Is there any hope for my son?

[onlyoneoutcome]

Such a long story but my son is 13 and has been anxious all of his life. He is profoundly attached to me to
The point that I am
Absolutely smothered. He will go to school but will do anything to avoid going, get out of classes, generally anything so he can be with me. Dad left a few years ago.
I've other children with special needs and as I was taken with working
Full time and parenting, sex took a nose dive and he found it elsewhere. He was an absent father and husband well before these issues though. I think it simply gave him an excuse to leave.
So kids have nothing to do with dad and vice Versa.
Son is so attached. He is much loved but sadly he engulfs all family
Time to detriment of others time and my
Mental health. He is controlling and manipulative but not deliberately. He will do
Anything to keep me near. Endless texts and calls
And declarations of gratitude and live but can be angry, aggressive and rude to me too. Like two different boys at times .
I cannot read a book . I cannot watch anything of my
Choosing on tv. I cannot sleep on my own. My life is utterly depressing.
I have got him
Assessed and he does not have ASD. He does have anxiety forever and is grieving apparently. I'm waiting for yet another intervention... this time art psychotherapy and CBT. He is also in wait list for CAMHS. Nine months at present.
I've been sent all different directions with him. Nothing has ever worked. It is
Almost like he does not want to get independent or unattached.
He believes that everyone is out to get him and imagines scenarios where he is hates by everyone. He also hides when we are out in case anyone sees him and tries not to leave the house at weekends.
I am at a huge loss and utterly depressed myself because of this so cannot be the mother I want to be.to him
Or the others . I am getting counselling and find it hard not to be angry with my lot.
Is there any hope for him?
Will it always be like this for him and for us ?
Please share your thoughts or experiences. I'm really at the end of my nerves.
Thanks.
Thankfully I work full time so I have that break.

Anyone ,
Please?

Gosh that sounds really difficult OP! It sounds It sounds like he has developed quite an insecure attachment style, perhaps worrying that unless her clings tightly onto you, you might disappear like his dad did. Does he have any friends or anyone in the extended family he has attached to too, or has it always just been focused intensely onto you? I'm also curious about how you respond when you assert any boundaries e.g. if you don't change the TV channel as he demands, or if you don't allow him to sleep in your bed? Does he have any ability to manage his distress if things don't go his way?

Im sorry, that sounds really hard. I’m not an expert but that sounds like more than anxiety to me. Can you try your GP/CAMHS again and explain how the situation seems to be escalating?

Im sure you have done all that though. You seem like a great mum, not that that makes it any easier.

Have you spoken to his school?

Hi OP

Didn't want to leave this unanswered.

Do you work outside the home or do you wfh?

It sounds like he is very anxious. Is there any reason for that you can think of? Trauma, family situation etc?

It sounds like he is using you to calm his anxiety. I wonder if maybe using something like a transitional object might help him - so when small children have separation anxiety if you get a cuddly toy and you sleep with it it will smell of you.

They can then use it to reassure themselves even though you are not physically there.

Talk to Therese Langford of https://www.facebook.com/calmmindhypnotherapy - she specialises in children with anxiety.

As tricky as things may feel right now, there is plenty of hope! To me (I am a psychologist) it sounds like severe anxiety - possibly social anxiety from what you say about him imagining that others are judging him/thinking badly of him. Trying to get him some CBT would probably be a good place to start, as this will help get to the bottom of what he is actually worrying about, and give him some skills to hep him tackle unhelpful thinking patterns and start to build his confidence. But the more you can do to gently encourage and support him to begin to use his own coping resources the better. Is there any history of being bullied or anything like that?

There's some information on the hampshire cahms website https://hampshirecamhs.nhs.uk/help/parents-carers/anxiety-professionals/ while you're waiting if that's any help at all to you. It sounds extremely difficult. I hope it gets easier for you all.

Have you looked in to PDA op?

My son was like this at 11 too. It was so awful as he wanted to be with me all the time- torture much of the time not having any space, and he wanted to sleep in my bed too.
Last year I went away for a week, he was 12 then.
When I got back, he stopped doing it!! What a relief. I think the stopping was also associated with going into year 8.
It's a type of anxiety, and there is hope.

He sounds like my son used to be. He does have autism though.
We did a parental cbt course and put it in place for him, it changed our lives. He still can be anxious but at least we can be in a different room from him now and he sleeps in his own bed. He had had counselling previously without any change but the cbt was amazing. Good luck, I know it's hard.

