Is there any hope for my son?

[onlyoneoutcome]

Such a long story but my son is 13 and has been anxious all of his life. He is profoundly attached to me to
The point that I am
Absolutely smothered. He will go to school but will do anything to avoid going, get out of classes, generally anything so he can be with me. Dad left a few years ago.
I've other children with special needs and as I was taken with working
Full time and parenting, sex took a nose dive and he found it elsewhere. He was an absent father and husband well before these issues though. I think it simply gave him an excuse to leave.
So kids have nothing to do with dad and vice Versa.
Son is so attached. He is much loved but sadly he engulfs all family
Time to detriment of others time and my
Mental health. He is controlling and manipulative but not deliberately. He will do
Anything to keep me near. Endless texts and calls
And declarations of gratitude and live but can be angry, aggressive and rude to me too. Like two different boys at times .
I cannot read a book . I cannot watch anything of my
Choosing on tv. I cannot sleep on my own. My life is utterly depressing.
I have got him
Assessed and he does not have ASD. He does have anxiety forever and is grieving apparently. I'm waiting for yet another intervention... this time art psychotherapy and CBT. He is also in wait list for CAMHS. Nine months at present.
I've been sent all different directions with him. Nothing has ever worked. It is
Almost like he does not want to get independent or unattached.
He believes that everyone is out to get him and imagines scenarios where he is hates by everyone. He also hides when we are out in case anyone sees him and tries not to leave the house at weekends.
I am at a huge loss and utterly depressed myself because of this so cannot be the mother I want to be.to him
Or the others . I am getting counselling and find it hard not to be angry with my lot.
Is there any hope for him?
Will it always be like this for him and for us ?
Please share your thoughts or experiences. I'm really at the end of my nerves.
Thanks.
Thankfully I work full time so I have that break.

My neighbour had a child like this. They sent him to boarding school as a weekly border. 2 years later he is a different child. Very supportive school though.

Before you posted that his sibling has ocd I wondering OP if he was having intrusive thoughts about you/losing you making him behave this way that he hadn’t been able to express?

This sounds like severe separation anxiety. I have dealt with a milder case as an adult. What really worked for me was metacognitive therapy. Its similar to CBT but has some additional components.

Why do people on the Internet think they know better than actual medical professionals based on a few paragraphs? Op's son has been tested for autism and it was determined he doesn't have it. No clue why you all think you know better having never met the child. So many diagnoses being thrown out here none of which are actually helpful.

Op I'm also no expert and you'll know your son best but is it possible that telling him exactly where you're going and for how long etc could feed the beast. If you've another adult there to keep tabs could you leave your phone at home and go out for a while telling him you're uncontactable for the duration? If nothing else it would be good for your own mental health to get that uninterrupted break.

Have you read the op’s posts? There is disagreement between professionals about whether he has asd.

How do you know which professional is correct?

I don’t know which one is, but I do know that this behaviour is very reminiscent of PDA autism.

I believe understanding this and having a diagnosis is absolutely essential. It changes everything. Agree entirely ref approach to PDA. Def not one size fits all.

He sounds exactly like an autistic boy I once knew...

Yes and according to op the professionals who are qualified to diagnose autism held an mta and concluded not. The only other mention is a camh psych who believed it was autism but said to refer back if it wasn't which suggests it was by no means a sure thing.

Also the point I was making is that throwing out diagnoses is hardly helpful to the op anyway! She's looking for how to cope with the symptoms - not for a name for the condition. That would be a professional's remit rather than mumsnet and she seems to already be well versed in exploring those avenues herself.

🤦‍♀️ if he is exhibiting signs of PDA influenced behaviour then she could try coping with the behaviour using methods that can work well for pda.

We don’t know which professional is correct, we don’t know them.

It doesn’t do any harm to try different approaches to helping the child- if the op was wedded to continuing to do everything the way she is now she wouldn’t have posted.

No one is providing suggestions of how to manage this though. Everyone is just piling on various diagnoses.
This happens a lot on mumsnet.com but it's very presumptuous to assume you know better than the professionals and also the op who has only mentioned autism to say it was explored and refuted as part of a professional assessment.
She must know the signs quite well as she has at least one other child who is autistic.

She has not asked for help in diagnosing her child from this forum. She wants suggestions to manage her situation. If people want to give suggestions for that based on a pda profile or whatever else they personally think is going on then they should. That's not what I'm seeing though. I'm just seeing people excited to be 'right' about her child's diagnosis and urging her to explore avenues for diagnosis which does not actually help her in the current moment at all.

I’m not trying to diagnose her child with anything- I don’t know the kid!

I’ve said that some of the behaviour is pda ish (it being a condition characterised by certain behaviours that some ND experts think might exist independently of autism or also be linked to other ND)…so maybe some of the things that help pda kids/families might help the op and her son.

If she doesn’t think so she doesn’t need to try!

She literally said “please post your thoughts and experiences”- my thought is “that sounds like my pda kid” and my experience is “the things that help pda are different from mainstream MH intervention” so I mentioned it.

💐

I feel for you.

I'd love to see a school that even knows what PDA is. I'm not sure about the guidance on anxiety but everything I read regarding PDA, and I've read loads for personal reasons, is that autonomy, control and a relationship with a parent that's more equitable as opposed to parent directing child is essential. It has made a huge difference in my personal relationship with my child who does have some minor PDA traits . It's a huge culture shift for any parent and a school when we're so used to directing everything without much explanation rather than collaborating as equals.

Bit of a tangent...😁

Bloody hell, OP is looking for support make your own thread to bicker about mumsnet diagnosis!!

onlyone I don't have any solutions for you but there is always hope. Please take some time to get your own oxygen mask on/find a way to allow you to recharge (I know it sounds impossible but it's not just for you it's for your kids). A very close friend deals with similar sounding anxiety in her child (& it is actually a manifestation of OCD in her case) so I understand just how utterly exhausted you must be 💐💐💐