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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws staying for 10 days

100 replies

twotoddlersandanewborn · 11/03/2024 20:49

My in-laws live abroad and have booked tickets to come and visit for 10 days. We have recently moved house and will have a guest bed in our youngest sons nursery, however, not set up yet. We have been sent links to the two "beds" they would like for when they stay.

When they visit there is no helping out with the little ones and more sit on the sofa and observe with a drink in hand. I have no control over the tv, what we have for dinner and I am left to tidy up the dirty plates/hoover/clean the bathrooms after each use. I find myself constantly biting my tongue over comments about how we do things and the typical "oh his feet are cold".

My Fiancé and I were due to have a chat about the visit, although, he has already told his dad to book the tickets and all is dandy.

They are good people, just slightly over the top and I completely appreciate they live away and it will just be sheer excitement but the thought of 10 days under the same roof makes me very frustrated. To top things off, they have an occasion at the end of the 10 days and will be back staying with us for another three nights before flying back home.

AIBU in suggesting they break up their visit by staying elsewhere for part of the trip? Or do I just suck it up?

OP posts:
SuperstarDeejay · 12/03/2024 16:44

Why the fuck are you marrying this lazy misogynist? He sounds awful.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 13/03/2024 07:16

Do you really want him to NOT take paternity leave while they're here and leave you alone with them all day? I'd say using the leave is the lesser of 2 evils.

Make a point of telling him that he WILL help with meal prep and tidy up. If he then follows his parents to the living room expecting you to tidy up say "I'm not feeling 100% so I'm going to have a lie down. Could you take care of tidying the kitchen please?" and walk out. So he either gets to help you tidy up, or he does it all himself. He'll soon learn...! But you have to be firm.

Itscatsallthewaydown · 13/03/2024 07:18

Your fiancé is a sexist pig.

makeanddo · 13/03/2024 07:50

Have you just posted to have a moan or do you want some advice?

You need to stop being a martyr and enabling your DH. Make it clear that he needs to organise things when his family come. When he says they are just don't engage, just let him take control. Literally do your normal shop and look after yourself and the kids. Let him take the lead. Why would you do all this running around? They are all treating like a skivvy and you are letting them. More fool you OP,

WheresFluffy · 13/03/2024 07:51

After explaining the problem to DF, outlining that he can do the prep and hosting, I'd say to in laws that can get their own drinks etc.
"Oh, you're not guests here, you're family! Feel free to get a drink, etc. Just pop dirties in the dishwasher and DF will turn it in later" sort of statements.
Get them to hold your little one, to bond.

Ohiwish12 · 13/03/2024 09:10

I don't understand the demand for beds? Or are you getting new beds anyway for spare room? If so get what you want! And definitely shouldn't be doing all the hosting! You take yourself off and rest with baby when you need to and leave it for your partner!

MrWilyFoxIsBack · 13/03/2024 09:26

WheresFluffy · 13/03/2024 07:51

After explaining the problem to DF, outlining that he can do the prep and hosting, I'd say to in laws that can get their own drinks etc.
"Oh, you're not guests here, you're family! Feel free to get a drink, etc. Just pop dirties in the dishwasher and DF will turn it in later" sort of statements.
Get them to hold your little one, to bond.

This might be a bit too subtle, if these CF relatives are dictating the purchase of particular beds, deciding when they can stay, commenting on parenting, a an and used to getting their own way with everything.

I think Id make my stance crystal clear with fiancé before his family arrive: fiancé has two choices, either his parents stay in the flat and pretend to like it OR he does ALL the work while his parents are here to give YOU the benefit of his paternity leave AND he pulls his parents into line during the visit regarding their rudeness, laziness, and entitlement.

Otherwise you will take the baby and go elsewhere for the duration.

And there won’t be a marriage because you won’t put up with being treated worse than a servant in your own home.

Who honestly cares what their culture is? They are visiting you - it’s YOUR culture they need to fit in with, which is liberal, enlightened, respectful and equal.

Why you would have kids and marry such a pig of a man mystifies me. He will get worse as time goes on, and you’ll get increasingly beaten down by it if you don’t stand up for yourself now.

BIossomtoes · 13/03/2024 09:30

I’d move into the spare flat.

NeedthatFridayfeeling · 13/03/2024 09:35

I'd also move in to the spare flat and make it clear you aren't coming back until your home is tidy and clean post their visit.
And NO they aren't getting to choose bloody beds, cheeky twats.

TheABC · 13/03/2024 09:45

Why the fuck are you marrying this man? At 5 weeks postpartum, my attention was on recovering from birth and looking after the baby. DH did the cooking, cleaning and running around (especially as I had a C section) on top of a full time job.

Regarding the in-laws you are not a slave. They can stay in the flat and your fiancee can cook when they come over. He arranged it, he can do it.

This is your wake-up call. Its not going to get any better.

GrumpyPanda · 13/03/2024 09:57

Tell him it's called maternity leave, not house elf leave. You're not a SAHP.

And equally, if he's actually using his own paternity leave for his parents rather than looking after you and his baby then he's hoist by his own petard isn't he? By his own words, he gets to do it all.

