To be worried about leaving daughter overnight

[Mumof3isme]

Context: My youngest daughter is 6 and has never had a sleepover at anyone else’s house. On the odd occasion I have stayed away on work trips as has my husband but she’s never stayed with anyone other than us. (My older two are 9 and 11 and have had a few sleepovers with their friends). My 6 year old has never slept well and still sleeps in our bed every night (we try putting her back in her bed but she just comes back every night without fail!)

My husband has been on at me for a while about us having a night away together. I have always said no due to youngest child still not sleeping through and being with us every night. She will grow out of it I’m sure, but also we have no family who could have the kids and I just feel she is too young for a friend sleepover.

For Mother’s Day my husband surprised me with a weekend away- he has arranged sleepovers for all the kids with one of our friends. He has got the kids involved in the were all in on the surprise which was lovely.

However, I just can’t help feeling a bit steamrollered. I’m not comfortable with my youngest staying away from us, especially with this being the first time and us being so far away if there is a problem (which there will be no doubt as she still doesn’t sleep without us!)

My husband is now acting hurt and saying to the kids ‘see I knew she wouldn’t like this surprise’ to which I have asked ‘well why did you book it then’ and his response being, ‘well we would never do it otherwise’. I also feel like I am letting the kids down as they were all in on this surprise and I feel like I’m ruining everything by feeling like this. I just know if I go I simply will not enjoy it as will be so anxious.

AIBU?

He’s been completely out of order. He’s pretending he’s done you a favour when he’s planned something you don’t want and got the kids involved to manipulate you.

What’s with this insistence people have about investing in your marriage meaning being away from your kids anyway? I’ve had one night away from DD who’s nearly 5 and that was in hospital having her brother. Our marriage is very happy and in good shape. We have fun, we talk about non kid stuff plenty, we have sex, neither of thinks anything is missing, we don’t currently want to stay away. And my mum would happily have her for a night if we wanted. The baby’s still too young and breastfed.

What does he think will happen when you’re away for the night that’s so important he’s been so underhand? Why didn’t he plan ahead better, if he had to at all, and schedule in a sleepover for DD while too were at home? She’s accepted an invitation to a party which his selfish plan means she now can’t go to?

Tbh he sounds an unattractive mix of controlling and disorganised.

What are you going to do?

How he's done it is unreasonable. This is something he wanted masquerading as a gift for you. That's not ok. And saying "see I knew she wouldn't like it" to the kids is utterly out of order. Emotional blackmail using the kids as weapons. For this you have a right to feel he's unreasonable.

Re sleepovers age 6. Well he's as much a parent as you and can make that decision. Sounds like your dd is up for the sleepover too. So in that I'd say you are unreasonable. Would be different if your dd didn't want to go.

Overall though how he's gone about this is not ok

But that’s your marriage. That’s not everyone’s. Different people require different circumstances to get the best out of their marriage.

I’m not sure it’s fair to jump to that he ‘manipulated’ her – he may well have involved the children to show her that they were on board and happy to have this sleepover.

Thoughtful - next weekend without checking what could be missed. No this is totally for him.
@Mumof3isme ask said I get it I have an anxious child and doing it this way, missing a party and you being so far away isn’t the way to do it. Yes she is 6 and for many it wouldn’t be a problem but you know that it probably will.

talk to him, tell him you appreciate the thought and the idea but actually this isn’t the way to go, how about trying it in much smaller steps.

as for being up for the sleepover I would be rich if I got a pound DS for every time DS has been up for something that anxiety has stopped or nearly stopped. The breakthrough has been the understanding he can leave if he gets uncomfortable- so many more things have now been tried - some successfully completed, some successfully tried and left early and some we won’t try again. But that escape route has been vital and the trust that if he uses it he listened to straight away.

my advice is to keep the sleepover in (perhaps not on a weekend with a party as she may be overtired) with them to try but also make it clear that if it gets too much she can leave and you will collect - we have a word he can use and your friends the sane thing.

Dd slept in our bed until she was about 6 (not my choice; she was just too difficult to put back and i needed sleep), but she was absolutely fine staying over at my mum's or my sil's.

This

There’s never a good time. I had to leave my kids when my youngest was just a few months to attend a funeral we had to travel to so included an overnight stay. She didn’t sleep. My DM looked after them - eldest had slept over a few times and was fine. Youngest was a bad sleeper anyway and my DM ended up sitting up with her most of the night and snoozing on her reclining chair in her lounge - she’s disabled so couldn’t get up and down so took Moses basket to lounge near her chair.

when youngest was 18 months I became separated from their dad. They had to learn to sleep elsewhere. Then when he went to visit parents for the weekend - few hours away - he would regularly leave them with his sister to have a sleep over with their cousins so he could go out with friends. I wasn’t really keen for him doing that but it was on his time and his choice. Never did them any harm.

Sometimes you’ve got to bite the bullet. My youngest went on her first sleepover with friends this summer she 10. I worried but she was fine. She went to another sleepover with other friends in the Xmas holidays but one friend did get picked up quite late after she got upset and didn’t want to sleep. Wasn’t an issue for anyone. Some kids are better than others at sleeping out. But they’ll never get used to it if they’re not offered the chance.

