To think my DD should not go to the Uni and accommodation as her boyfriend

[CleoRoad]

My blood is boiling

Please let me vent!
She's 17, he's 18 and a drip.
They have booked the same bloody uni accommodation, right down to being in the same floor.
She's like his nurse as it is. And then she mirrors him that they both have anxiety etc.
She's didnt have anything until she met him,
He didn't go to any Uni Open days at all
They applied to all the same places. Even down to the same course in some of them.

AIBU to think she will never make any decent friendships at Uni or get the full experience if they come as a pair?

@RosePombear

Thank you.
He's not a bad lad and she could find someone who was far worse but
he's definitely brought her down and she is taking on some of his traits.

By "a wet lettuce" and "a drip" do you mean he just inst as manly as your taste in men, has emotional intelligence and doesn't indulge in toxic masculinity?

Try not to worry.. things can change very quickly at uni. They’ll break up, she’ll make some new friends. Just hope that it happens before she has to decide who to live with in second year.

I do feel for you ,but she's very young I doubt they will stay together forever ,even if they do end up at uni together, she will have grown up a bit by then and might not want to be tied down.

I wouldn't like this either but I'd focus on a small positive ... you describe him as being wet etc. this could be worse - he could be controlling / abusive / all sorts

So this is far from ideal but you at least have the worry removed that he will be couldn't towards her so that's something to be thankful for

Just repeat ' everything is a phase' as a mantra and o think you may find this to be the case

I'd have a proper chat with her though about it all. Involve him too if you can - why not? I'd also consider a chat with his parents and gain their input - but I'm just throwing this out there as a potential line to take

@SleepingStandingUp

Absolutely not!!
Far, far from it.

I'd be even more furious is she'd pick some macho type!

DH is about as far removed from that as possible and I'm reasonably convinced we have set a good example of a happy marriage of equals.
He was a stay at home parent for a while so we don't even conform to traditional roles in lots of way.

He is a boy who seems to have no get up and go, no ambition, no hobbies, etc
I could go on
He could be worse but she is mothering him and it's not a trait I like to see.

*'that he will be violent towards her' that should say! (As in he won't be!) damn autocorrect

I think there’s 3 ways this could go.
They make friends and stay together and hopefully making new friends gives her boyfriend some ambition/hobbies etc.
She makes friends and realises he isn’t the one for her, it would be awkward but I saw lots of couples that shared accommodation break up and most people just got on with it.
or they cling to each other and don’t make any friends. If this is the case I’d have a really frank chat with her, ideally before she applies for 2nd year accommodation, and explain your worries to her.

Realistically there isn’t much you can do, I’d have a chat with her (and him) and just ask whether they’ve thought it through but if they decide to go ahead then you’ve just got to hope everything works out well and be there for her if it doesn’t.

I did exactly what your daughter is doing! 15 years later we both have professional jobs, are married with 2 children and very much still in love. All of my friends and my family were "disappointed" and told me I was throwing away opportunities etc.

Let her make her own choices and support her in them. It might work out, it might not.

I think you are right to be cautious.
Keep talking (mine is yr 13 and our best conversations are in car or at midnight on my bed)
Posing what if?
Are you on What I wish I knew about university facebook group? I can think of several posts on there where it has gone wrong eg teen couple sharing a studio and then in a mess when all gone tits up.
Remind her rental contracts are legal agreements and she can’t easily move if they split - living adjacent to him and his new gf or vice versa how would she feel.
Are you expected to top up to max loan. I appreciate she’s an adult in September but paying £5500 a year so she can live with bf and not join in uni life is a decision to make for you. It’s not a given you will pay.

OP - I would also be concerned. And I say that as someone who’s been married for nearly 30 years to the boy I met at 18!
It more than likely will end, but there’s a chance it might be forever. My parents I’m sure had reservations but never said a word, and it all worked out okay. Just be there for her, thats all you can do as a parent of a nearly adult.

I took the sentence ‘she didn’t have anything till she met him’ to mean the op’s dd didn’t have any anxiety etc. till she met her b/f, not that she didn’t have anything in her life.

I know a teen who followed bf to uni. He dropped out so she did.
Being positive it sounds like he’s hanging on her coat tails so it’s her uni choice and course choice not her trailing him. If they do split it’s perhaps more likely she’ll stay as it’s her wanting that uni.
What course? If it’s one with a lot of contact hours and group work she’ll naturally meet course mates.

@maudelovesharold
That's it, you are correct

She has had the odd patch of feeling stressed or fed up etc
But on the whole we have been lucky.
I wouldn't want to be a teenager again especially with social media.

Of course it could be that she is starting to be more anxious and it's a mere coincidence that she has a friend group who have panic attacks etc.
I am not joking about anyone's mental health. It won't come over in a typed post but I genuinely think there is an element of social contagion

just another point of view. i went to uni without my then boyfriend and was miserable as can be. spent most weekends travelling to see him and couldn’t go out in the week as i spent all my money on train fares so didn’t really make any friends. i probably would have packed in uni altogether but after a year he moved to study in the same city. i socialised a lot more then both with him and without. now been married 30 years next month. those feelings are strong at that age and although they don’t often last your daughter won’t thank you for dismissing them.

On a positive note she has found someine she loves and who loves her. If they stay together then she saves herself lots of sleeping around etc. Just a thought.

Fwiw, my 1st uni experience was ruined by my clingy boyfriend ...he was abusive too.
It's not true that you get one crack at uni...i have 2 degrees and a pgce! I went back as a single lady and had the ,"proper" uni exoerience unencumbered by bf. Drink, parties, boys etc.
Lots of couples live together in halls.

There are genuine reasons to wonder if any teen couple should go to the same uni, especially if one seems to be limiting their options. However, you do seem very willing to put the responsibility for any issues you think that your daughter might be having on other people -be it her boyfriend of other friends.

@WhatWhereWho

She doesn't have any issues

I think there is a bit of "look at me, I'm just crazy" about it.
I don't know if you know the sort of person I mean? People who think they are weird and unusual but really are fairly ordinary.

She's pretty conventional and maybe she felt a bit of an odd one out?

But that's not my issue today.

My friends DD chose to go to the same uni as her BF. She was way brighter than him and had places offered at RG universities for STEM subjects. She went through clearing and got a place on a course that wasn't related to her field of interest in the same uni as him ( not that highly regarded.) They split up within 3 months and she dropped out- what a waste...

How did you fund 2 degrees though?
My understanding is if it goes pear shaped yr1 then she could restart a different uni and be funded elsewhere but if it falls apart later she’d have to stick it out as she wouldn’t get fees paid.

I can understand you are upset by this. One of my dad's friends did this. They ended up in the same building but not the same floor. They introduced themselves as a couple. They spent most of their time together. Then they broke up after about 8 weeks and it was a bit awkward.

Many people get anxious before a big change like finishing school and going to uni. He's her comfort blanket and she can even take him with her. She'll probably get fed up with him and dump him as soon as she finds her feet.

You get one crack at uni but each year's a new start - or even each term.

I wouldn't worry,

Sounds like a poor decision from both of them
But I don't think there's much you can do besides chat to them

Did she eventually go to one of those RG unis?

Sorry to hear

It does sound like at this point she feels the need to be in a couple. I had a similar experience when I moved out with my BF at 16. He was going to Uni, me college in some backwater-ass town. lol.
It didn't last (the relationship) But I gained loads of friends, confidence and got to realise a bit about independence.
This is not the rest of her life, just a portion of it. People that age are growing and learning. They like eachother now, but unless he seems coercive or abusive you should just let it run its course. She will meet so many new and different people at whichever Uni she attends.