Y6yhnsr5 · 13/03/2024 09:59

You've described my in-laws 😂

They visited shortly after I had DS and I thought great, I'll get some much needed help around the house but boy was I wrong. They are lovely and I do love them but they're lazy AF.

Sofa all day, drink in hand, game show channel on ALL DAY. They couldn't even bother to wash their dirty plates, they just left it there in the sink for it to magically wash itself. Asides from that, the only thing they were remotely interested in was the baby. Lucky for me I have a good man who looked after HIS parents and I didn't have to worry about lifting a finger.

I stayed upstairs most of the time and literally only came down to say hi and eat whatever DH cooked. I was internally rejoicing when they they left.

I was so gutted my mum couldn't visit instead. she'd bend over backwards to help us around the house.

Moidershewrote · 13/03/2024 10:04

OP, it already sounds like you’re martyring yourself in your relationship as it is.. This is only going to get worse unless you put a stop to it now.

Princessbananahamock · 13/03/2024 10:06

Sod that I would not be running around after them.
Just as a note Sainsbury’s have 25% of 6 bottles or more of wine, that’s what I would be planning.

Moonshine5 · 13/03/2024 10:09

2 issues:

  1. Your DFiances attitude to sharing work and taking his parental leave when parents are here
  2. The in-laws staying for 10 days
I think for number 1 you should answer the questions below. Who owns the flat? Is the wedding booked? Do you earn equally? Will you go back to work full-time? For number 2 - it's 10 days and your partner's parents, do it for him.
Bloom15 · 13/03/2024 11:31

YANBU

You fiancé is though - I just knew he would play golf!

SpringtimeBunny · 13/03/2024 12:33

Nope! I'd be putting my foot down and saying no way. They're not to come. It's your home and you do have a say in this

GabriellaMontez · 13/03/2024 12:48

Is this really how you want to live out the next 20 years..?

Make some changes.

Stop being so accommodating. Leave the tidying. They are all treating you like a slave. You sound like a cinderella character.

Out of interest, do your family have long visits?

Brefugee · 13/03/2024 12:50

learn quickly how to delegate jobs, so for eg, after dinner you stand up first and say: right well i cooked, I'll leave it to you to decide who washes and who dries. Then leave the room.

Tell your DH that you will do only your normal amount of stuff and anything extra he will do?

Move out for the duration and come back when they have left?

Tell them to stay at a hotel?

FirstTime867 · 13/03/2024 13:06

You have a fiance problem. You have unfortunately procreated with a sexist pig who does not value you.

Leave everything to him. Do not tidy up. Wash your dishes only. Do your laundry only. Let him sort beds, groceries and entertaining. It will be HARD, you will have the urge to intervene but if you make this a nice easy visit for everyone, do everything just for an easy life now, they will come again and again and this will be a problem for the next 20 years.

luckylavender · 13/03/2024 13:09

Springtime43 · 11/03/2024 20:52

i would offer to pay for them to stay in a hotel/air bnb. I couldn’t stand what you have described.

Not everyone has the means to do this

Rewis · 13/03/2024 13:37

Have the in laws moved abroad or is your finscé a foreigner?

If they decided to move abroad then I think there is room for negotiation. If you married a foreigner then I feel like it's something you suck up.

Teajenny7 · 13/03/2024 14:47

I found disappearing to breast feed for 40 odd minutes at a time was useful.

One thing I did agree with my MIL on was
'Guests are like fish they go off after 3 days!)
Saying that she didn't stick to it when she wanted to use us as a base.

Birch101 · 13/03/2024 16:44

I'm a bit perplexed why they are dictating what beds you should have in your house.... I assume you may have other guests at some point who will use the beds or are the beds temporary and then sold?

I don't think you can ask them to stay elsewhere and are meant to be hosting them to a certain degree however you can still have plans and things to do. In fact if your partner is taking time off whilst they are there I would book in that much needed trip to xyz, catch up with friends etc

In my experience inlaws want to see their children and grandchildren and their DIL/SIL is an addition so some time apart will be fine.

I also just tell my partner to do the washing up

Right your want bath and bedtime story or washing up and laundry

My view is if people lived alone they would have to do everything for themselves no matter what hours they worked so having another person around does not stop them being responsible for life/house it just means you can balance it together.

Being on mat leave does not affect this sure it's great if you can wait in for a delivery and put the oven on to heat up type thing but not just do all the stuff I would normally do cheers so I can then go and play golf

Original poster
twotoddlersandanewborn · 13/03/2024 16:44

Thanks again!

My Fiancés parents are from the UK and just live abroad due to work. We both cover the costs of the house/nursery fees etc, although, he does contribute more due to his income. I was working full time before baby 3 and have plans to return part time then up to full time.

I sadly don't have family around, my mum passed when I was young and my dad has early onset dementia (in hospital until he moves to a care home). Even before my dads illness, he would only come and visit for a day but didn't live miles away. Maybe it would be different if my mum was around? I often think about this and try to put myself in Fiancés shoes. It's just incredibly difficult when his parents are so lazy and OTT.

My Fiancé has said he will speak to his parents about splitting up their stay but I'm yet to hear anything...

Either way I will make sure to do less and try to get away at points when they are here 😅

OP posts: