Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DD should not go to the Uni and accommodation as her boyfriend

63 replies

CleoRoad · 12/03/2024 11:52

My blood is boiling

Please let me vent!
She's 17, he's 18 and a drip.
They have booked the same bloody uni accommodation, right down to being in the same floor.
She's like his nurse as it is. And then she mirrors him that they both have anxiety etc.
She's didnt have anything until she met him,
He didn't go to any Uni Open days at all
They applied to all the same places. Even down to the same course in some of them.

AIBU to think she will never make any decent friendships at Uni or get the full experience if they come as a pair?

OP posts:
Arightoldcarryabag · 12/03/2024 11:55

You are likely correct but it isn't your life to lead, it's hers.
You've had your youth and learning experiences, but expect your daughter to just learn from what you are saying?

Let her live her life, if you aren't happy with how yours has turned out, don't project that onto your daughter. If you are happy with how yours has turned out, do your daughter a favour and let her go about her business as she sees fit.

Making her own mistakes will be very helpful to her, but making your mistakes will lead to resentment.

Cinnamonamonamon · 12/03/2024 11:57

I understand why you don't like this bit also think she needs to find out for herself by making her own mistakes.

Fwiw, I know a couple who did this. Not the same floor, but the same building for halls ans a v similar course. They're married with dcs now and seem quite successful. So it can end well I think

Skiphopbump · 12/03/2024 11:58

So many couples break up within a few weeks of starting university. I would be worried about your DD too.

Cinnamonamonamon · 12/03/2024 11:58

*but

Silly autocorrect 🙄

x2boys · 12/03/2024 12:02

I assume they haven't actually sat their Alevels yet ?
And its a good 6/7 mo that before university starts, the relationship might not even last that long .

SpringSprungALeak · 12/03/2024 12:02

Skiphopbump · 12/03/2024 11:58

So many couples break up within a few weeks of starting university. I would be worried about your DD too.

@Skiphopbump yes, but that's when they don't go together.

@CleoRoad I'd be less than happy too & id try to discuss the pitfalls with her (calmly!!) but if you can't do that, you'll just have to rant here or to your friends & support her as much as you can & encourage her to take up new opportunities at Uni.

Shetlands · 12/03/2024 12:04

Even if they cling to each other like limpets, they will be meeting new people. I can understand your worry but your DD will find out exactly what he's like day in day out and see how he compares to others. Maybe it will shine a light on their relationship and show her aspects of him that might not have been so apparent had they gone to different places. His drippiness and 24/7 dependency will probably start to grate on her after a while. Let's hope it does! :)

mindutopia · 12/03/2024 12:06

I would simply speak to her about what her options will be if the relationship breaks down before they start or shortly after. Will she still want to go? Where else would she consider? Is there time to make that change? Until what date?

I have to say, I applied and was accepted at a uni where my then boyfriend of a few months was also going. I did have romantic notions that we'd go off to uni together. He was a twit though and we broke up a couple months later. No big deal. I went to a different uni and forgot all about him.

TheSnowyOwl · 12/03/2024 12:07

I completely agree with you but unfortunately it is up to her to learn this lesson.

Octavia64 · 12/03/2024 12:08

My DS went to the same uni as his girlfriend.

They split up within weeks.

I understand why you are worried (so was I) but the chances are this relationship will not last.

Moonshine5 · 12/03/2024 12:09

I would do whatever I could in my power to dissuade her. On the plus side they're likely to break up.

Original poster
CleoRoad · 12/03/2024 12:09

@x2boys
No they haven't sat their A levels yet but they have picked a uni with the lowest possible entry requirements.
Basically if you write your name on the paper you could get in.

He is a useless piece of wet lettuce but he gets better grades than my DD so could have aimed higher.

There is no sign of them breaking up. He's her first boyfriend and I'd be stunned if he had a girlfriend before now.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleoRoad · 12/03/2024 12:09

@Octavia64

I will cling to this!

OP posts:
maudelovesharold · 12/03/2024 12:13

He is a useless piece of wet lettuce but he gets better grades than my DD so could have aimed higher.

His parent may well be on here ranting that your dd is dragging him down, then!

Original poster
CleoRoad · 12/03/2024 12:16

@maudelovesharold

I hope they are.
I actually asked him myself why he wasn't aiming a bit higher.

