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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about leaving daughter overnight

74 replies

Mumof3isme · 12/03/2024 19:08

Context: My youngest daughter is 6 and has never had a sleepover at anyone else’s house. On the odd occasion I have stayed away on work trips as has my husband but she’s never stayed with anyone other than us. (My older two are 9 and 11 and have had a few sleepovers with their friends). My 6 year old has never slept well and still sleeps in our bed every night (we try putting her back in her bed but she just comes back every night without fail!)

My husband has been on at me for a while about us having a night away together. I have always said no due to youngest child still not sleeping through and being with us every night. She will grow out of it I’m sure, but also we have no family who could have the kids and I just feel she is too young for a friend sleepover.

For Mother’s Day my husband surprised me with a weekend away- he has arranged sleepovers for all the kids with one of our friends. He has got the kids involved in the were all in on the surprise which was lovely.

However, I just can’t help feeling a bit steamrollered. I’m not comfortable with my youngest staying away from us, especially with this being the first time and us being so far away if there is a problem (which there will be no doubt as she still doesn’t sleep without us!)

My husband is now acting hurt and saying to the kids ‘see I knew she wouldn’t like this surprise’ to which I have asked ‘well why did you book it then’ and his response being, ‘well we would never do it otherwise’. I also feel like I am letting the kids down as they were all in on this surprise and I feel like I’m ruining everything by feeling like this. I just know if I go I simply will not enjoy it as will be so anxious.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2024 19:42

Mumof3isme · 12/03/2024 19:37

Thanks all. And yes maybe a lot of it is my anxiety which I do accept. It just felt a bit manipulative to have it ‘gifted’ to me thus turning a decline of a night away into a refusal of a Mother’s Day gift from the kids

Well the answer to that is... "that's so kind DH and kids. And since I'm not yet happy for both parents to be away, Mummy will go and Daddy will stay and be available at home if anyone's sleepovers don't work out".

I mean I wouldn't but still. It's Homer's pre-drilled bowling ball.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2024 19:43

Didimum · 12/03/2024 19:39

I think you need to bite the bullet on this and prioritise your husband’s feelings here. Sounds as if he’s been prioritising yours on this issue for a long, long time, and I felt sorry for him reading this post.

Children often do better than expected away from their parents. And I think at 6 it’s time you started giving her a little independence and it’s definitely begin to get her out of your bed.

Of all the days to prioritise his feelings, Mother's Day isn't it.

I feel a bit like people are missing that part.

MummyJ36 · 12/03/2024 19:43

How far away will you be OP? Perhaps you need to ask DH what he thinks will happen if your youngest gets upset and wants to go home?

My DC1 is 6 and been invited once or twice to stay at a friends house but I’m just not comfortable yet. She is fine sleeping in her own room but I know she wouldn’t like being overnight at someone else’s house. When she’s a bit older I’ll allow it but for now, it’s a no.

Original poster
Mumof3isme · 12/03/2024 19:44

Will be just over an hour away so not miles and miles but not a ‘nipping over to grab her’ if it all goes wrong!

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 12/03/2024 19:45

You do realise she will be leaving home one day, what I mean is once our children are born the umbilical cord is cut

Being so obsessed at 6 you can't be away from her seems to mean you have issues to address

Icantbedoingwithit · 12/03/2024 19:45

Mumof3isme · 12/03/2024 19:44

Will be just over an hour away so not miles and miles but not a ‘nipping over to grab her’ if it all goes wrong!

But what do you think will go wrong? She doesn’t sleep?

Loopytiles · 12/03/2024 19:46

Not a ‘nice’ surprise at all from your H: steamrolling and orioritising himself. Also shit to involve and say that to the DC.

Original poster
Mumof3isme · 12/03/2024 19:47

this is a bit extreme. I’m not ‘obsessed’ I’m just worried about her first sleep over when she is a terrible sleeper and a very clingy child. That’s it.

OP posts:
Icantbedoingwithit · 12/03/2024 19:50

Mumof3isme · 12/03/2024 19:47

this is a bit extreme. I’m not ‘obsessed’ I’m just worried about her first sleep over when she is a terrible sleeper and a very clingy child. That’s it.

But she will always be clingy unless you let her try. She will be with her sibling and a family friend. You never know she might have a great time! She has already agreed to it so she is aware….