He responds badly to boundaries. Fights me at every bend. I feel broken and full of anger and sadness. I've enrolled in a CBT course so I look forward to that. He has experienced low level bullying but that has sorted out.
I now go out sometimes just to do that for a a breather and explain where I am , what I am doing, when I will be back but he hates it and texts me relentlessly. If I'm late and even if an adult is present and I've explained that I'm
Delayed.. in a meeting or similar... he'll shout, cry and ring me continually .

Really feel for you! You are doing an amazing job. Full time single mum doing it all on your own with children that need additional support, and supporting your children is every way you can think. You're a good mum already having the cahms referral in and everything you are doing. But I completely understand feeling overwhelmed. It must be so hard for you.

CBT is really good, for you and your child.
Have the school got a counsellor? Many do now, worth a shot. If not head back to the GP and explain how the escalating behaviour is really affecting everyone right now.

Great advice above.

Have you tried worksheets like 'how to starve the anxiety gremlins?' Had loads of students use these working alongside adults but I don't know alot about it. Might be worth asking in school if anyone could work through it with your child.

Also I had a student who sounded like they were in a very similar situation. At 13 he slept in mum's bed, became a school refused, bunked when in school, dad wasn't on the scene, wanted to be near mum. She felt the same as you. By 16 (I went on maternity leave so didn't see him for 1.5 years of this) he was able to attend prom, attendance was much improved, in his own room in his own bed, sleep routine was on track, a whole lot better. There is hope! Wishing you all the luck.

Thank you all for your messages of hope. I start a CBT for teens course tomorrow night and he has agreed to do the workbook that has been posted earlier by a pp. I can't thank you enough. I'm desperate at this stage as I know that my own mh is on verge of collapse

Gosh does sound like autism (sounds like ny own autistic child)....are there other traits.

He is obsessive and has compulsions. His sister has ASD, OCD and ADHD aswell as anxiety.
They feel that his masking ie his ability to be an entirely
Different child
Depending on circumstances is related to anxiety.

CBT is rarely used in children under 13 because it requires logical thinking so I think that might be slightly out of reach for the OP. Plus it’s often got extremely long waiting lists unless people can go private.

The art psychotherapist uses CBT also. He is a logical astute nearly 14 year old
So
I'm praying this works.

My son went from independent outgoing and social to a nervous anxious school refuser.
He spent 3 years suffering chronic anxiety.

I went through hell and back with it. But we have turned a corner and now he is 17 and actually has a girlfriend and attends higher education.

He refused to see a doctor or talk to anyone and it was just constantly supporting and gently pushing him to college and job interviews that got him out there.
It's taken a long time but I'm hopeful so please don't give up

@misssunshine4040 I don't mean to be copying etc but I had the exact same with my eldest from beginning of lockdown which coincided with dad leaving, house move, break up if her first love. She came through and is now back to her old self and flourishing in uni . Deo Gratias

@onlyoneoutcome he had 3 false starts at college as he couldn't get a handle on the anxiety.
He would throw up with nerves at before a job interview.
I used to take him to building and wait outside. 4 separate McDonald's interviews and he eventually got a position part time and it was great for him.
He accepted he had to go to college and this year (so far) he's cracked it. I nearly passed out with disbelief when he started bringing a girlfriend over 😂

It's so tough but keep being gently persistent and seek as much support for yourself as you can

My DS was like this (perhaps not quite so extreme, but still very challenging) before Covid. He had various therapy, including CBT, which appeared to make no difference. However, he is now a happy and very confident 17 year old who loves his independence. I don't know what changed it for him, and nor does he, but two things are apparent. One is puberty. Two was lockdown and spending a lot of time with me in what he considered a very safe place., i.e. home.

I know you'll probably get advice about trying to gradually build up his independence and try different therapies etc (and those things may well work for you, which would be great), but have you tried doing the opposite? Not forcing him to do things? Warmly welcoming and embracing his requests? Finding things to do together? Letting him sleep in your room? Sharing secrets? Anything and everything to show him that he is safe, loved, can trust you, etc? I realise this might be really difficult given you have other children with their own needs, but maybe it wouldn't be for long? I know this might be an unpopular suggestion, but given nothing else has worked, it might be worth thinking about.

@Kissmystarfish my son is now 11, we did it when he would have been about 8 but it was a parental led one so my son never even spoke to the lady, myself and my husband met with her and implemented the plans with her help.
This was private however as I appreciate we were lucky to be able to do this and I understand waiting times on the nhs are very long.

Good luck! I know how hard it is. I hope you look back in a few months and see how far you both have come.

Sounds like borderline personality disorder. Hope you can get to the root cause of it OP and get support.

Borderline personality disorder ???
He was seen by CAMHS originally who said he does not have axis1 disorders ( I think?) which means he doesn't not have a specific psychiatric disorder but def anxiety