It's an equal bad move for him and in many ways worse for him he could have got into a much better university

I haven't met the parents but I know he didn't go to any open days.
He did go to a few offer holder days because he went with DD.

OP posts:
Feelingstrange2 · 12/03/2024 12:18

My DS went away for an apprenticeship and his gf followed. He was working and studying all hours but never took advantage of the extra curriculer offers of his apprenticeship. She was an exceptionally bright girl who gave up the thought of Uni and got a 9 - 5 job.

But they were happy. Its what they both wanted at the time.

After 3 years they split. They both needed space from being full time burdened adults. She's off to festivals and moved to a Uni city. He's enjoying socialising, sport and other work opportunities.

I think it's very unlikely your DD and her bf will stay together forever but, if they do, that's their choice. If they split it will be a bit awkward but nothing they can't overcome.

waterrat · 12/03/2024 12:20

I remember friends making similar terrible decisions for relationships - they grew up and saw the light in the end. Painful to watch but....might just have to be part of their life lessons.

Could you influence in any way?? ie. persuade/ bribe her to at least be in separate accommodation?

CharlotteLightandDark · 12/03/2024 12:21

Ah mate I feel for you, I would be gutted at this!

would she be open to discussing the pros and cons with you at least? Or is she fully committed?

maudelovesharold · 12/03/2024 12:23

CleoRoad · 12/03/2024 12:16

@maudelovesharold

I hope they are.
I actually asked him myself why he wasn't aiming a bit higher.

It's an equal bad move for him and in many ways worse for him he could have got into a much better university

I haven't met the parents but I know he didn't go to any open days.
He did go to a few offer holder days because he went with DD.

What makes you call him ‘a drip’ and ‘a useless piece of wet lettuce’, out of interest? What you like about a person isn’t necessarily going to be your dc’s choice, as I’m sure you know!

Caroparo52 · 12/03/2024 12:23

Being at uni will broaden the mind like no other experience. She may well decide that drip bf isn't her first choice ... there's plenty of other better fish in the sea etc...

HaveringGold · 12/03/2024 12:25

Just picking up on your comment about anxiety and "She's didnt have anything until she met him," would she actually have applied to Uni if he wasn't also going? Would it have been too much for her? Harsh as it sounds if together they can make the leap to Uni and then what will be will be at least they got each other over that hurdle?

AmaryllisChorus · 12/03/2024 12:25

Arightoldcarryabag · 12/03/2024 11:55

You are likely correct but it isn't your life to lead, it's hers.
You've had your youth and learning experiences, but expect your daughter to just learn from what you are saying?

Let her live her life, if you aren't happy with how yours has turned out, don't project that onto your daughter. If you are happy with how yours has turned out, do your daughter a favour and let her go about her business as she sees fit.

Making her own mistakes will be very helpful to her, but making your mistakes will lead to resentment.

Generally I agree with you, but in this... You get one crack at uni. It's the chance to spread your wings, be someone different from who you are at home, be independent and answerable to no one. Spending those years in a couple with someone who is wet and clingy will really stifle that opportunity to change and grow.

RosePombear · 12/03/2024 12:25

DH and I were in the same accommodation (same floor) and we made loads of friends. We had a group of mutual friends that lived in the same halls as us, who are still our best friends today and we see regularly. We also had our own individual friends on our courses who we are still friends with now. We’re now married with a beautiful DD. I know we might be in the minority but hopefully it gives you some hope that your DD may make friends.

AlexaPlaySomeHappyHardcore · 12/03/2024 12:28

I’d be upset/raging/concerned too. I think it’s going to be something she has to learn the hard way though. Hopefully the pull of new people, a new way of life, growing up etc will be quick and she will get out there, with or without him and immerse herself into her surroundings and friendships.

Original poster
CleoRoad · 12/03/2024 12:30

@HaveringGold

She was always set on Uni and went to lots of open days before they became a couple.
She doesn't really have anxiety ( or no more than the average teenager).
They use each other a bit of a human shield now. She now has a bit of a self image as being a bit different etc. I think some of it is social contagion.
Her friend group ( new school for 6th form) are bit of an odd bunch.

I don't know if he'd have gone to Uni without her even though he's more academic.

OP posts: