Is there any hope for my son?

[onlyoneoutcome]

Such a long story but my son is 13 and has been anxious all of his life. He is profoundly attached to me to
The point that I am
Absolutely smothered. He will go to school but will do anything to avoid going, get out of classes, generally anything so he can be with me. Dad left a few years ago.
I've other children with special needs and as I was taken with working
Full time and parenting, sex took a nose dive and he found it elsewhere. He was an absent father and husband well before these issues though. I think it simply gave him an excuse to leave.
So kids have nothing to do with dad and vice Versa.
Son is so attached. He is much loved but sadly he engulfs all family
Time to detriment of others time and my
Mental health. He is controlling and manipulative but not deliberately. He will do
Anything to keep me near. Endless texts and calls
And declarations of gratitude and live but can be angry, aggressive and rude to me too. Like two different boys at times .
I cannot read a book . I cannot watch anything of my
Choosing on tv. I cannot sleep on my own. My life is utterly depressing.
I have got him
Assessed and he does not have ASD. He does have anxiety forever and is grieving apparently. I'm waiting for yet another intervention... this time art psychotherapy and CBT. He is also in wait list for CAMHS. Nine months at present.
I've been sent all different directions with him. Nothing has ever worked. It is
Almost like he does not want to get independent or unattached.
He believes that everyone is out to get him and imagines scenarios where he is hates by everyone. He also hides when we are out in case anyone sees him and tries not to leave the house at weekends.
I am at a huge loss and utterly depressed myself because of this so cannot be the mother I want to be.to him
Or the others . I am getting counselling and find it hard not to be angry with my lot.
Is there any hope for him?
Will it always be like this for him and for us ?
Please share your thoughts or experiences. I'm really at the end of my nerves.
Thanks.
Thankfully I work full time so I have that break.

If he's been assessed and doesn't have BPD, then that's fine. Your descriptions are just reminiscent of individuals I've known with borderline.

He hasn't been
Specifically assessed for BPD but was seen by CAMHS PSych who believed
he had ASD. Told me to
Re refer if found not to have ASD, which I've done. Would he have picked up on BPD on first consultation with history etc?

Who assessed him for asd? My apologies if you have already mentioned this. Does he show any other signs?

He had a MDA and it came back negative

I really don't know OP. He just has traits that are reminiscent of individuals with borderline. I'd research it and see what you think and then you can raise it with them if you think it's worth exploring.

He sounds quite similar to my son. Though I didn’t have the aggression to deal with.

We did Safe Sound Protocol- it made a huge difference it’s a listening therapy.

We also had lots of conversations about how it makes me feel / how he feels and tried to unpick the worries.
Getting into a team sport also helped and has provided an outlet outside the home.

It’s so tough and feels like you are being ground down but you are doing great. Keep popping out and getting a breather. Perhaps start introducing trips out where you say you won’t have phone contact.

I always overestimated the time I’d be out, and would pre-agree contact points whilst I was out (in attempt to stop the endless calls and texts).

That was my thought- can be a confusing presentation of autism that is more easily missed, and an obsessive attachment to a particular person isn’t uncommon. Almost like that person is there ‘special interest’ in the same way that they can become obsessed with a topic or thing.

He is too young for a bpd diagnosis (doesn’t sound like it to me anyway).

Could be an an attachment disorder (anxious/ambivalent maybe)- that is frequently diagnosed as bpd in adults, but you would expect there to have been some fairly significant trauma and parenting issues, which it doesn’t sound from your post that there are.

OP one of the psychiatrist who devised the diagnosis Borderline Personality Disorder decades ago now believes that patients who were diagnosed with BDP in fact were suffering from trauma. Trauma is able to be treated by a number of therapies, without drugs. Whereas borderline patients faced a lifetime on drugs. this doesn't like borderline to me.

There are a lot of things you can do to help your ds with how he is feeling and these are some ideas - these are just ideas though:

Going out for a long walk, say 2 hours or so, at weekends and talking to him (and other family members) the whole way will be great for him and for you - the exercise will make you all feel better, and although it doesn't sound appealing once you are on it and enjoying each other's company it will hopefully be great and it will give you a chance to hear him chat naturally which might give clues as to why he is feeling as he does.

Talk about his feelings a lot

If he likes art, get him to do a lot of it at home - good for selfexpression

Encourage other hobbies - sport, music

Go for jogs with him - the feel good hormones will raise his mood if you go regularly

Make sure he has support he needs to do well at school as that will help with selfesteem

Pre arrange things to do together for him to look forward to such as films you will watch together

If he doesn't want to be seen by people maybe take him out somewhere a bit further away,with the family, somewhere he might like to see and where he is unlikely to bump into people he knows

The aggression is an indication of how he is feeling but still important that you talk about what is and isn't acceptable behaviour.

Hiding as you describe is a temporary solution but will likely cause more problems than it helps, in the end - giving your dc more tlc is probably better it will pay off in the long run - though I agree it can be very tiring.

13 is still v young for some boys I am sure he will be fine. Maybe imagine the kind of life you'd like him to have as an adult, talk to him aqbout it, how he feels about the future, what he'd like to do as a job, and work out what skills you could help him with now to help build towards it

Hey, OP.

It's good you are having counselling. What else are you able to do for your own mental health? I appreciate it's not easy, but have you other strategies to connect, relax, recharge yourself?

Sorry, to answer your OP, yes, absolutely there's hope. Loads of things that may well help, and are worth exploring. But I think the first thing to concentrate on is you and your needs.

I feel for you OP, but there is always hope. Can you look into a reputable parenting /attachment course? It makes a massive difference, how you respond to him & how he responds in turn 💐

He really sounds Autistic in multiple ways. I know he has been assessed but I do have little faith in the CAMHS system. I was told continually by everyone around me my son wasn't Autistic and was refused an assessment because of lack of evidence by the school. He's so clearly Autistic! I paid for a private assessment in the end. He's Autistic, ADHD and has PDA traits. I'm really sorry if he's been assessed and you're happy with that and there's no doubt on that one. I really dislike the BPD diagnosis as it sounds like a dump all when they don't know what's going on.

You sound like a really caring mum, no wonder you're on the edge with all this. It's too much. I hope you get some support. I don't know if anxiety medication is am option. I know people can be really judgemental about that but tbh in that situation I'd do anything to help make it easier for him and you. If meds is all you have then can you talk about that?

I hope there's no suggestion by any professionals this is your fault because I see that default alot. The fact you have other kids with ASD just makes me feel this might have been missed. I'm glad I went private in the end ( family paid so I was lucky) because from what I've seen some professionals do not understand this at all.

@Lucythecleaner I thought PDA too, which if people don’t know is a profile of ASD (autism) OP, I know you said he was checked for ASD but it doesn’t mean he definitely doesn’t have it. I have an Asd son who I’m pretty sure has PDA too and he has severe anxiety and struggles to be away from me, thinks very little of himself, often comments like everyone hates me, they think I’m stupid/ugly. He sees a lot of things from me as rejection-it’s bedtime means I don’t love him etc. it’s mentally so draining. Single parent here too so all falls to me.

Your son is not a customer for reducing his anxiety. You need SPACE Treatment (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Behaviours), which is a parent intervention for anxious children and adolescents. Www.spacetreatment.net. Look under SPACE Providers and filter by country to find UK providers.

I am not sure diagnoses labels are much help from a practical point of view. Whether or not he has high level autism or PDA or anxiety, the therapeutic things that work are the same. If autism were seriously affecting other areas of his life such as school work that would be a different matter and presumably the school would want intervention. It doesn't sound as though that is the case.

OP is clearly very loving, this is evident from how her son needs her and relies on her, but I think the posters who are saying there has not been parenting problems or trauma underestimate the effect of an absent parent on a child. Here the father was not engaged even while at home, and he has since buggered off with someone else and from the sound of it makes zero effort still. This IS a parenting problem and it IS traumatic, however wonderful the remaining parent is. I don't know whether OP talks about this terrible loss with her son, if not that is definitely worthwhile too. There might also have been other things which have happened which he has found it hard to express. Or he may just need extra help while he comes to terms with it. At thirteen it is likely to be hitting hard.

Hats off to all the single parents or acting single parents who are trying to make up for the absence of the other!

@circlesnsquares

Whether or not he has high level autism or PDA or anxiety, the therapeutic things that work are the same

This is not true about PDA- very few if the usual interventions that are used for asd or mental health problems are effective with PDA unless they are heavily adapted by someone who knows PDA.

This is why PDA children still struggle in special schools.

I have looked up PDA and the advice to parents is very similar to parenting advice which is based on developmental research - eg such as that in ahaparenting. com (the advice is from a clinspscych and based on peer reviewed research about child development and parenting) - which would also be the same as the parenting advice for children with high levels of anxiety.

Interventions for schools for PDA might be different, as distinct from advice to parents, I am not sure. But the OP wanted advice about the home situation, I thought.

Can you explain a bit further what differences there are in your experience, PDA vs anxiety, though?

This sounds very much like my 13 year old son. He has had anxiety for years and barely leaves the house now not even for school. We have finally had assessment from CAMHS and they have prescribed sertraline. I am so so hopeful this will help after years and years of trying everything else we possibly could.

Does he like animals ?

Can you get a dog or a cat that can become his best friend, instead of you ?

The dog would also get him out of the house for exercise

Apologies if this is the bleeding oblivious OP but have you tried just focussing on tacking one thing? For example, the co-sleeping ..talking to him about why you want it too change, how it makes you feel, how it’s impacting on both your lives. Then slowly introducing steps to change it e.g he goes to bed first, you’ll join him later or whatever and gradually building up to one night,then two etc? Im just thinking if you can crack one thing then it gives you lots of opportunity for praise, talking it through etc so it can be applied to other behaviours?

Where did you look up pda?

@Yourowncase it was quite a wide variety of sites, from professional advice to blogs. I didn't make a note of any website names, I am sorry, and I don't have time to look back now! NB the US doesn't recognise PDA at the moment and ahaparenting is US - but the body of child development/parenting research they refer to is used both in UK and US, if that makes sense. Autism and trauma can present in very similar ways, as you probably know. Similarly, behaviour can be interpreted in more than one way - ahaparenting I think would see behaviour as communication, and talks about how to respond. I apologise I am rushing at the moment, and so this may sound disjointed or not clear, if so apologies.

https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-pda-menu/about-autism-and-pda/

https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/life-with-pda-menu/family-life-intro/helpful-approaches-children/

https://childmind.org/article/pathological-demand-avoidance-in-kids/

These all have sections on how best to work with pda children, and why usual parenting and education methods don’t tend to work well.

For example PDA children need very low demand care-

many asd interventions are very routine based- designed to reduce anxiety due to uncertainty, and to habituate certain activities to make transition points easier for children-

this is likely to be very stressful for pda children because the expectation to follow a routine is a demand in itself, and involves doing x then y then z each time and each of them is a demand as well.

Unlike many children with more classic presentations of asd, pda children can actually be relieved by changing routine and having spontaneity in their day- this is very difficult in schools where they have timetables.

Habituation also doesn’t tend to reduce anxiety because the activity remains a demand, then the repetition to make it habitual is also a demand.

That’s only one example, and obviously varies from person to person.

I have 2 DC with ADHD and anxiety. I too feel suffocated sometimes OP so you're not alone.

Pps have posted good advice. Only one I wouldn't follow is getting a cat. Dcs persuaded us to get a cat because they thought stroking it would calm them.
It's true it absolutely does. And they both totally adore DCat. So when he started going out they both panicked. Then it was just a panic if we called DCat and he didn't appear immediately (you know, as he was being a cat and off exploring). Now, 2 years in its getting better but they still get stressed every bloody evening about whether we can get the cat in for the night (its dangerous where we live at night for cats). Sigh.

We've started therapy for our 9 year old due to his school refusal last year and nightly nightmares. I've also put in a request for my 12 year old to start therapy cos he's struggling a lot right now and I'm noticing some tics. He emails me most days from school panicking about something and we need help.