Have you spoken with your DD. You said kids were in on the surprise don’t sounds like she knows about it and has not kicked up a fuss. It does sound like your DH was trying to be nice and kind of just rip off the plaster so to speak.

I don’t actually see this as steamrollering. I think he managed to get the kids on board in an attempt to alleviate your anxiety. I totally understand how you’re feeling, but given your youngest is excited for you and not upset, give it a go … it’s just one night.

if you drink, have a couple of glasses of wine when you get there and you might relax. As long as the family friends are briefed with what might happen, and are ok with that, you’ve nothing to worry about. Worst case scenario, they sit up with her watching Disney and chatting and you have a knackered child the next day.

Take some well deserved time out for you and your DH.

Yes , and she probably will have a good time and gain some independence.

Do you not want to spend time with your husband?

You could let the sleepover happen but you and dh stay in your own house - he gets his precious alone time and you have less worry as you're nearby just in case dd absolutely won't settle.
If it was me being manipulated like this though, I'd just announce how lovely an unbroken sleep will be and go to bed about 8pm and sleep 😁 after all it's your gift!
He's being underhand to manipulate you into a "might of passion" for him, he doesn't actually care of you'll be worried sick the whole time.
It's not about what any of us would do - you have said repeatedly that you aren't willing to go away and leave the children with anyone else, and he's using emotional blackmail on you and then to get his way.
This is about much more than dd not sleeping in her own bed. It's about him thinking what he's doing is ok, expecting you to go along with him, and then he'll want sex and no doubt complain if you aren't passionate enough. He's a bit of a git.

You're enabling her to be a clingy child though.

I feel for your DH. He had to do it this way to get you to go.

Be really honest OP, is it really all to do with your youngest or is it because you don’t particularly want to spend a night alone with your DH? Sex will prob be expected, not that you have to but the first night away in years it’s bound to be on the agenda.

I have a friend like this who just doesn’t like being alone with her DH. Their kids are early 20s now and age still shuts down his attempts at holidays together “as the DCs might need her”

You might be surprised how she sleeps at someone else’s house, my 3 year old is a nightmare going to bed and hasn’t ever slept in his own bed? Refuses to even be in his room to play alone, but has his own room at my mums house and goes to bed on his own and falls asleep on his own. He’s never once done that for me.

I'm struggling to get over my irritation and "ick" at him saying to the children "see I knew she'd hate it". UGH! I cannot STAND when adults do that. How dare he try to bring the kids down with his own disappointment. I'd be seriously having words with him about that aspect of things. Very immature and uncaring of the kids' feelings.

That aside, I agree with PP that it really might be a good idea to take this opportunity to test out 6yr old's first night/s away from you two. Especially since it sounds like she'll be with a sibling and in familiar surroundings.

Hi Op can I say both that I totally sympathise and also suggest you give this a go?

My 9 year old is autistic and also doesn't do generally do sleepovers - in fact I even had to drive to collect her at midnight once from my sisters!

BUT - big but. Marriage/ relationships are SO so important and have to be protected - your husband wants some time with you without a child in your bed.

My own totally anxious never sleeping through the night daughter HAS surprised me on a couple of ocassions and been fine sleeping in a room with her brother at her cousins or at her grandparents house.

She also went on a school trip overnight totally again to my surprise because she really , really wanted to.

Your daughter will be with her sibling - if she wakes in the night she will turn over see sibling etc and feel comforted.

worst that can happen? She wakes up has a bit of a cry and your friend gives her a cuddle - she will fall asleep again pretty quickly then - hey its morning and you are on your way home.

Yeah i tend to agree with you @Ariona if you like having your DD in bed with you every night then fine OP but maybe your DH doesnt! & his feelings are valid too. 6 isn't a baby anymore & she'll no doubt be fine having a sleepover. Marriages need work & your DH has gone to a lot of effort to spend alone time with you. Lots of men wouldn't bother tbh. Try & enjoy it I say.

So really you dont want your last baby sleeping away from you or you would be investing in your relationship and returning her to her own bed repeatedly. I know 12 year old who still sleeps with mum

She is your youngest, so its understandable that you need her to need you - which is what I think is going on here, but you have to let her grow. She is 6, so going for a sleepover with her siblings will be fun and exciting. Nothing disastrous is going to happen. If it did you are only an hour away. Your husband isn't being manipulative.

This is so true, manipulative a*&%hole.

Mate. She’s six.

Well I understand you feel steam rolled but it is possible that's how he's felt for 6 years. He's expressed how he has felt and it doesn't appear to have made any difference. I would be a bit frustrated if I was your husband and being ignored.

If your friends are prepared to put up with a bit of broken sleep I'd just go for it. It's one night and it might do your daughter a world of good.

I wouldn't be happy with this 'surprise' if my DH knew I was worried about leaving a child overnight.

And similarly getting the kids involved sounds like a fairly clever way of getting your 6 year old to be more on board with it then she would have been.