprise, as you are resisting so hard and he can clearly see that the marriage needs it.

DD is 6 and going to be with her older sister. Perhaps this is just the thing you need to break the cycle. She really shouldn't be sleeping in your bed every night at six - maybe occasionally, but not every night. And importantly your OP doesn't read as though you think there is any urgency about solving this.

Sorry OP but I think YABU.

Quartz2208 · 12/03/2024 19:35

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2024 19:28

Eh? Time alone with his wife which it sounds like he hasn't had for 6 years at least, why is it wrong to want that?

@showmethegin I didn't say anything approaching that. It's not wrong to want it. It's wrong to make what YOU want into a pretend gift. As PP said, ask for it for Father's Day or a birthday if it's what HE wants. He knew SHE didn't, therefore it's shitty and manipulative.

Agreed - and some kids are ready some are not - it should be tried first whilst at home to see how it goes and build it up from there

investing in a marriage shouldn’t be doing something you are uncomfortable with either

OP I would say let’s keep the sleepover but allow to be bear if it goes wrong and take it from there. Trust your friends to handle what they can but have a clear boundary of her getting distressed to call you.

or have someone stay over so they are in their own space and start with an evening out

Chimpandcheese · 12/03/2024 19:37

Its quite possible she’ll be absolutely fine and will sleep through- she gets in with you because that’s her habit/routine. As long as she is comfortable with the people she’s staying with, and is well prepared and you speak to her / FaceTime her before she goes to sleep there’s every reason to think believe it will go well. At 6 she’s old enough to understand time and that you’ll only be away one or two nights /sleeps. Do the friends she’s staying with have kids? If so it will probably be good to put them in together (even if they do mess about for ages - they’ll conk out eventually). Give it a try and if you and your daughter end up miserable well at least you’ve given it a go and your DH might drop it for a while. Good luck!

Quartz2208 · 12/03/2024 19:37

And I have an anxious child whose safe space is his home who still hates sleepovers even at 11 he tried one recently and had to come home at 10pm for his own bed if I pushed him too much it wouldn’t end well.

Original poster
Mumof3isme · 12/03/2024 19:37

Thanks all. And yes maybe a lot of it is my anxiety which I do accept. It just felt a bit manipulative to have it ‘gifted’ to me thus turning a decline of a night away into a refusal of a Mother’s Day gift from the kids

OP posts:
Didimum · 12/03/2024 19:39

I think you need to bite the bullet on this and prioritise your husband’s feelings here. Sounds as if he’s been prioritising yours on this issue for a long, long time, and I felt sorry for him reading this post.

Children often do better than expected away from their parents. And I think at 6 it’s time you started giving her a little independence and it’s definitely begin to get her out of your bed.

crew2022 · 12/03/2024 19:39

It's a good idea to try a night away you might be surprised at how well it goes. Six years is a long time .

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