AlltheFs · 12/03/2024 19:54

My DD is a great sleeper but I don’t think we will be letting her sleep elsewhere at 6. Doesn’t sit right with me either and I certainly wouldn’t like how it was railroaded! YANBU

Fortunately DH is on the same page and I think it will be more like 8/9 here before that happens. We’ve not had a night out in 4.5 years but we aren’t fussed (we do date days occasionally though when she’s at nursery).

paranoidmumdroid1 · 12/03/2024 19:54

I'd be the same as you op, totally get it. Does he have form for bull-dozing? Ultimately it won't be relaxing or enjoyable for you, so it's not going to be a shaggathon is it? Selfish. I hate selfish "gifts".

paranoidmumdroid1 · 12/03/2024 19:55

She won't always be clingy.

Mentquit · 12/03/2024 19:55

Mumof3isme · 12/03/2024 19:37

Thanks all. And yes maybe a lot of it is my anxiety which I do accept. It just felt a bit manipulative to have it ‘gifted’ to me thus turning a decline of a night away into a refusal of a Mother’s Day gift from the kids

So your DH has been very thoughtful and the poor guy is manipulative 🤦‍♀️She is 6 will be with her siblings and will probably have a good time. Just go off and enjoy time with DH .
FWIW my youngest who was very clingy went for a sleepover when he was 4 with his best friend and he had a great time . It was a game changer for him and the rest of our family.

paranoidmumdroid1 · 12/03/2024 19:57

Other posters here saying it'll be fine - that won't stop the anxiety and therefore won't make it an enjoyable evening.

Cas112 · 12/03/2024 20:00

She's 6 op

You need to work on your anxiety that is obviously brushing off on your child

Everydayimhuffling · 12/03/2024 20:00

Have you got time to practice with her and do a sleepover when you can come and get her? It might help.

I'm with you OP: I think it was manipulative of him. He knew you didn't want to do it, so he organised it in a way that is very hard to get out of. I'd be annoyed by that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2024 20:00

So your DH has been very thoughtful and the poor guy is manipulative

@Mentquit he got her something she specifically said she didn't want. How is that thoughtful?

Original poster
Mumof3isme · 12/03/2024 20:03

So this is my point I think. It’s next weekend. If it was in a few months time I would be able to do a few practice runs where we are local. Totally off topic but she also has a birthday party that weekend which she wouldn’t be able to go to (obviously husband doesn’t manage kids social diaries so wouldn’t have known!)

OP posts:
paranoidmumdroid1 · 12/03/2024 20:03

But there are plenty of people on here who were "desperate" for a night without their kids within months of their birth so i accept I'm a minority.
You do you, op, and that is saying thanks but no thanks and call him out on it being a present for him not you.

Funkyslippers · 12/03/2024 20:11

I understand your worries however your dd might only be a poor sleeper because she knows she can get in your bed anytime! Obviously you don't want to tell her she's banned from your bedroom but it's a habit she's got in to that needs to be broken at some point. This sleepover could be the turning point, you never know

roarrfeckingroar · 12/03/2024 20:21

He knew you didn't want this and he booked it anyway. Your daughter is a red herring here. That's not a present for you.

Didimum · 12/03/2024 20:29

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2024 19:43

Of all the days to prioritise his feelings, Mother's Day isn't it.

I feel a bit like people are missing that part.

Show quote history

I don’t think Mother’s Day trumps your partner’s feelings, especially as it sounds like they’ve been disregarded for a very long time. But I realise this is MN and I’m likely in the minority on that.

SKG231 · 12/03/2024 20:39

She’s 6, not a baby.

you need to make sure you aren’t neglecting your marriage else one day you will wake up and your husband will be ready to leave after being neglected and ignored for years over issues like this.

be firm and get your daughter back in her own bed. It may take a few nights but follow through.

You’re not sending your daughter off to a war torn country, she’s going to people you trust and with her siblings. she will be fine.

Vettrianofan · 12/03/2024 20:54

Quartz2208 · 12/03/2024 19:37

And I have an anxious child whose safe space is his home who still hates sleepovers even at 11 he tried one recently and had to come home at 10pm for his own bed if I pushed him too much it wouldn’t end well.

One of mine is like this. He's 8. Doesn't like being away from home.

PansyOatZebra · 12/03/2024 21:03

Ariona · 12/03/2024 19:28

You are the problem. You are completely babying her and indulging this nonsense. She is 6! She may be the youngest but she isn't a baby! I can imagine how frustrated your dh is and I don't blame him.

This!

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