In laws staying for 10 days

[twotoddlersandanewborn]

My in-laws live abroad and have booked tickets to come and visit for 10 days. We have recently moved house and will have a guest bed in our youngest sons nursery, however, not set up yet. We have been sent links to the two "beds" they would like for when they stay.

When they visit there is no helping out with the little ones and more sit on the sofa and observe with a drink in hand. I have no control over the tv, what we have for dinner and I am left to tidy up the dirty plates/hoover/clean the bathrooms after each use. I find myself constantly biting my tongue over comments about how we do things and the typical "oh his feet are cold".

My Fiancé and I were due to have a chat about the visit, although, he has already told his dad to book the tickets and all is dandy.

They are good people, just slightly over the top and I completely appreciate they live away and it will just be sheer excitement but the thought of 10 days under the same roof makes me very frustrated. To top things off, they have an occasion at the end of the 10 days and will be back staying with us for another three nights before flying back home.

AIBU in suggesting they break up their visit by staying elsewhere for part of the trip? Or do I just suck it up?

Definitely go and stay in the flat yourself if they insist on invading your home space.

Go into your zen space in your head and be totally blind to all their mess / needs / demands. Let their son take care of all that.

You are not a domestic appliance.

@twotoddlersandanewborn I'm sorry about your parents but it would not necessarily be different. I see this in my own family. I live abroad in a tourist destination so have family stay all the time.

My parents: tidy, cook, do food shops, bring a gift, take us out for expensive dinners. My dad says 1) a hotel would be much more expensive and he would rather see his daughter more and use that money to treat my family and 2) he does not want to be a burden on his son in law.

My in laws: Zero. My father in law borrowed my car for 2 weeks and didn't even fill up the tank. He handed me the keys and said it needs gas!!!!....to be fair, my DH says I should do nothing, he'll do the bare minimum and if they don't like it they can stay somewhere else. It took me about 3 visits from the in laws to really get that.

It has led to a bit of a disparity in that my parents now get the royal treatment when they come and they are allowed to stay for 3 weeks. My in laws have a time limit of 2 weeks and they get fresh bedsheets, a clean bedroom and two home cooked dinners (the first night and the last night). End of.

My point ? Some people are takers and nothing changes that. YOU have to see it, recognize it and make sure you don't turn into a martyr.

Why do you enable your fiancé by doing everything.

It's his family. He can host. Cook clean.

Stop doing it

Sit down with DF and ask him how it is going to work.

I used to do the running around. 4-5 days every 4-6 weeks. With a job and kids. Beds, food, entertainment, coping with side comments on the state of the house or how we raised the kids or spent money. Drove me demented as they were not good guests and criticised everything. And felt guilty as I HATED them.

realised I had a DH problem. He doesn’t even like spending time with them and buggered off to the gym every evening leaving me to it. It came to a head and they stormed out (I held the door open). But DH and I finally had a proper chat and I wish we had done it many years before. New rules were - DH organises visits, makes beds, is home and helps with food etc and spends time with them (if needed I go out). A few years later and I’ve relaxed the rules and do most of the cooking with his help.

Amazingly visits dropped off as he can’t be bothered to do all the legwork. So now we have lovely visits when we see them, they appreciate how much I do as he pointed it out to them, ans we actually get on well as I’m no longer resentful. And DH pulls his weight.

they are getting on. They frustrate me at times and aren’t my cup of tea in terms of chat BUT I appreciate their love for my kids and DH and enjoy seeing them together (and I dissapear to do jobs or see my friends when I need a break).

so basically, talk. It shouldn’t be on you. He needs to have a plan so he’s around host and be with them.

You have a five week old, another child and do all the house stuff whilst your chap goes to the gym and plays golf and expects you to skivvy for his parents.

I would take the kids away somewhere. Sod that!

This sounds like 1950

Jesus wept, stand up for yourself!

Nobody can make you do anything. Of course they want to stay in the free hotel with maid service. Of course your fiance is fine with it, he's not doing the work! It has no impact on him.

You do understand that none of these people have any respect for you, right?

Has anyone given them any expectations to help? Some people don’t feel comfortable helping out unless asked.

ask your partner to organise a few days out with his parents and your child to give you a break.

Two days is my limit usually. And my kids are older and help around the house.

13 nights is going to be tough!

Can you develop a bad back or something? Maybe if they realise you aren’t going to wait on them they’ll reconsider and stay intheir son’s empty flat?

Do they wait on you when you stay with them? Do you stay for two weeks and make specific purchase requests?!

That's hard! You don't have to suck it up.

I think you have to set expectations up front.

You will not be slaving for them. They can do their fair share of clearing up (unless restricted in some way).

You expect them to go out for a lot of the time, do one-to-one with the DCs, and take you out for a couple of meals.

Away from all this, your DP is a cheeky fucker to be off playing golf and going to the gym while you manage a 5 week old on top of two other DC. On top of that, you're still financially contributing and doing all of the housework and cooking? He has it made.

It's no wonder he's completely ignoring your needs in favour of his family. He clearly has no respect for you as a person. What kind of shitty partner treats someone they love this way?

You need to seriously step back and let this situation unravel. No one is going to look after you if you don't look after or prioritise yourself. Your DC will be observing this treatment and it ultimately affects how they treat you further down the line too. Ye be warned.

Do not get those beds! Give them an old-fashioned army-style camp bed each and see how that goes!

Yikes… they sound like hard work
and who do they think they are requesting you buy beds for them????

send them to a hotel for part of the visit as a “treat” 😅

10 days? Fuck no! Not a chance I would agree to that. And they get the beds you choose. However if you have an empty flat why are you even discussing beds - they stay at the flat!

This thread is over six months old……..

As someone whose grandparents (and rest of extended family) lived on another continent it was the highlight of my year when they came for their annual 10 day to 2 week visit. It wasn't until I was an adult that my mum confessed that she struggled during those visits for similar reasons to the one you list. Control what you can control but don't underestimate how important it might be to your kids to make these visits happen.

God love you, you sound very put upon by your fiancé.

He sounds very disrespectful of you.
You need to stop making them so comfortable.
An awful way to treat a pregnant woman.

What do you mean, you "have no control" over the TV? Just say "Hope you like Bake Off!" or whatever and put it on. Then ask them to wash up or watch the kids while you wash up or whatever. If your partner wants them waited on, let him do it. Don't be a martyr.

If they won't stay in the brothers empty flat then I think you should and leave your partner with his parents

Your house, your rules. Carry on around them, particularly if they’re safely moored on the sofa. Plan what you’ll be doing for those 10 days and make sure your fiancé shares his burden by taking them out. Often.

I'll pray for you.

Clearly your fiance got his misogyny / lack of respect from his dad.

But you OP... where did you get the idea that you should be walked all over ?

Exactly, they've been and gone by now 🙄

I don’t understand how women on MN get themselves into these situations.

They can sleep on a blow up bed, end of. Take the TV remote off them. If they walk and and play with their grandchildren they’ll warm up. This is for dinner today, would they like to cook or wash up?

they’re taking the piss because you’re letting them.

If they don’t like it, don’t come.