Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws staying for 10 days

100 replies

twotoddlersandanewborn · 11/03/2024 20:49

My in-laws live abroad and have booked tickets to come and visit for 10 days. We have recently moved house and will have a guest bed in our youngest sons nursery, however, not set up yet. We have been sent links to the two "beds" they would like for when they stay.

When they visit there is no helping out with the little ones and more sit on the sofa and observe with a drink in hand. I have no control over the tv, what we have for dinner and I am left to tidy up the dirty plates/hoover/clean the bathrooms after each use. I find myself constantly biting my tongue over comments about how we do things and the typical "oh his feet are cold".

My Fiancé and I were due to have a chat about the visit, although, he has already told his dad to book the tickets and all is dandy.

They are good people, just slightly over the top and I completely appreciate they live away and it will just be sheer excitement but the thought of 10 days under the same roof makes me very frustrated. To top things off, they have an occasion at the end of the 10 days and will be back staying with us for another three nights before flying back home.

AIBU in suggesting they break up their visit by staying elsewhere for part of the trip? Or do I just suck it up?

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 11/03/2024 21:29

It really shouldn't be a problem for you as I expect your fiance will be taking control and most of the responsibilities and caring for his parents?

FOJN · 11/03/2024 21:31

My Fiancé really doesn't see my view point and thinks I'm being extremely unreasonable.

Your fiance is taking the piss. Tell him he needs to shop, cook and clean up after his parents, you don't mind team work but you've had enough of being taken advantage of. They can stay in his brother's flat if he's not happy with that.

The links to furniture for their stay.....how fucking rude. Buy what you want for your house, they can bugger off to a hotel if they don't like it.

Cold feet? Put some socks on.

You have a serious DF problem.

SquishyGloopyBum · 11/03/2024 21:31

You have a fiancée problem.

They don't get waited on in the flat, that's why they don't like it.

You could go stay there and escape from them all, see how they like that!! You could have a bug which you'd hate to pass on to them and ruin their event they are going to, hence you are staying away.

And don't let them dictate what beds you are going to buy ffs.

ArtfulDawn · 11/03/2024 21:35

Gosh I feel like this is my story to a T seeing what you've written here.

You say they live abroad. Are they foreigners ajd is this more normal in their culture?

I'm having this exact issue. We have negotiated their stays down to 10 days (from 14) and to 3 x per year (from the ask of 4!!!).

My DP says it's normal and he couldn't possibly ask his parents to stay else where even with the potential of us paying for an air bnb.

My only advice I can give at this stage is to use it as time to get time for yourself. Book a little trip away, days out and time upstairs watching your own stuff on TV. That's what has made it bearable for me.

I'm still trying to renegotiate my ILs stays down but for now this strategy makes it a little better.

Cat2024 · 11/03/2024 21:44

My in laws come over from France and are pretty traditional in terms of if we asked them to stay somewhere else/paid for a hotel etc…, that would be the end of any relationship and my DH would not hear of it. They come over for two weeks but the difference with op’s situation is that DMIL helps a lot and DFIl at least cleans up after himself. And they are nice people. I don’t think I could stand what you are describing, op. How do they not realise they are being unreasonable? Can you go away for a few days? Maybe your fiancé will realise then if he has to look after them?! Their attitudes are positively medieval.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 11/03/2024 21:45

Definitely make sure that fiancé has plenty of time alone with his parents and that you wouldn't dream of intruding on his time with them by doing all the cooking and cleaning.

If they are using them as single beds why would they care if they can also be zipped together?

DisforDarkChocolate · 11/03/2024 21:46

I'd go away to see my family if that happened to me, I'm not good with guests.

RaspberrSeed · 11/03/2024 22:11

The details are so similar to my PIL it’s a bit scary (down to the length of stay, no offer of help, watching a pregnant woman struggle and constant ‘observations’ on our parenting). DH used to behave very similarly to yours and assumed it was a ‘me’ problem - however the disrespect and entitlement never improved, and now we are very low contact as it can only ever be their way, no compromise. It took a serious toll on our marriage - I urge you to put down some firm boundaries. I’m sure if the roles were reversed he wouldn’t be waiting on your parents ten days straight while you looked on, right?

Menomeno · 11/03/2024 22:16

Can you buy a double blow up mattress for them? The alternative being the brother’s flat.

2Old2Tango · 11/03/2024 22:23

When you have your chat with your fiancé tomorrow, make it clear that you will not be doing all the cooking, cleaning and clearing up after his parents. I would be very clear with him that if he doesn't step up and support you by sharing the load then you will be reconsidering whether you want to marry into this family. Don't let them walk all over you OP and treat you like the maid. Your fiancé is the one who is being unreasonable.

SwordToFlamethrower · 11/03/2024 22:24

Hahahah! I would not be running around after them, drop the rope and let your husband crack on.

Be aloof, non caring and plan some nice things for yourself

SummerInSun · 11/03/2024 22:26

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 11/03/2024 21:45

Definitely make sure that fiancé has plenty of time alone with his parents and that you wouldn't dream of intruding on his time with them by doing all the cooking and cleaning.

If they are using them as single beds why would they care if they can also be zipped together?

I like this suggestion. Lots of "I'll get out of the way to let you three have a good catch up". And you need to be more direct "glad you enjoyed the dinner I made, I'll leave the cleaning up to you." Or even just get up and say "I'm going to get an early night as the kids will likely wake me up in the night, enjoy the rest of your evening" and then go upstairs without tidying up.

redastherose · 11/03/2024 22:27

If it's not a problem then he waits on them, he gets the beds ready, he cleans up and washes the dishes etc. you look after the kids and leave him to it, I guarantee next year he won't want them to stay at all. He's a lazy selfish prick who let his heavily pregnant Fiancé run around after his parents. He's the problem as well as them being entitled.

MoodyMargaret11 · 11/03/2024 22:40

Leaving the PIL visit aside, how much housework does your fiance do on a normal day?
Because it sounds like you are the default maid at the house, but are only noticing this when PIL come around.
Just stop doing most of it. Leave some dinners for your DF to sort, don't hoover or clean anything, shut your bedroom door or go out with friends and leave all of them CFs to it!

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 11/03/2024 23:09

Put your foot down and tell them you have the apartment all ready for them and 2 single beds. If you have small children you should not be expected to be doing it all and why does your partner not step up also.
Tell him you will all get on better once you have your own space and start that tradition now or you will be lumped with them. Different if they helped out and did not think it was a hotel and taking over your tv.

mondaytosunday · 11/03/2024 23:12

You're not running a hotel. Set out from the get go how it's going to be. I would show them their room, provide towels etc and then not go in there until they leave.
I'd tell them your daily routine and ask if they'd like to lend a hand bathing/feeding or whatever.,if they say no fine, but don't waver from your routine.
Give up the tv - that's a battle not worth fighting over.
And get your partner to do the fetching and carrying!

londonmummy1966 · 11/03/2024 23:38

My Fiancé and I were due to have a chat about the visit, although, he has already told his dad to book the tickets and all is dandy.

You need to explain to your fiance that as all is dandy he is doing everything - the ordering the beds, cleaning the bedroom making the beds shopping for food cooking it clearing up afterwards. If at any point he drops the ball you are removing yourself and the DC to your parents/a hotel until the visit is over. Bet he doesn't think its quite so dandy after that - but you need to absolutely stick to your guns this visit otherwise you are in for a lifetime of pain...

Ihatethenewlook · 11/03/2024 23:55

I’d take your child and go stay in bil flat

Springtime43 · 12/03/2024 08:27

I never know why the needs/wants of visitors trump the needs/wants of those already living in the house.

Cuppachuchu · 12/03/2024 08:48

In their eyes your home is a hotel, and you are their personal maid.
I'd bet good money that they chose the dates and duration of their stay.
You need to stop being so welcoming/obedient /a doormat. I wouldn't entertain their bed requirements, and I would tell your fiancé he is doing the hosting/catering/dogsbodying. Ffs.

Original poster
twotoddlersandanewborn · 12/03/2024 15:46

Thanks for all the suggestions and for making me feel like I'm not being a cow! Sorry to anyone else having to go through the same, it's really not fun 🫤

I'm definitely not bending over backwards to have the house immaculate for them and leaving the beds to my Fiancé. Maybe he will leave it too late to sort anyway...

I definitely do all the housework/cooking and this is apparently expected since I'm on maternity leave and my OH is working (Fiancés thoughts). He does help out with the boys but could reduce some of his gym/golf to do more around the house!

What I find really frustrating also is the fact he is willing to use the rest of his paternity leave when his parents are here, however, can't use it when it's just us and in the earlier days. Our youngest is 5 weeks old now.

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 12/03/2024 15:51

Perhaps you could go and stay in the Vacant flat? Don’t tell them where you are…

RawBloomers · 12/03/2024 15:54

If you aren’t breast feeding, this is the time to take up your own gym/golf/book club/coffee with friends hobby (and if you are breast feeding, still find things to do that let you get away and leave him holding the fort for at least an hour or two at a time). Not just while his parents are here, though definitely then. Do not let this pushing all the grunt work on to you because you’re on maternity leave become a precedent. You won’t be able to rid yourself of it properly when that leave finishes. (And while his parents are here, if maternity leave is a good enough reason in his eyes for you to do the housework, paternity leave is a good enough reason for him to do it.)

Aquamarine1029 · 12/03/2024 16:27

You are allowing yourself to be treated like the skivvy. It's fucking madness.

persisted · 12/03/2024 16:32

Ahh, no, he could fuck off with that.

I would make it clear he has organised it, they are his parents, and therefore any logistics are his to solve. Even more so as he has very handily arranged to use is paternity leave for that very purpose.

Any further requests/demands/ expectations/huffs would be met with baffled incomprehension...'but what do you mean you havn't cooked dinner darling? I thought you had all of this wrapped up because its so easy when you're at home...not to worry I'll make fish fingers and jacket spuds for me and the little one and get out of the way so you can sort it out' etc